"That Shit is Tight!"

If you're an adult, specifically a woman, and form sentences like a 13-year old using words like "tight","dope" or "hype", this is for you. I met a gal the other day and she kept saying stupid shit like, "Oh man, how dope was that show? I couldn't help but get hype!" and "You were there? Ohhh, that shit was tight!" I wish there was a record of my facial expression. It was as if someone squeezed a lemon wedge in my eye, jammed the seeds in the corners, then made me stare at the sun. I couldn't hide it. The funny thing was I don't think she got it, she was too busy making exaggerated hand gestures.

I think the "That shit is tight!" girl goes hand-in-hand with zany girls. We all know zany girls will die alone because they are too annoying for anyone to spend more than one night with them.



DEALBREAKER!

Mud Butt

That really has to be the most disgusting and accurate description of what's going on in Austin at the moment in regards to this heat. I was walking around today when I overheard some dude say, "My pants are so moist from this heat, this is the worst mud butt I've ever had." Moist? Mud butt? Intense gag reflex. You know what I envision Mud Butt to look like? Girls who wear too much make-up at high noon. You know the gals I am referring to, the broads who are melting before your eyes, beads of sweat pushing through their base face. Her red lipstick cracking, begging for a Coke Zero. Girls, stop with that shit. Your face is now equated with a dudes slimey, sweaty ass crack.

I have a proposal Austin, in these crucial summer months, I say men's restrooms come equipped with baby powder for the mud. Right, dudes? Who's looking out for you? 

Come on Austin, let's fight Mud Butt together!

Jesus, I really hate the sun.

What are YOU doing tonight?

The weekend is looking up! If you are in town tomorrow night, be sure you head over to the Red 7 as the Riverboat Gamblers are playing, along with Dead To Me, Off With Their Heads and the Flesh Lights. This is going to be one hell of a party, don't miss out! I call on all ladies (and dudes) to blow kisses from the crowd at two of our previous Hunk's:


Hunk Fadi and Hunk Ian (if you see them, please refer to them as such):

http://missaustintexas.blogspot.com/2011/05/hunk-of-week_30.html

http://missaustintexas.blogspot.com/2011/05/hunk-of-week_30.html



Yes!

Free Booze, Free Food, Good Cause

In honor of Austin Fashion Week, Google Places and Method Hair are throwing the East Side Cycle Soiree happening tomorrow night on E. 5th St. Green Goat Designs will be featuring some of their goods, along with music, booze and some all around bicycle fun. Most importantly, it's all for a good cause as the soiree is benefiting The Austin Cycling Association. There will be free food provided by Freebirds, and free booze provided by Graham's Texas Tea Vodka & Treaty Oak Rum. I'll be there, you should be there too. Come out to say hello when the sun sets so your armpit stains don't turn off the models.

8:30 pm - 11:00 pm at 1601 E. 5th Street

For information on The Austin Cycling Association, check here:  http://www.austincycling.org/

P.S. I'm on the hunt for Babes n Hunks so bring the noise. I'm not fucking around.

Austin Fashion Week - Back to School Edition

In honor of Austin Fashion Week, I've decided to review the back to school fashions of the 2011-2012 school year. For the most part, kid's look like pricks. Mom's, why are you dressing your children like assholes? Way to set your kid up for failure and a predisposed image that they are now going to have to fight for year's to come. If Junior wants to wear Dad's bolo tie with his He-Man t-shirt, let him goddammit. Don't stunt the creativity. Can you imagine the damage you are doing to his mind by pushing him out the door in Teva's to fend for himself? Fuck you and your parenting skills. You are doing massive damage.




DON'T. Congratulations, Mom, you got your wish. Your kid will never get his dick wet and he is forever going to live in your guest room. You did this.

 DON'T. Someone's Mom just opened a new shop on Etsy.com. Can't you just see her doomed future? Minimum three abortions. Overzealous bows are the worst. And, the chunky shoes? Five alarmer, I'm tearing up.

DO.  Casual. Comfortable. Functional. Thank you Mom and Dad for letting her look like she's going to have fun in school and actually read her books.

DON'T. Fucking gringo's. Thanks for doing anything to save a buck, Mom.  The two for one you'll-eventually-grow-in-to-those-shoes sale during tax free weekend could've been ignored. Poor Sally on the left is going to be tripping over herself in the lunch line. Come middle school, there will be no panties on under that denim skirt.

DO. I like this little runt. Her princess lunch pail is filled with snacks and she isn't sharing. Cute and comfortable from head to toe.

DON'T. When I was younger, my aunt took me back to school shopping and asked me if I wanted a "New Kids on the Street" t-shirt for school. I said I didn't because I didn't want to look like an idiot, so she bought me my first pair of checkered Vans instead, and jean shorts I later ripped to shreds. See, I've always been Miss Austin.**

DON'T.  Too much microwaveablele mac n cheese, not enough vegetables. This mom needs to be slapped in the pale face for repeating the pattern.  It already blows having to live in Round Rock, way to fuck with their heads even more with these lazy outfits. They won't even get felt up in the band hall with this shit. This pisses me off.

Go get 'em, kids!



**True story.

Make it Percolate

I love ballsy dudes. I love ballsy dudes who don't give a fuck. This has to be one of the best, and most ambiguous, pick-up lines I've ever heard. I was in line at Jo's on S. Congress when I heard this tall dude behind me whisper, with authority, "Make it percolate." Excuse me? I turned around, looked up and instantly got the giggles. I said to him, "Make what percolate?" Since I was in line at a coffee shop, I thought maybe he was asking me in a roundabout way to filter his coffee with my panties. He looked down at me and said, "Make me percolate." Wait...what?! I am so confused at this point. I have no idea if this guy is hitting on me, asking me where to get a good coffee pot, or asking me to dance. Whatever he meant, he did make me laugh and was very sweet, he also bought me my coffee. I didn't give him my information but I did tell him about Miss Austin, I hope he reads this. Keep using that shit, Percolator, you're on the right path. Some bitch will get what you're saying, I just don't think it was me.

Wait, is this what he meant? Did I just make it percolate? Shit is weird.

Quit Ruining our Swimmin' Holes, Hippie.

I am calling for some action here, my letter to City Hall is in the works.

I was at Barton Springs this past weekend, swimming, having a great time, when this pack of dreadlocked hippies (when I say pack, there were probably three, it just looked like a pack) swam by me. As they passed, I noticed a thick film on the surface of the water glistening in the sun after them. Live, flesh-eating organisms were just created and are now multiplying in the springs all around us. Do you know how much resin, old bong water, Whataburger crumbs, cigarette butts and pulgas have been trapped in that mess and are now creeping their way underneath my swimsuit?

I immediately got out of the water and hollered something at them with my fist in the air like a crazy abuelita, "Hey hippie's, why don't you all take a shit and we can swim around in it? Way to ruin our water!" I ask you, why the hell am I perpetually walking around with a doggie poop bag in my hand, cleaning up after my dog as to keep our city clean, but these degenerates are fucking up our summer swimming fun?

I'm pissed. Who's with me?!

DEALBREAKER - South Austin Edition

Ladies, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.


What in the summer fucking shoes are these? At first, I thought she just got some fancy pedicure and these were the flops the little ladies gave her to wear out of the salon. No, this bitch was cruisin' down S. Congress with a big ass snow cone and blue lips. If this bitch is getting laid, there's hope for every one out there.



Dealbreaker!

HUNK OF THE WEEK

Name:  Ian MacDougall     

Occupation: Talent feigner

Single:    Nope

Age: 25

What is your dealbreaker? 
Girls with too much shit on their face. The current trend of dressing like an old librarian from the 70's. Ironic facial hair. Douche flair. Neck tattoos before 20. No socks. Flip flops on men in public. 

What is your dealmaker?
Brutal honesty. Quantum leap. Humbleness.

What do you love most about Austin?
You can be dangerously irresponsible and most of the time get away with it.

 

Where do you like to hangout? (so Miss Austin fans can stalk you)
Yellow Jacket, Shangri-La, Bouldin Creek Cafe.

I love old music videos, it’s a shame they aren’t what they used to be. Which old music video would you say speaks to you the most and why?
I really love Till Tuesdays 'Voices Carry' video. Mini soap opera. That guy she was with in it is a total fucking asshole. My favorite is the end when she rips off her hat and makes that dude look like a total dick. Fuck that guy.

Who do you feel most akin to: Bruce Springstein? Lyle Lovett? Freddy Fender? Charo? John Wayne?  Someone else? Why?

I really wish I was akin to Kurt Russell in Big Trouble in Little China…but I guess I'm more akin to Robert Downey Jr. in Less Than Zero.

Anything else we should know about you? 

I love the butt, jumped out of an airplane, and almost died a couple times.

Ian plays in the Riverboat Gamblers, one of the loudest and most entertaining bands in Austin. Love them, love the shows, love the dudes. Check out tour dates here:  http://www.theriverboatgamblers.com/.

BABE OF THE WEEK

Name:  Victoria Ebli     

Occupation:  About that….

Single:    Nope!

Age:  22

What is your dealbreaker?

Ignorance, bad grammar and bullies. I really hate when people are mean to someone else to make themselves feel better. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll make a snide comment here and there, however, I would never go out of my way to hurt someone’s feelings or belittle them in any way. I won't be around people like that either. Oh, and people who hate cats. You don’t have to love them, but if you can’t tolerate them, I can’t tolerate you.

What is your dealmaker?

I’m not giving up Ian’s secrets! Although, I love a man who can cook.  A huge thing for me is someone who works hard - works hard for something they care about, works hard to achieve their goals. Passion is sexy.

What do you love most about Austin?

The food! The people are pretty all right too, I guess.

Where do you like to hangout? (so Miss Austin fans can stalk you)

I’m at YJSC often, Shangri-La and Liberty. Most of the time though, in my apartment watching Netflix or at the gym.

I love old music videos, it’s a shame they aren’t what they used to be. Which old music video would you say speaks to you the most and why?

Oh man, when I was little I found out that the musicians weren’t really performing the songs in the video like I thought they were. That realization ruined music videos for me forever. However, I love ‘I Want to Break Free’ it makes me think of my best friend. 

Who do you feel most akin to: Bruce Springstein? Lyle Lovett? Freddy Fender? Charo? John Wayne?  Someone else? Why?

Anybody on this list: http://www.tallwomen.org/famous/

Anything else we should know about you? 

I still sleep with the teddy bear I’ve had since I was two weeks old. I have his name (Danny Bear) tattooed on me too.  Lastly, I’m horrible at remembering/recognizing people. It’s nothing personal; chances are I’m just thinking about what I’m going to eat next.

Our Hunk and Babe this week are lovers and they're adorable.

INKED

I'm sick of tattoos having meaning. I'm even more sick of you trying to spin how meaningful your latest tattoo is. So you were down and out before you went to the Alamo Drafthouse and saw The Green Lantern? Now you have Ryan Reynolds as The Green Lantern tattooed on your forearm because he gave you the strength and will during that trying time in your life when you had no job and couldn't pay your rent. Spending your last $10 at the movies enabled you to see the "Now Hiring" sign at the concession stand, now you're Regional Manager. Great, I got it.

I think if you are going to permanently scar your body, why be so serious? Shit needs to be ridiculous, makes sense to me. I have seen some noteworthy tattoos in my life. I've also seen some that make my eyes roll so far back in my head, I've lost at least a few dozen contacts. Luckily, I have been able to document a few I've seen, others are just happy memories.


YES:

"Reeding is for Faggots." Jesus, I love Florida. I have never been there, but I imagine it to be this utopia of white skin, eczema, poor hygiene, and home to some of the most amazing tattoos on the planet. Is there a tattoo convention in Clearwater, FL? Does anyone know? I need to go there.

One of the worst/best portraits out there. Charles Bukowski is one ugly motherfucker and this dude has his mug on his chest for life. I think he should've went all the way and somehow put a few dirty vaginas on a bar stool around him with the Hollywood sign in the distance. There's always additions to be made, I suppose.

See! Florida is the best place on earth. Realistic dick portraits turn me on, especially the winged, STD rocket shooting kind. You can totally tell what this guy's face looks like, right? I can too.


Some other notables are:

Vaginal Speculum.
This dude has this on his inner bicep. Fucking amazing.

Flying Limousine.
One of best chest pieces I've seen. A raw sketch of a flying 80's limo, genius.

Portraits of loved ones with colored contacts.
HAHA. Yes.

Bloody Canadian leaf being bludgeoned by half American flag, half Texas flag.
Bloody and amazing.

Any food tattoos.
I've seen a chicken fried steak platter on a dude's chest, it kind of made me hungry.

Incredibly offensive tattoos.
Abuelita in a wheelchair with "La Migra" in Old English on top.
Jigaboo tattoos. Holy shit, you can't leave the house with that. You have massive balls, it's hard for me to comment.

Maybe I'm alone here but I think ladies who get huge chest pieces should be spanked (in a bad way). There is a small percentage of women who can pull this off, very small. I'm not talking about the shoulders, I think that's sexy, this is chest specific. It's hard for me to get behind desecrating one of the most beautiful areas on a woman. Have you noticed that most chest pieces are some dumb, winged insect? "Well, the cracked wing represents the struggle I went through growing up in a single family home. The sewn up portion represents where I am now in my forgiveness, and the red and white pattern on the wings was the pattern of the shirt my father was wearing when he left my mom and I."

Bitch needs a flying limo on her chest and a sock in her mouth. These tattoos remind me of art students with too many art supplies and not enough good ideas.

Dita Von Lopez

I am infatuated with Dita Von Teese, she can do no wrong in my eyes. Her body is fucking amazing and she has perfected the art of the tease. You know what she's really good at? Everything. She even walks on her tippy toes like a fucking ballerina for optimum sex appeal. Jesus.

Well, I am putting my own spin on her Absinthe Dance. I have a little routine in the works called, "Tequila Me Hace Córneo." Obviously, it takes place in a big margarita glass. However, there are a few differences in wardrobe. I shredded one of my abuelita's traditional Mexican dresses to just a few dangling embroidered flowers. Under that I placed tortilla chips as pasties and mustered up scraps of corn tortillas I found on the floor at a Mexican restaurant as a thong. That shit is hot. After I peel off the dress, I eat the tortilla chips off my tits, then I slide in to the splits on to an oversized enchilada. After I rub that Tex Mex meat sauce all over my body, I jump in the rita glass. Just like her, I sit and spin to wash the dirty Mexican off me. Then I grab the jalapeno prop and hug it to squeeze the tequila all over me, burns my eyes a bit, but it's sexy nonetheless. After my final spin, I gulp the entire glass, like a lady, of course. Dita Von Lopez.

This little routine is on reserve for the next borracho who comes stumbling over to my place. He has no idea the good fortune he just stumbled upon.

¡Buena suerte!