"Vodka, Tequila, Whiskey, Penis and Cigarettes Make Me Youthful"

I might be on a fantasy train here, but I feel like booze and cigs have been taking years off my life, I feel better than ever. I was talking with some over-sized hormone at the gym the other day and he was blabbing how he lives a very clean life: veggies, whole grains, lots of water, and no alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, or "carelessness". For some reason, I just spewed, "I think vodka, tequila, whiskey, penis and cigarettes make me youthful." I'm not sure how penis made it in that statement, but I said it. He looked at me like I had just spit in his Creatine. It worked, Muscle isn't trying to talk to me when I'm on the treadmill anymore. I really think I am on to something. Who's with me?!

Babe of the Week!

Name:  Donna Barton
Occupation:  Visual Stylist/Slinger of vintage threads
Single?  I'm off the market
Age:  Thirty fun! (But not much longer)

What is your deal breaker?
Republicans, flip-flops, anyone who looks grossed out after a dog licks/kisses them, verbal abuse, meekness, Rush.

What is your deal maker?
Massages, motorcycles, old west mustaches (sorry I don't think they are always ironic), southern hospitality, handy men, animal lovers, blue eyes, ZZ Top, a man who buys me wine, and most importantly, a man who always does the dishes (I hate dishes!).

What do you love most about Austin?
Cedar Fever! (Just kidding, but it is hitting me pretty hard today). All of my great friends, margaritas and patios, queso, and how dog friendly this town is.

Where do you like to hangout? (So Miss Austin fans can stalk you)
Thrift stores for therapy, my back porch drinking wine and watching my dogs wrestle, Yellow Jacket Social Club, Long Branch Inn, Polvo's and Musashino as much as possible

I love old music videos, it's a shame they aren't what they used to be. Which music video would you say speaks to you the most, and why?
Well we didn't have cable at my house till the late 80's so I had to watch MTV at friend’s houses. The first videos I really remember affecting me were the ZZ Top videos with the ZZ Top girls: "Legs" and "Sharp Dressed Man". I thought the ZZ Top girls were so cool and I wanted them to come make me over. A few years later when I was a little older and more rebellious, I remember recording and playing The Beastie Boys (You Gotta) Fight for Your Right (To Party) over and over. I was in love with Ad Rock. I even made my own video version of the song with some friends at Six Flags, he he.

Who do you feel most akin: Bruce Springstein? Lyle Lovett? Dolly Parton? Freddy Fender? Charo? John Wayne? Someone else? Why?
For sure Dolly Parton. We are both southern girls who like to talk a lot and have a have country accents. I wish I had her rack and her ability to come up with the wittiest one liners. Also Jolene is my favorite song EVER, probably because she has flaming locks of auburn hair. Oh and Steel Magnolia is one of my favorite movies, I know all the words.

Anything we should know about you?
No deep dark secrets or hidden children. I love to watch History Channel documentaries. I am in a super tough street gang called The Summit Street Home Girls, and I can't achieve a tan no matter how hard I try.

I love, love, love this sassy fun lady! We need more of her everywhere.

Hunk of the Week!

DEAL BREAKER - Yogi Edition

You know how dudes always say there are some things they just don't want to think about ladies doing... having a period, taking a shit, etc? Hey dudes, I've got something for you. If you enjoy a nice yoga class to reflect on your days events and get a healthy workout, you need to keep that shit in a dark, secret place. A place that doesn't involve me or my naked tits. You better be going to a studio way across town where there isn't a the slightest chance you will be spotted. Better yet, drive your ass to San Antonio. I don't have anything against yoga, I love it, I have a problem with the image above burned on my brain when I'm just trying to get a Tom Selleck, naked hot man chest on me. And you know what else? Quit with those flimsy wind shorts already.




DEAL BREAKER!

Party and Decks

I like this dude. Local artist/designer/illustrator Josh Row has a new show, The Daily Deck, happening for one night only on Friday, January 20th from 7 - 10 pm at the Common House. Row spent the last 365 days creating 365 decks, and they will all be on display. Dang! I'm impressed with his dedication and discipline to keep the creativity going every day. Good stamina, my friend. I'll be at the show. Come out, say hi, drink beer. 

Josh Row:

http://joshrow.com/

Common House:

http://common-house.com/

Jose Comes Through With Mid-Week Inspiration

My dad, Jose, greatest & funniest man alive, just sent me the sweetest email with a little quote at the end to keep me going. He said,

"He that cares the most, wins."

He didn't even end that sentence with a "chingao", strange. He's been known to have some great pep-talks and motivational speeches in the past. Some notable quotes have been:

"Quit spinning your wheels, chingao."
"Use your big head to make smart decisions, chingao."
"Your skirt's too short, chingao."
 "Work hard, but don't lose your pretty, chingao."

And, one of my all time favorites:
"He's a loser, chingao."

I just called him to say hello and thank you for the nice email and he said, "Jour welcome, Mija, I read that online. It was from that.... uh..... big lady.... uh...was' her name? Oh, jes, chingao.... Roseanne."

My dad sent me a quote from Roseanne Barr for motivation! HA. I could die a happy lady now. Thanks, Dad. Love you, chingao.

Thrash Unreal For Real

I thought my Tuesday was in the toilet until I heard this song this afternoon. I declare this to be Tuesday's song. Done. It's official.

Teagan and She

Please, Mr. 2012, let this pass. I have a wish to be granted for the new year. Ladies, please stop this. I love a great outfit, kooky and all, but stop trying too hard to make yourself more unattractive. Accept the fact that you have your mom's body and that's life. You can't just jazz up that frame with gold accessories and expect to take a dude home on Friday night. Nope, not happening, think of something else. Best you can hope for is an accidental touch when Teagan is putting on her night gown.This is especially an epidemic with broads dressing like librarians. I love reading, I love a good book, but you're really pissing me off by trying to pit the world against books with your sad look. Stop trying so hard, already. And you know what else? If you eat at Chuy's four times a week, you can not wear high waisted bottoms because your atrocious FUPA makes me want to vomit.

Thoughtful Neighbor or Asshole? You Decide.

In light of the terrible acts on New Year's Day to some of our own, I have been a bit paranoid, like many of you. I often walk at night alone without thinking twice: to my car, to a friends, to get coffee, all over. Well, that has changed. I don't trust a fucking soul, and that's a terrible feeling.

Thankfully, I have a pit bull who is an angel to most, but when she gets spooked she loses her shit. Last night, I'm sleeping, and I get jilted. Someone is knocking on my door at 3:00 am. I almost shit myself.  Lola loses her mind barking and clawing at the door. Possibly the loudest, most terrifying noise to be dead asleep, then to be awaken by a pissed as fuck dog wanting to protect Mamacita. I'm frozen, scared out of my mind. First thought was I wanted to call my mom! I didn't. Then, I thought to call the cops. I didn't. I couldn't even move to get up to see who it was. Terrified. Finally, Lola stopped barking. After about 30 minutes of hiding, I got up to look out the windows. I didn't see anything, and couldn't sleep all night.

This morning I wake up to a note on my front door from my neighbor:
"You left your back car window down. I knocked on your door last night to tell you. Hope you didn't lose any valuables."

Fucking stoners. I hate you. 3:00 am?!

I say, asshole.

Monster.

Please keep a look out for this motherfucker who is responsible for attacks on 3 women in Austin, including one murder. Ladies, grab a dude to walk you to your car, be mindful, watch out for one another, and please keep your eyes open. This fucker will not get away with it.

For more details, check here:
http://www.utexas.edu/police/alerts/january1_attacks.html