February 27, 2012

I Have a New Love Affair



I have a new man in my life. He's big, hairy, and is a MAJOR contender for Hunk of the Year. His name is Tranmission Events and I might be in love. I will be teaming up Transmission on some upcoming shows and events to bring the funnies. Tomorrow night I will be at the Mohawk scouting for Hunks and Babes, and a new project I have in the works (to be disclosed soon). Come check out Kay Leotard, Lola Cola, and A Giant Dog, and bring your photo face, your other face won't make the cut. 

To solidify the nasty coitus between TE and I, is the make-out of all make-out's: SXSW! I will be teaming up with my main man for a day party at The Liberty Wed., March 14th, more details and invites to follow soon. I beg you, please start drinking water now, it might get dirty.

STAY TUNED....

February 24, 2012

Art Weekend Austin



Someone is slicking her hair back and chugging the bubbly this weekend. I have some great friends who are so sweet to this hot tamale. One of my ladies hooked me up with tickets to this event this weekend. Art Night Austin benefits Art Alliance Austin, a great non-profit organization that supports, promotes and funds our local visual artists. This type of organization makes me want to hug Austin and be grateful I live in a city that understands how important the arts really are to a community. Come booze with me and talk art, I can yap for hours on this shit.

Art Alliance Austin:
http://www.artallianceaustin.org/art_night_austin.html




Tonight, head over to the Common House (906 E 49th St, Austin, TX 78751) for a smashing show, Band of Loners from 6-9. The Art Alliance benefit is going to be rad, no doubt about that, but you know what is fun about the Common House? You can jam a $6 bottle of wine in your purse and have a great cheap date with some great people, and talk art. Or, you can talk nonsense, that's fun too. You can also support the local CH artists and buy some quality shit right there. You know that M.C. Escher print looks lame in your living room, anyway. Support. Drink. Chat. Let's do it.

  
 

February 23, 2012

Wieners, Mice and Rifles



Thursday! She's such a tease. Head over to Frank tonight for some dogs and jams. I love Mice and Rifles, we drink beer a lot. You could say we are a team of sorts. Team Tecate. That's right, jam a dog in your mouth and blow kisses at the singer, he'll love it, but keep your top on, he's married. Or don't, whatever. I know her too, she'll probably clink coconuts with you while shotgunning a Tecate. She feisty.

Thursday!

February 21, 2012

Duchiko Dreams




"Happy Birthday, Mom! I want to take you out to one of my favorite places to celebrate."
"Aye, Mija, that's sweet, I'd love to. That Duchiko place?"
"Yes, Duchiko."

Plans are set. I'm drooling. Reservation is made. Guess who steps in and thwarts my thoughtful dinner plans? He's baaaack..... Uncle Tio. For those of you who don't remember, or who don't know my Uncle Uncle, please allow me the honor of introducing my alcohol induced narcoleptic, Uncle Tio himself:




Much to my chagrin, my father, being the sweet man he is, extends the invitation to Uncle Uncle, who then invites his girlfriend (Pura Basura, as my father lovingly calls her), and 5 other family members (fucking Mexicans, just say it). I am not taking Pura Basura and Uncle Uncle to Duchiko, no way. Mortifying. So I suggest other options. Silence.

Uncle Tio, "What about Los Lobster Fest?"
Oh, dear God. I know where this is going. 
My father, "Lobster sounds good, chingao."
No. 




Thirty minutes later I am at the Red Lobster in San Marcos. I had to drive to meet them halfway as they all live in San Antonio. 
"Happy Birthday, Mom." I say in the most down-and-out, sad, someone ran over my dog tone possible. 

Ok, yes those cheese biscuits are fucking amazing. That is until you look over at the table next to you and you see a real life version of "My 600 lb. Life". That shit will make you crush up laxatives in your iced tea on the spot (not that I did that). My father orders.
"A iced tea, por favor, con lemon."
The waitress, bless her, goes to get our drinks. 
She puts down his tea and a side of limes. 
"Oh, no no, lemon por favor."
As his accent is thick, she thinks he is saying limon, which she translates to lime. I get it, that's correct. 
She nods and brings back more limes. 
"Pues, she no hear, chingao?"
I kind of let this go on too long perhaps because that shit is funny. I step in to save that poor waitress. 

We eat. Uncle Uncle has a LobsterRita, then passes out with his little lobster fork in hand. Pura Basura finishes his meal. Mom has a birthday dessert that will give you diabetes instantly with a birthday candle in it. We pay and leave. 

You know, overall Lobster Fest isn't really a fest. It should be referred to as Drawn Butter Fest actually, shit is rich. I missed out on Duchiko last week, bet your sweet ass I'll be there this weekend. I have Duchiko dreams. 

  


February 20, 2012

Who Needs Computers?

I do.

Funny thing about computers is that they go to heaven. My computer went to motherfucking hell, or that's where I want her to go. My hard drive crashed. I cried. I slammed a dog bone on the keyboard (sorry, Lola). I got shitfaced drunk off Espolon. Now, I'm back. I thought I owed you all an explanation for my absence this week. I'm sorry. I love you. Don't hit me.

Is SXSW here yet?

February 13, 2012

Goodbye Blue Monday



I think I have a solution for your Monday blues. My friend just told me he has been masturbating to two things incessantly for the past few weeks: the asshole drawing above from Vonnegut's Breakfast of Champions (ha), and the word, cunt, in Bukowski's Women (HA). Dude loves his books. I love him for telling me this like it's a real problem. He wanted a shoulder to cry on or some shit, I'm not sure. I almost pissed myself laughing. (For the record, I asked his permission to write this beforehand. I know you all were just thinking I was a jerk for spilling his secret).  

I love the power of a dude's imagination when he's alone wanting to get dirty with his thoughts. This is creativity at it's best, and I completely respect it. The best is he is combining two of his passions. I might start masturbating to the smell of puppies and tamale husks.

Goodbye, Blue Monday!

February 7, 2012

Mexican On A Juice Fast - Day 1

"Que es esto?"

What the hell was I thinking? I was talking to a friend of mine and she somehow convinced me I should do a juice cleanse. Yes, I drink copious amounts of alcohol. Yes, I gnaw on animals and their innards. Yes, I occasionally smoke a cig. Sue me! I guess I had a case of the guilts because I agreed to do it. She got in a bit. I phoned my father to get some clarity and words of wisdom on the subject.

"Que es esto, chingao?"
"It's a raw fruit/veggie juice cleanse."
"What do jou have for dinner, chingao?"
"Juice."
"Que es esto?"
"Veggies/fruit juice, Dad."
"..."

Then I went on to explain to him how I wanted to shock my system and reboot my body. He came back with a doozy.
"Jou're gonna shock a culture."

Good one.

Well, I feel like I had to get more team members on this idea of mine. I somehow convinced two of my other pals to try it. They're totally into it. I started yesterday. I finished today. I lasted ONE day. HA. I had to tell my friends I jumped ship, my system was too shocked, I was hallucinating. I had to quit. Besides, they're both white, they can do it. They'll both make it until Spring, no problem. Fucking Gringos.

I have an idea for a cleanse/reboot. I need a big styrofoam cup filled with Big Red (totally Mexican) and Sizzurp. I'd get on that train. Who's with me?

Mexican on a juice fast - Day 2. Done.

February 3, 2012

End of an Exclamation Era


I'm about to stab someone. I used to be a fan of the exclamation point, I used to use her liberally. My key stroke to Shift-1 used to come so naturally. We had a nice romance, she and I. Some statements need an exclamation point. "Thank Jebus it's Friday!" or "Aye, Chingao, my birth control is expensive!" See? Appropriate.

You know who's killing the exclamation point? Those fanatic, Wednesday/Saturday church goin' Christians. That's right, they're making my head want to explode with their punctuation. I'm not talking about those Sunday goin' Christians who are period using grammarists. No, I like them, they don't bother me. I'm referring to the people who are judging every fucking thing everyone does with their !!!!. I had to take a breather from Facebook today with all the exclamation points being tossed around because of the Planned Parenthood topic. Some of those people are gonna need to get out a white Crayola Crayon to replace the 1 that was rubbed off today. Cool it, people. Show that period, question mark, and semi-colon some love. Stop hatin'.

I'm retiring the exclamation point for now, I can't stand her. I'll bring her back come SXSW because I have some RAD shit in the works. (It pains me to have to use a period after that sentence).

Happy Friday. (Again, painful).