LA, NYC, or Austin?

The answer is Austin, always.

I have spent a fair amount of time in each city, wondering around, eating shit, talking shit, and shootin' the shit. All of this shit pretty much makes me an expert. Yep, I know the in's and out's. This is my take on why Austin is so rad, LA will leave you with bumps, and New York wanting you to sedate yourself.

Los Angeles
Pros                          
Beaches, palm trees, weather. Obviously.

Cons
Actors, traffic, actors, SoCal style, herpes, the general population, actors.

Oh hey, look at those pretty palm trees! Yes, LA has the beaches and not all of the views of pretty palm trees are flanked with billboards of the next ABC series starring Mayim Bialik or some shit, but this is what most of LA looks like, and it's filthy.  I do enjoy the weather, ah yes the weather. It's perpetually 75 degrees, which is nice, but man you have to pay for that piper. If I lived in LA, I would be celibate. Isn't the ratio of women with herpes 1 in 5, generally? So, I would guess 5 out of 5 people in LA have the bumps. Yep, there is a 100% chance you will have to swallow Valtrex on the daily. This is just what I've heard.

The biggest con is everyone is a goddamn actor. The problem I have with actors is they're all liars. Everyone is trying to out lie the other. I've seen and heard some ruthless and crazy shit. A common statement in LA is, "Wow, she is just a genuine person." Wow! Shocking! There are genuine people in Los Angeles? I think not. That person is lying. LA is a pretty palm tree covered in smog, drag queen tits, and methamphetamine lipstick.


New York City
Pros
Food, culture, shopping, Brooklyn, the Subway, the Crazies.

Cons
Cost of living, New Jersey, the Subway, Cancer, Exhaustion, the Crazies.

I can't bash too hard on NYC, I had a great love affair with her, but man, she can chew people up and spit them out without thinking twice. This didn't happen to me, I conquered that bitch. By conquered, I mean I was able to find a job, support myself, and get drunk. What does NYC have that no one can touch? All the culture, of course. Food you never knew existed, languages you have never heard, and art at every corner. So many creatives in NYC. For those qualities, I tip my abuelita visor.

What is it about NYC that will knock you on your ass? Well, there is the fact that a 6 pack of beer in Manhattan can cost almost $20, rent for the square footage is laughable, and every thing is so fucking exhausting. Just walking behind a flock of people every where you go is exhausting. Forget personal space. You find yourself just searching for a quiet tree, just one quiet tree to sit under. Also, I am convinced the filthy streets of NYC will give you cancer. There is so much vomit, piss, puss, feces floating around everywhere, it's hard to escape. Somehow it just gets washed away with a hose that ends up in the water system. Shit, I've filled up my reusable cup hundreds of times with cancer water. Dammit!

P.S. I love Brooklyn.


Austin
Pros
Abundance of patios, Greenbelt, swimmin' holes, art, small businesses, music, close proximity to the Hill Country, alcohol involved with every activity, Town Lake, cost of living, the people. Ok, let's just say everything.

Cons
North Austin.

Ah, my beloved Austin with her sweet, sweet tits. I think we are all in agreement how pretty and sexy she is, right? Austin is the diamond in Texas amidst the cubic zirconias. What makes Austin what it is, you ask? Above all the patios filled with good times and clinking glasses, SXSW, and night swimmin', has to be the people. Yes, all of you. Sure, there are some bad apples here and there, but don't you feel like Austin is a little utopia? I do. I feel like you all have my back, as I have yours. Let's keep it that way, huh?

Besos to all of you.

Hunk of the Week!

Name: Rob Marchant
Occupation: Bass player in Riverboat Gamblers
Single: Yes
Age: 35

Babe of the Week!



Name:  Karinne  Lee Thornblom

Occupation: Assistant Brewer/Cellarer @ Black Star Co-op; Bartender @ Yellow Jacket Social Club
Single:  Yes  
Age: 31

What is your deal breaker?A little, tiny Mousekowitz voice.... or an overcompensatorannosaurus rex...unless they have both, for I’d genuinely find them entertaining.

What is your deal maker?

Someone on par with my sense of humor, which may not be saying much.

What do you love most about Austin?The people. I’ve never lived anywhere where I’ve felt such a sense of family- batshit crazy, incestuous as we might be...oh and that my momma lives here too.

Where do you like to hangout? (so Miss Austin fans can stalk you)

You can stalk me at Black Star and Yellow Jacket of course, the usual palatable bars, Common House art shows, local breweries, my couch.

I love old music videos, it's a shame they aren't what they used to be. Which old music video would you say speaks to you the most and why?Hmm- well, I dunno if this one speaks to me the most, but it’s always left an impression: Depeche Mode’s, “Enjoy the Silence.” I had just seen that video before moving back to Madrid and while on the plane listened to that album  (on my shitty walkman of course) non-stop. I suppose I loved the video because it was so incredibly absurd and beautiful at the same time...read in to it.

What was the first record/tape/CD/ you purchased with your own money?Simpson’s Sing the Blues! I once could master Bart’s voice and would exhaust my vocal chords while singing along...somehow it was worth it.

Who do you feel most akin to - Bruce Springstein? Groucho Marx? Juice Newton? Freddy Fender? Charo? John Wayne? Someone else?

Punky Brewster? Everyone told me I looked like her when I was little and...then I totally ran with it and tied a bandana around my knee. I also later got in to Punk. Then later became a Brewster. HEEEEY-OOO!

Anything else we should know about you? Fetishes? Arrest record? bastard children?

I can whistle through my tongue. I went to a Spanish Catholic pre-school in Madrid, run by German nuns...so I spoke Spanish with a German accent the first few years there. I played/coached lacrosse. I have insanely, OCD, neat handwriting. I’m much shorter than people realize. Oh, and I have the most incredible circle of friends.  

TLJIFFBINAGD

Thank Lady Jebus It's Fucking Friday Because I Need a Goddamn Drink.

What are you doing this weekend? There are some fun happenings happening around town this weekend. The rain is gone, and the weather forecast looks great! If you are looking to get out of the house, hit up these events:

Pancakes and Booze - say no more! Tonight at the Elysium (705 Red River) the touring underground art show comes in to town for one night only. There will be works by 75 artists, live body painting, musical performances, and an all-you-can-eat free pancake bar! $5 to get in, starts at 8:00 pm. You can see other shows here: http://pancakesandbooze.com/.

Saturday head over to the good ol Common House (906 E. 49th St.) for new works by artist, Adam Young. This is the perfect place to scope out new art, drink beer with old and new friends, get creepy with the ladies, and most importantly, buy art! Get there.

Fun day activity! The Austin Museum of Art at Laguna Gloria is holding an event called Art on the Green. Local artists and architects have created 10 interactive mini golf holes. I say pack a sack lunch, a flask of the good stuff, and take your partner for a lil showdown. Hours are 10 - 4, Fri - Sun. This runs through May 20.

Puro Party! If you feel like getting your charanga on, head on down to the Pachanga Festival at Fiesta Gardens on Saturday and Sunday. There will be some loud ass fucking Mexicans having the time of their lives down there, which sounds like exactly who I want to party with. No matter how shitty the bands might be, or how hot it is, those fuckers are having a blast with their Bud Lights, and I say God bless 'em. Are the organizers allowing sofas and Lazy Boy's to be brought in? You know that shit is a real question.
Puro Party!

Ok, so this isn't an event necessarily, but it can be. One of my favorite places, Phara's (111 E. North Loop) has the most amazing outdoor patio. It's the perfect place to take a date, or go with a group of friend's. From the outside, you have know idea this oasis exists, it's such a pleasant surprise when you walk out back. Phara's has hookahs, belly dancers, good food, and best of all, is BYOB! I love that. The overall vibe is so relaxed. Best of all, there is a convenience store right across the street so if you run out of booze, you can run over to get more. Now, that's convenience.

Having a Shit Day? I Have The Antidote.

Blame it on the rain*, blame it on my shit sleep I had last night, or blame it on not being able to properly disguise my tequila in my coffee mug. Whatever it is, Tuesday was in the toilet until I watched this video. Doctor's should prescribe this instead of Tamiflu or Hydrocodone, or chop up mini Steve Perry's to put in IV drips because this turned my day right around. There's something about the seductive mouth of Steve Perry that makes me want to shake my titties in his silly face. Fuck, I really love music videos.

*Fun fact about me - Milli Vanilli was my first concert I ever saw, with Young MC. We go real hard in my hometown of San Antonio, real hard.

Hunk of the Week!

Name: Paul Waclawsky
Occupation: Musician in need of a day job
Single? No
Age: Old enough to know better


Babe of the Week!

Name:  Melissa Cox
Occupation:  Party Relations / Public Relations / Puppy Relations. I work for a creative PR agency in Austin and then do my own thing on the side, Music Box Media – PR for musicians, artists and other creatives.
Single? As long as I publicly profess my love for Justin Bieber’s newest single “Boyfriend,” I’m pretty sure I’ll be single for a long while.
Age: 23


What is your deal breaker?
Allergic to or dislikes dogs… (Yes there are people who don’t like dogs. No, I don’t associate with them).

What is your deal maker?
Must Love Dogs. Ambitious – I don’t care what you’re looking to do or who you’re looking to be as long as you’re looking to be or do something. Similar interests as me, but enough of a difference to where we can both expose each other to new things and ideas. Someone who makes me laugh, and doesn’t mind my intense crushes on all of the characters of Friday Night Lights. Taylor Kitsch, call me, k?

What do you love most about Austin?
It would definitely be Austin’s sense of community. People truly want to see you succeed and they have your back. I think in many ways, you have to earn that respect, but the city has the greatest creative and collaborative culture. The Tex Mex is great, the margaritas are ready and you can always find a local band (or twelve) to fall in love with.

Where do you like to hangout? (so Miss Austin fans can stalk you)
My bed, with Netflix (Friday Night Lights) and a bottle of wine… But you can also find me downtown catching live music or sipping a Bloody Mary on the East Side (usually Rio Rita’s). I’m hoping to spend a lot more time at Barton Springs now that the weather is warming up.

I love old music videos, it’s a shame they aren’t what they used to be. Which old music video would you say speaks to you the most and why?
“Thinking of You (I Drive Myself Crazy)” by *NSYNC. It’s creepy as hell. Like, what were they thinking? Where was their publicist?

What was the first record/tape/cd you purchased with your own money?
Tragic Kingdom – No Doubt. And I still want to be Gwen Stefani when I grow up.

Who do you feel most akin to? Bruce Stringsteen? Groucho Marx? Juice Newton? Freddy Fender? Charo? John Wayne? Someone else?
John Wayne. Growing up on a ranch in Texas has definitely helped me become accustomed to a Western lifestyle. I’ve killed a copperhead with a tree trimmer; I ride horses and own (and can shoot) a .22.
Note: Yesterday my dad killed a snake with grilling tongs. A month ago, he killed one with a bow and arrow. I learned it all from him. #IndianaJohn

Anything else we should know about you? Fetishes? Arrest record? Bastard children?
I have a pretty clean slate. Though, I will warn you, my dream is to have an orphaned dog farm, so, someday I'll probably have lots of bastard children. (But of course I will never call them that). I often log my misadventures and family conversations on my blog and you can always catch me tweeting at @mellypeacox.

Conversation Overheard

" I am so bored with myself, I need a man. I'm so bored with masturbating, it's terrible. There are no surprises, I know what's coming next. I know all my tricks and they suck. That's it, I'm divorcing my own vagina. I've given up on appearances too. My vagina is so hairy, my jeans look puffy on my crotch. Yes, puffy. Look. And, you know what? I don't give a fuck."

Her friend, "Girl, I know one dude who loves pubic hair, it's his thing."
"Is he single?"
"No."
Puffy looks down at her jeans.

The best place for Conversation Overheard is at coffee shops, it's like an open confessional with scones instead of sacramental bread. This one was a gem at Summermoon Coffee on South First St. Take off those ear phones people and have a listen.