Temperature: 106 Degrees

Oh shit, it's happening! People are abandoning their clothes in public! It's so hot, everyone is losing their damn minds. When I was leaving the supermarket today, the guy in front of me starting walking like Frankenstein. He let out a long, deep grunt, tossed his cigarette, dropped his receipt, and jammed a Snickers in his mouth. Then, he started taking off his clothes with his melted choco hands. Messy, wet choco hands all over the place. It looked like skid marks all over the back of his T-shirt from the shuffle. He was so delirious from the heat he jumped in his car looking like a zombie Donald Duck - shirt only. He left his nasty ass sneakers and white tube socks behind to rot in the HEB parking lot. This is the result.

You know, after seeing zombie Donald without his pants I would've tossed him my number, but he's one of those assholes who doesn't return shopping carts. Dick! No digits for Donald Duck. Lesson learned, people - actually there are quite a few lessons learned here. Mainly, guys who eat Snickers candy bars have big dicks.

Bring on 107 degrees!

Babe of the Week!

Who is that hot, sassy lil' thing with Austin culinary king, Paul Qui? We were wondering the same thing. Meet Deana Saukam, our first official Summer Babe. She is kind of living the dream right now with all the traveling and devouring great food from all over the world. We are officially jealous. Bring us home a doggie bag, Deana! We love fearless, stylish, smart, strong women, and Deana is one of those women. That Paul is a lucky dude. Raise your champagne glasses - or your 40s - to the Babe of the Week! Cheers, D!
 

Name: Deana Saukam
Occupation: Bon Vivant, Professional Eater, Harlem Globe Trotter
Single? Taken
Age: 29

What is your deal breaker?

Picky eaters, anorexia, lack of drive and ambition, pushovers, comb-overs, leftovers.

What is your deal maker?

Nerdy, sweet, funny guys, with style and ambition.  Must be able to enjoy life and a great meal.  Also, Alexander Skarsgard or Paul Qui.  ;)

What do you love most about Austin?

Everyone in Austin is so great.  It’s just really easy and relaxed, and so easy to get around.  I really like that everyone in the city is really excited about food lately – it’s amazing.  Love the hills and the lake too.

What was the first record/tape/cd you purchased with your own money?

I am going to go with Guns N Roses’ Appetite for Destruction.  I could have repeatedly stolen it from my older brother, from whom I “borrowed” a lot of things, but I do remember listening to it everyday when I was 5 or 6.  I had all the words memorized and was convinced that Slash was my real mother. 

Where do you like to hangout? (So Miss Austin fans can stalk you)

We’ve been traveling a lot recently, so when I am in Austin, I really like hanging out at home with our 2 cats, Goose and Bear, usually on the sofa or in bed.  They’re really cute and cuddly.  If I do leave the house, there is usually food and/or shopping involved.   Favorite places to eat/drink in Austin: Uchiko, East Side King, Lenoir, Second Bar + Kitchen, Kome, Sagra, The Liberty Bar, Weather Up. 

You are not someone who gets lost in a crowd. How do you describe your style? Any favorite pieces you own?

I can be pretty lazy when it comes to getting ready, so anything that is bright or with prints are easy to spot in my closet.  On a day-to-day basis, I usually just throw on whatever I can put on first.  Sometimes I end up looking a little crazy.

If I have to look presentable, my go-to designers are Alexander Wang, Rag & Bone, Mara Hoffman, Stella McCartney, and Mason by Michelle Mason.  If I am out, I am usually always wearing very high-heel wedges (at least 5”).  My newest ones are from Lanvin, Burberry, Chloe, and Pierre Hardy (all purchased last week!).  I might have a little bit of a shoe obsession.

Do you have any tips in regards to dating for the single ladies and dudes out there?

Don’t settle, and don’t be afraid to make the first move.  Be confident!  Have fun. 

Anything else we should know about you?  Any projects in the works? Fetishes? Arrest record? Bastard children?

I might be working on some new projects soon, but it’ll be a surprise (maybe even to myself).  No arrests or bastard children except for maybe my plants that are all semi-dead now.  Other than the above mentioned shoe obsession – food, travel, and fashion.  Those are all pretty normal though. 

                                                                                        

Booze and Babe, what else do you need?

What are y'all eating?! I want!

Too. Much. Sweetness.

I just want to close by saying her answers to our questions fucking ruled! With sass like that, she is well on her way to Babe of the Year. 

Hunk of the Week!

Name: Taylor Wilkins

Occupation: Guitarist/singer, Masters student, waiter, and owner of Otis the Destroyer

Single:  Eternally
Age: 25

Get Involved, Already

Yes, get involved, already. I have been exposed to so many great organizations from friends and colleagues, I feel it's my duty as a loud mouth to help spread their message. Creating a positive cycle of giving, and at the very least caring, about the people and animals around you makes for a pretty great place to live. I feel it here in Austin, and I know it's exists in other cities across the US of A, I know it. Well, except Hoboken, that place is a real shit hole. Sorry, Jersey.

What a handosme mug! Meet Gram Parsons. The The Gram Parsons Foundation is a local non-profit organization devoted to education and funding for substance abuse recovery in the artist and music community. Right now the GPF is participating in Video for Change where the winner receives a $5,000 grant. Help 'em out! It's easy, vote here:

http://promoshq.wildfireapp.com/website/6/contests/224796/voteable_entries/53231751

Well looky there, another pretty face! This is my baby girl, Lola. She is the love of my life, partner in crime, and over all top bitch. I love her in a very unhealthy, crazy abuelita, talk-to-her-when-I'm-super-borracha way. She protects me, and is the best thing I wake up to every morning. Pit Bulls get a bad rap, we all know that, mainly because of shitty owners and people like Michael Vick, but one group doing great things for our little friends is Love A Bull. Love A Bull is a local organization who helps promote responsible guardianship and improve the image and lives of pit bull type dogs through education, advocacy, and rescue. Great cause! Love A Bull regularly has events throughout town (bars especially) where you can bring your cute pup for some fun and fundraising all while chugging a beer. That shit warms my heart.

If Love A Bull doesn't strike your fancy (we can't be friends), then devote some of your animal love to Austin Pets Alive (we're friends again). They are always looking for donations, foster parents, or volunteers. Share the love to our furry friends and send me pics.

Here are some other organizations I support, and you should too. Check 'em out:

Front Steps - Helping the homeless. 

Planned Parenthood - I love PP and PP loves me.

Out Youth - Queer youth!

Generation Rescue - Bringing hope for Autism recovery.

LULAC - Helping La Raza.

NOH8 - I'm here, I'm queer! Marriage equality for everyone.

Operation Homefront - Love to wounded warriors.

These are just a few, pick something that speaks to you and get out there. Sometimes just volunteering makes a world of difference.

Tomorrow It's Goin' Down

Tomorrow night meet me and the beautiful ladies of BedPost Confessions at the ND (501 N I H 35 Austin, TX 78702). This will be my first BPC, the first of many I presume, and I hope to see all of you there. BedPost Confessions brings writers and performers together to form one big orgasmic show of sexual freedom and, what I hope, lots of giggles, and, please lord, a tingle in my dingle.

The show starts promptly at 8:00 pm, it's $5.00 at the door. Come say hi, I'll be the Mexi with a flask.
Get there.

http://www.facebook.com/#!/events/242491762532861/
http://www.bedpostconfessions.com/

Let's Get Romantical

As Keith Sweat would say, I wanna get freaky with you. Not enough dudes say that. That shit would give me the giggles, the good giggles, you know, the giggles that make me get naked. Snorting, bouncing giggles. Why yes, I do wanna get freaky with you. Especially, when you play a song that says, "Let me lick you up and down 'til you say stop." Ok, you got it. I like communicating at a very high level. I will say stop, thank you for laying down parameters we both can agree on. I like you.

Dudes, play Keith Sweat when you're serious about getting that ass, don't put this record on if you don't even plan on taking off your tube socks. You can't rush the sensuality of Sweat, don't try it. Respect.

I was thinking about other tunes I like that make me want to lick you up and down until you say stop. Some make sense, others might not, but hey, we all have our thing. Turn this shit up, shotgun a few beers together, and get the camera out. These are all ingredients for a hell of a time.

Some guy referenced Gwar's "Womb with a View" to me once, and I kind of fell in love. No shit. I thought that was funny, and all romantical and shit.

Shiiit. Play this and you will have titties in your face in 10 seconds flat. I love this song, turn it UP.

Ahh, nostalgia. This will get it real romantical. Pair this with a slow worm dance and a wine bladder, and you've got some serious seduction happening.


What songs do you play to get it romantical and shit? Share.

Spaulding The Dog!

That face! Miss Austin peeps, meet Spaulding the Dog. This little cutie lost his sight as a result from doggie diabetes and his Mom is having a yard sale to help with necessary fundraising. The good news is Spaulding is going to get his eyesight back this summer. He's on track for cataract surgery in July or August, and is in pre-treatment right now. There is going to be HUGE yard sale this Saturday and Sunday, 6/16 - 6/17. Help a pup out! Check out all the details here:

 

http://www.facebook.com/#!/events/252485418186420/?notif_t=plan_user_invited

Address:

920 Cardinal Lane, Austin, Tx 78704

 

 

We love pups!

Deal Breaker - Love Making Essentials Edition

Dirty Pillow/Pillowcases.
Are you fucking kidding me with this yellow drool stained shit? I might vomit on the spot, let alone rest my mocha head on that. Dudes, I have a secret - take your lazy, stoned ass to Target and splurge $10 on a new goddamn pillow, dirty fuck. This makes me violent. Not only does Exhibit A have yellow pillows, but he also has a motel quality polyester bed spread. Jesus, why don't you just dump a bucket of STD's on my head? This is all very sad, but I'll tell you what, you're definitely not staying over at my place if you drool yellow. I will put a plastic bag over your head and kiss you goodnight.


Deal Breaker!

Video Shoot Today!

What do you have going on today? Well, get your ass over to the 29th St. Ballroom today at noon to be immortalized in the Riverboat Gamblers newest video. It's an open call, wear your black formal attire, and it's inside so don't worry about melting in 100 degree heat. Sounds like a great time, get there!

Email gamblervideo@gmail.com.

Good Art, Bad Art, Just Make Art

I love art, all art, good or bad. I want to squeeze it out of a tube and wash my hair with it. Lather that shit up. Over on my Volcom blog, I share some of my personal work (good and bad) from over the years. I get a little personal, maybe too personal, but, hey, we're all friends here, right? Check it out and tell me what you think. You can hate it, that's fine. But, if you love it, you might get a big, wet smooch.

Look, I'll even give you a teaser: Vagina drawing.

You're hooked. Kisses to Volcom for their love.

Pool Time For Everyone!

Other than Mud Butt, the worse way to describe the Texas heat has to be Sticky Balls. Is there anything more repulsive than the image of two steamy hot sticky glands jammed in some moist cotton man panties? Gag. Ladies, we have to thank the heavens that we don't have those things between our legs. I am too hot natured for that shit. The sad truth of the matter is we don't all have a little pool at home to chill in with our michelada after a long work day, and that chaps my hide. If you work hard to pay them bills and make a living, you deserve some cool standing water, dammit. If you're a lazy, video game playing stoner, well then, you just need to put your sticky balls in the shower and call it a day. You don't deserve standing water, dirty ass.

Sometimes I just want to lay by a pool with a book, or music and just chill. Yes, the Greenbelt is badass, Barton Springs is fun, and all the other swimmin' holes kick ass, but sometimes I just want to be alone. Silence, a beer, and cold water, that's it.

Now, I am not condoning breaking and entering, just a easy jump of a fence or getting into character as a sunning tenant, is all. Easy, harmless. I try to avoid the mega-apartment complexes, mainly because there are too many Joe Cool's there who bring out the Mexi-rage.

Here are my picks for best apartment pools to break in to for a day:

Forest Creek Apartments (1401 St. Edwards Drive  Austin, TX 78704)
Why don't they just let bums come squat here? This shit is not secure, and thank you for it. Sometimes this place is a bit crowded (secret must be out) with them kids going nuts with their fun and all, but I've been here for a refreshing dip during the day and for a nice night swim. Dudes, the last time I was here for a night swim, the ladies were all topless. What a bonus, huh?! (I'm raising my eyebrows up and down real fast-like as I am writing this). This shit is not fancy, just easy.

Stoney Ridge Apartments (3200 South 1st Street Austin, TX 78704)
Ok, this pool is kind of in the middle of a parking lot, but hey, it works. It's quiet and clean. I've been here so many times, the office folk wave and ask how I am doing. I give them the thumbs up and tell them my rent will be early that month. It's a great rapport I've created.

The Brook Apartments (1824 South I H 35 Austin, TX 78704)
Cue, "I Wanna Sex You Up". This pool isn't even surrounded by a fence so it's pretty much a free for all. Score! A huge plus is that there is a lot of green grass to lay on if you're in to that, and, there are quite a few BBQ pits if you feel like firing up some wieners. Not only that, but if you have a strong immune system you can brave the hot tub that is secluded on the side. I always thought of coming up with a chemical dye you can drop in public swimming pools to see if there are STD's present. I think I'm on to something.

Barton Creek Landing Apartments (2800 Bartons Bluff Ln Austin, TX 78746)
Shhhhh.. it's quiet here. I hit this up at 10:00 am and stay for a few hours to read, relax, and dip, then I'm out before the buffoons get up and at 'em on a Sunday morning. It's perfect. Take your morning coffee and chill.

Omni Hotel Downtown (700 San Jacinto at 8th Street Austin, Texas 78701)
Are you feeling adventurous? The rooftop pool at the Omni is pretty fun when you're drunk and it's midnight. I know this isn't an apartment, but I had to throw this one in. Getting in might be a little hairy, but nothing's mission impossible in my opinion when you have a pool in your sights. Work your magic, show a titty, whatever, because the view is beautiful.


I hate those pools that have a key pad to get in, what assholes. I am working on hacking that system, don't you worry. I will share with all very soon. Until then, use your towel as a protector against those metals bars, and as a harness if need be.

Happy pooling!