August 30, 2012

September 10th, Ladies!

 
 
She's coming! This is HUGE news for Austin, and all the fashionable babes in our city. The British fashion label is pairing with Nordstrom to bring it's collection to the US, and Austin is one of the few chosen cities. YES! September 10, Nordstrom at Barton Creek Mall will debut their 2500 square foot space! I'm going to use a dick ton of exclamation points, I am that excited!! Let me just say, I was at the Topshop in NYC a few weeks ago, always a stop while in New York, and there was some bitchin' shit! From playsuits to dresses to jeans to shoes and accessories, so much fun stuff! As much as I hate the mall, I will be there on Sep. 10th. Hey, maybe I'll hit up BUY YAH KAH while I am there too!
 
 
Here is the list of cities who will be welcoming Topshop to their town:


Ala Moana (Honolulu, HI)
Barton Creek Square (Austin, TX)
Burlington (Burlington, MA)
Chandler Fashion Center (Chandler, AZ)
Dadeland Mall (Miami, FL)
Garden State Plaza (Paramus, NJ)
Irvine Spectrum Center (Irvine, CA)
Oakbrook Center (Oakbrook, IL)
Phipps Plaza (Atlanta, GA)
The Plaza at King of Prussia (King of Prussia, PA)
San Francisco Centre (San Francisco, CA)
South Coast Plaza (Costa Mesa, CA)
Southcenter (Tukwila, WA)
Valley Fair (San Jose, CA)



August 28, 2012

The Bronx!


Let's take a walk down memory lane. Years ago, I saw The Bronx at the old Emo's with Mastadon. I was standing in the middle of a tall, sweaty dude forest straining to see over their shoulders, tippy toe style, it was a great time. Mid-show, I remember turning to the side to take a swig of my beer when a drunk mess of a man stumbled out of the port-a-potty, vomits on the ground, then chugs his Lone Star tall boy. He swished it around, and spit it out. He didn't miss a beat, bringing his vomit beer back to the crowd front and center. Hard ass. This is the memory I have. Well, Friday I'm hoping lightning strikes twice. Get to the Red 7 on Friday to see The Bronx, they'll make you blow chunks, wash your mouth out with Lone Star, and keep partying!

Another fun show fact, I once got hit in the head with a water bottle at a Rage Against the Machine concert at Southpark Meadows when I was 19. I fell down when it hit me. Pussy.


http://www.red7austin.com/

August 21, 2012

Are You a Popsicle Kisser?


Fucking is so 2011. I'm all about kissing in 2012. Give me a good pout, and I'll give myself a chapped chin over that shit. I love a good make-out, preferably after a halfie of tequila and an ass slap. I'm not scared of little laryngitis, or the common cold, let's get to it. Does one even need a prescription for a Z-Pak these days anyway? One thing that will stop me in my tracks, however, is a cold sore. That will disorient me like a contact ripping. Ouch, it burns. I have to put on my glasses and jammies for comfort.

We've all experienced bad kissers at one time or another. At my age, I am shocked every time I encounter one. How can someone get to their late 20's to 30's with no one letting these lepers know any better? I blame manners. You know, sometimes good manners are a bad thing. Blaming ending a relationship or fling on opposite schedules, or not being in a good place, is one thing if the person is a good kisser, fine. Dance around that. Now, if that dude or gal is a shitty kisser, I might hate you. You are ruining it for everyone. Let them know, damnit. Coach a bitch. Tell her to stop trying so hard with her protruding top lip and those weird faces. Tell your dude to chill with the phallic tongue jamming. Come on, let's work together on this. These are the things that will make Austin even more of a utopia than it already is, I promise.

Maybe identifying some of these accusables will help with cleansing and growth: 
 



Popsicle kissers. You know when your sibling used to mock you grandparents when they took out their dentures? The soft lip over the gum look. Dudes, don't do this. Popsicle kissers have a soft, dry pout that gently presses up against yours over and over again. There's no tongue present, not lip grabbing, it's pretty much bobbing for apples on each other's face. If you're going to bob for apple's, you better have a exorbitantly large mouth. That's all I have to say.



Deep breaths. I hope I can get through this.
I don't have a problem with smoking, I like a good cigarette every now and again. Sometimes, I like 10, but whatever. I am also a fan of a good ol fashioned blunt or apple bong, who isn't? The problem, like with any other vice, are the dudes and gals who lose their mind. If you smoke a dickton throughout the night and your mouth looks like you haven't had a sip of water in decades, then we have a massive problem. This is velcro tongue. If I can feel your taste buds sliding in my mouth with the texture of a Mexican iguana, then you might find out what it's like to have a Mexican vomit down your throat.
I need my glasses and jammies, again. That was rough.




The Abyss. Is there anything more frightening then seeing a black hole coming right at your noggin' like it's going to suck you right into Neverland? Wide open mouth kissers feel a bit like a science project. I fucking love science, but not when your wide-ass mouth is coming at me in slow motion. It presses up against my pretty lady mouth with such blunt force. You give a lady a crick in her neck from fighting back, and you're none the wiser. You know the type, right? Abyss kissers have abnormally strong neck muscles, but frail lip and jaw muscles. That big man head is just pressed against you like a cinder block. You're lucky if you get our alive.




One thing you should know about me is that I get motion sickness easily. My Tia Lupe had a long Mexican station wagon (multi-colored, no AC, cerveza in console) she used to take me to Sunday school in. I would vomit, or have to hold my vomit, on many occasions. I also threw up chunks of watermelon on the deck while deep sea fishing when I was young tot. Needless to say, I am no stranger to Dramamine. Dudes who swirl their tongues excessively, thinking it's some kinky wait-til-she-gets-a-load-of-my-swirling-cock move, take me to that place. I can't keep up with that shit. If kissing you reminds me of a hot Mexican station wagon, and watermelon vomit, then we're probably done.


There are a couple other moves that need to be retired. The 3 Doors Down (tongue ring seduction) comes to mind. Still?? Really? That, and West 6th St. kissers. West 6th St. kissers try too hard with their dry eyeballs wide open, waiting for you to reaffirm their sexual prowess. No blinks, just cokehead pupils and dry sclarae.

Let's band together to clean up these streets. Agreed? If I need to put together a seminar or some shit at ACC, I will.




**When I said fucking was so 2011, I was kidding, ok?

August 13, 2012

Call to Action

That's it. It's time all the artists in this town band together. I'm enacting a motherfucking call to motherfucking action. As most of you know, I have an affinity for good ole fashioned music videos, and I want more. I need more. Please, give me more! I love getting lost in the silliness, rawness, the cameos, the storytelling, or whatever the concept may be, I love it all. I think we, as music lovers in a great music enabling town, should make some shit happen.

If YOU are playing in a band, no matter how big or small, start filming your shit. Film your shows, film your practice, or put together some Huey Lewis "I Want a New Drug" concept and do it. It's pretty easy with all the smart phones out there now, right? Don't be afraid, or over think it, just do it. I'm sure we all have a friend of a friend who is a student at UT, or St. Edward's who can smuggle some shit into their editing room, if you need to. I have faith. Send me your cut, post it on You Tube, post it on Facebook, whatever you want. Just put some thought into it and make it your own. Let's do this!!



 One of the best. I'd fuck the shit out of DLR just for his jumping, squealing, high-kicking videos.

 Cameo by John Goodman? Yes, please.



 I love the Juice.

 I make a cameo in this video!

 Love these dudes.

Remember this racist shit?




Does this inspire you? If you need a good talkin' to, I can get you fired up. I know some bands in town who are still making music videos, a big titty shake to you, I love you for it. Now, the rest of you - GO and report back. Quit being a lazy, stoner already.


August 10, 2012

MAN MEAT


Who's hungry? Check out a piece I wrote for Austin Fusion Magazine on my Hunks and Babes in their August issue. I'll be around this weekend searching for more lovely locals to showcase as I help kick off Austin Fashion Week. I'll be joining the Gram Parsons Foundation at the Joie de Vintage fashion show at the Joie de Vie salon Saturday, Aug. 11 from 7-10 pm. All proceeds from the raffle to benefit the Gram Parsons Foundation. Come check out the all the fun frocks from Electric Frenchie and Bloomers! Also, Shakey Graves is playing. Bring it.




See you there!

August 9, 2012

Babe of the Week



Name: Nicole Fairres, better known as Pickels
Occupation: Concierge at W Austin – I LOVE MY JOB
Single?  Nope
Age:  29


What is your deal breaker?
Pessimist.  Bad taste in music.  Bad taste.

What is your deal maker?
Confidence. Active. Sense of humor.

What do you love most about Austin?
I love how health conscious this city is. I’m a big outdoorsy person so I fit in well here. Great variety of food….oh the food!  Love how casual it is here, anything goes. Friendly folks. Art, film, MUSIC. 

Where do you like to hangout? So Miss Austin fans can stalk you...
Justine’s!  East Side Showroom, Dirty Bills, Shangri La, Bouldin Creek Coffeehouse, Black Swan Yoga, Barton Springs, Town Lake!

I love old music videos, it's a shame they aren't what they used to be. Which old music video would you say speaks to you the most and why?
‘She Sells Sanctuary’ by The Cult.  I feel this song in my bones!  Makes me wanna flip a table and dance all night long. 

What was the first record/tape/cd you purchased with your own money?
‘Closer’ by NIN on tape. I wore green doc martins and a maroon bomber jacket. I was 12 years old. 

Who is more likely to make your nipples hard: Bruce Springsteen? Freddy Fender? Charo? John Wayne? Bill Hicks? John Goodman? Someone else?
BRUCE FREDERICK JOSEPH SPRINGSTEEN.  Always and forever, and ever. 

You are not someone who gets lost in a crowd. How do you describe your style? Any favorite pieces you own?
My vintage cowboy boots that I bought in Berkeley, CA in 2005. My style is a representation of how I feel each day. I put on what feels right and makes me feel good. I also LOVE red lipstick.

Anything else we should know about you? Any projects in the works? Fetishes? Arrest record? Bastard children?
My name is Pickels. I have a dog named Springsteen. My grandma was a cotton picker. I bought groceries with food stamps as a child. I used to be an advertising exec in Hollywood. I've owned two homes. I love a good honky tonk. I am now a proud dark chocolate addict thanks to my boyfriend. My dad is a redneck and the hardest working man I know. My mom is a sweetheart. I love a strong coffee and good wine. I'm obsessed with food, and fascinated by people. The end.  













Hunk of the Week!



I love old music videos, it's a shame they aren't what they used to be. Which old music video would you say speaks to you the most and why?


Stevie Ray Vaughn's Cold Shot. Really, all of Stevie Ray Vaughn's videos are hilarious.
Also, I love live footage videos from Cream and Deep Purple. I learned a lot of my shit from live footage videos. 

August 7, 2012

Home Slice, I Love You.



Calzone: (käl-sō'nĕ, kăl-zō'nē) A baked or fried Italian turnover of pizza dough filled with vegetables, meat, or cheese

Calzones: (kahl-sown-ehs) Underwear. Also, chones
(choe-nehs)



Did you know this delicious Italian treat has multiple meanings? Growing up, I always knew calzones as my dad's whitey tighties. Still, as an adult, I get the childish giggles when someone orders a calzone. I can't help it, I'm not right. I went to Home Slice this weekend with my parents when my dad got real funny, like my kind of funny. We sit down, order some beverages. The lovely waitress asks us if we would like to order a pie or a calzone, perhaps. As soon as I heard her say calzone, I knew it was on. My dad starts fucking with her so hardcore, in a playful way, of course. 

"Mumblemumblemumble, chingao. Mis mumblemumbles calzones, chingao."

Then he just starts cracking up at his own calzones joke. I have no idea what he said, it doesn't really matter. I know he was referencing his own calzones, that's enough. I explain to the waitress that he is making a joke about his underpants. She laughs. We all laugh. My mom is embarrassed. The waitress walks away and probably rolls her eyes.

I just want to tell that waitress at Home Slice that I love her, and I want her to be the next Babe of the Week. She didn't fold under the borderline inappropriate, waist-snapping calzones pressure. I'm guessing calzones jokes might be frowned upon during supper in other establishments like P.F. Chang's or some shit, but not at the best pie joint in my neck of the woods. I love you, waitress. I love you, Home Slice.