Austin - Making it the Most Ideal City One Campfire at a Time

Cue a sensual bass line...

This little number goes out to all the women after me. I'm dedicating this with an R. Kelly finger kiss to the sky and a slight sentimental head tilt. Ladies in Austin, San Antonio, Denton, and New York City - all the places I've lived - you're welcome. Why? Because throughout time, I've obeyed the rule, the rule that should be on your mind when you unsnap that brassiere. The rule that commands the respect of all woman and mankind - leave the campfire better than you found it. This is a rule we all need to abide, and I do it with pride. You are getting it good because of me, and I am getting it better because of you. Look at our vaginas high-fiving each other! Man, we are curing global issues here.

This sort of kindness is what makes for ideal living. Can we agree that Austin is the raddest place to live? Yes, we can. Can you imagine if everyone in our little city was a 10 in bed? Holy shit! Now, if you are not participating in the camp fire rule, you need to get the fuck out of Austin. I will not have you. You need to go to Dallas or Midland or some shit where mediocrity and lazy fucking is accepted. Let's all shotgun a Lonestar, and shake on it that we are all going to coach a dude or lady when he or she goes astray, ok? Bad kissers be gone, mousy lays be gone, bad blowies be gone. All GONE.

Now, this isn't just a chest bump to the keepers of the fire, but also the Boy Scouts who are so willing to learn. You get a new fleshlight patch for being part of the team, and passing your new skills along. Way to be! I will say, let's be reminded to leave your ego deep in the woods, don't get offended when someone gives you a tap on the shoulder. No, give them a wink and a eskimo kiss for their thoughtfulness and caring about Austin so much.  Deal? Deal.

Can we pass this message along to all? If I need to take out a page in the Statesman to teach some uptighters, then so be it. Hey, let's even include North Austin. If you live north of 183, you are part of the team too. Let's not let highways divide us. Let's all participate in the camp fire rule even if you're kicking it at Chuy's North.

Camping is fun.

Equality For All - It's Time

Really, it's past that time.
Equality for all.

Happy St. Patrick's Day, I Guess.

I could write a Happy St. Patrick's Day piece here but I thought, nah, why write something new when I can repost last year's St. Paddy's shame. It's the same shit. You know this is happening right now downtown, and it's a nightmare filled with a bunch of non-Irish assholes hootin-and-hollerin', pissing on the streets, and trying to spread their cold sores. Maybe I'm just feeling SXSW pangs of exhaustion, so I'm a little grumpy, but let's take a walk down memory lane anyway.


March 18, 2012
What a non-Irish shit show. After the SXSW fun at the Jackalope yesterday, I was walking down the dirtiest of Sixth Street (that's all of Sixth, mind you) and came across too many fucking morons to count all celebrating St. Patrick's Day. I loathe St. Patrick's kooky wear. People pull together the most eye bleeding ensemble, then troll downtown littering our pristine streets. The funny thing I noticed is that my people (La Raza) aren't dressed up with green feather boas, and wacky green socks. Nope. This is a gringo specific activity. Even when it's Cinco de Mayo, or Mexican Independence Day, we keep our shit in a margarita glass. Sure, we get a little rowdy, but at least you won't trip on a curb when you're neck is being whipped back because of some dude in a green thong screaming, "Kiss me, I'm Irish!" No, you're not. You're Polish.

I told this guy he couldn't use the bus as part of his St. Patrick's ensemble, that's cheating. He then tried to put on his plastic hat over his sunglasses, numerous times. Also, his vodka shirt gave away his non-Irish blood.

I would love to jump in on their conversation.

Wow. 1995 non-Irish. "I'm fucking so hard tonight."

(not sure what that means, so many interpretations)

Mom and Dad non-Irish, or UT undergrad non-Irish? Could go either way.

Elf non-Irish? Think he played on the patio of Wendy's on 6th and I35.

These two non-Irish just hauled ass from Barton Creek Mall. I think they both wanted to punch me in the face for taking their photo.

Ms. Merchandise non-Irish. Way to step it up, lady.

What the fuck is going on here? What are these things? This isn't even ok for non-Irish strippers.

Ugh. This non-Irish couple just made sick. I think it was that dudes pants and flops.

Now, this motherfucker is Irish!

I can't make this shit up. This was one of those hold-my-camera-up-and-hope-I-get-a-shot moments, and boy, did I. There are too many non-Irish things happening in this shot of a lifetime. From my Jewish New York cousin in the thong with his nasty, dirty ass crack, to the gay/straight dude palming his junk, to the white MC smoking a blunt, and the wigger on the right who said, "This is so muthafuckin' tight and dope, yo."
And, finally I got him! The only Irish dude I found on Sixth Street yesterday was the guy at the bottom who looks like he was being held against his will. I tried to free him, but it was like our fingers couldn't grasp one another. I think he started crying. I kind of did too.

SXSW - Volcom Free Beer Party!

SXSW - Nylon Mag and Volcom!

I heading down to the W for Nylon Magazine's party with my lovely Volcom Girls. It's going down on the Terrace at The W. RSVP at terraceatthew.com. Come say hello, and bring me a water. Seriously.

SXSW - Austin Facial Hair Fiasco!

Today! Fun! Come join me and some hairy men (and women) for the Austin Facial Hair Fiasco at The Grackle. Free Brooklyn Beer, free oysters! I'll be one of the judges getting all up in that hair. I want to nestle the shit out of some man hair tonight. 

Schedule of events:
7:30-7:35 Intro to judges etc.
7:35-8:20 The Beards
8:20-8:35 Partial Beard 1st round
8:35-9:10 Vitamins 
9:10-9:20 Mustache 1st Round
9:20-9:55 Toy Soldiers
9:55-10:10 Full Beard 1st Round
10:10-11:00 Mello Bravo
11:00-11-20 All Category Finals


Do 512 here. See you there!

SXSW - Sailor Jerry: Booze, Bands, Booze, and Free Tattoos!

Sailor Jerry has taken over the Gypsy Lounge (1504 E 6th Street) for SXSW starting..now! All weekend there will be a ton of bands (shocking), booze (yes!), and FREE TATTOOS. What?! Free tattoos will be offered up daily (first come, first served) by resident American Traditional expert Downtown Terry Brown. But there's a catch - you have to throw a dart at a board covered in different Norman Collins flash designs in order to determine which piece will get inked on your body. The dart board is below:

Hey, make a memory with a pal, get an anchor on your cheek or eyelid or some shit. Also, the Sailor Jerry peeps will be accepting entries for a very special tattoo giveaway for a FREE session with Oliver Peck of Ink Master. On Friday, one lucky person will be chosen and the tattoo will be done live at the venue on Saturday, March 16th. As always, there will be plenty of Sailor Jerry cocktails floating around. Check out the line-ups below (Spits!). 

Follow me on Instagram and Twitter: @missaustintexas

SXSW - Austin Facial Hair Fiasco

This Thursday after you come get all memaw drunk at the Riunite Wine Tour, stumble over to The Grackle for the Austin Facial Hair Fiasco! These dudes from Boston are going to take over the Grackle Rock party for the evening with a beard and mustache competition and some good old fashioned rock and roll. Party starts at 7:30 pm, I'll be one of the judges feeling up the dudes, so come on down! This is a free party, no need to RSVP.


NOT-SO-PRO TIP:  If you get tired of all the delicious food trailers around, or the free pizza at the Riunite Wine Tour, there's a Church's Chicken right across the street from The Grackle.

SXSW - Riverboat Gamblers/Thee Oh Sees

Tonight! Free beer and BBQ with the Riverboat Gamblers and Thee Oh Sees! Shut your mouth! Rooftop party! FREE! 

Exclamation points!!!!

You have to RSVP here to get in. 

SXSW - Today!

Don't let this little rain put you off, we're still going to be bringing the pain today at the Hotel Vegas for the Suicide Girls SXSW party! It all starts at 7:00 pm. Get there early, there's sure to be a line. The first 100 people get a free 1 year membership to Suicide Girls!

Some lucky dude or dame will also get a sweet gift basket filled with goodies from Miss Austin, Suicide Girls, and Hotel Vegas (including 2 VIP passes to all SXSW events at the Hotel Vegas!). I will be randomly selecting one person who is a new subscriber to Miss Austin. Look for me to sign up!

Keep checking back on the blog and Instagram throughout the evening as I will be posting photos and updates of the event.

Do 512 here, you gotta RSVP to this one, folks.


Follow me on Instagram and Twitter: @missaustintexas

SXSW - Riunite Reunion Tour

This rules so hard. I am teaming up with Riunite wine (yes, that Riunite) for a SXSW party on Thursday, March 14 on the corner of 6th & Brushy streets, just east of downtown. Team Riunite (a bunch of memaws get fucking buckwild) will have an RV set up with an outdoor lounge for all you SXSWers to come cheers the day and night away. I will be there from 3:00-5:00 pm giving away a special Miss Austin cocktail, Mexi-Tits. Yes, you have to say that to get it.

Mexi-Tits
Trebbiano/Moscato
Titos Vodka - Pear infusion
St. Germaine
Fresh squeezed lemon juice, bitters, mint leaves

They are also giving away free Roppolo's Pizza and blow. Kidding! No blow, just pizza. Come say hi, let's chill and get weird drunk off of Mexi-Tits!

Do 512 here.

Follow me on Instagram and Twitter: @missaustintexas

SXSW: Suicide Girls +Miss Austin + Sailor Jerry + Hotel Vegas = Mucho Exclamation Points !!!!!

Oh shit! I've got the inside track on some hot babies who are going to be at the Suicide Girls SXSW party this weekend, and it's going to be nuts! I'm just going to throw some teasers your way of these sassy ladies. Let's sychronize our watches to titty-thirty and I'll see you there!

Charmaine

Periguin

Alissa

The first 100 people in line will get a FREE 1 year membership to Suicide Girls.

There will be a live casting for hopefuls with the lady herself, Missy Suicide. 

I will be picking one lucky person to receive a bitchin' gift basket filled with goodies from us all - Miss Austin, Suicide Girls, Hotel Vegas, and Sailor Jerry. 

Interactive Suicide Girls photo booth (wonder what that means?!) 


Performances by:

    BOBBY JEALOUSY    KAY LEOTARD
    RUBY FRAY
    SEXPLOITS
    AMNESIA BABIES    dj MAHEALANI
    dj CHANTAL    + SPECIAL GUESTS

RSVP here on Do512.

Follow me on Instagram and Twitter: @missaustintexas

SXSW - AFHC Grackle Rock 3

Austin Facial Hair Club is throwing their annual Grackle Rock party and and the line-up is out. My old lady eyes can't read the shit above, so here it is below. Note: Thursday 3/14, I'll be one of the judges getting drunk at the Austin Facial Hair Fiasco beard and mustache competition with Tallboy Industries. Let's do this!

Wednesday March 13, 2013
Portland Party 2
Presented by Tender loving Empire, A to Z Wineworks, Octopus Entertainment, Voodoo Doughnuts, Marmoset and Eleven Mag.
Inside
12:30-1:00 Hip Hatchet (Portland, OR)
1:30-2:00 Vikesh Kapoor (Portland, OR)
2:30-3:00 Rafael Vigilantics (Portland, OR)
3:30-4:00 Nick Jaina (Portland, OR)
4:30-5:00 Bike Thief (Portland, OR)
5:30-6:00 The Shivas (Portland, OR)
6:30-7:00 Animal Eyes (Portland, OR)
7:30-8:00 Wild Ones (Portland, OR)
8:30-9:00 Sean Flinn & The Royal We (Portland, OR)
9:30-10:00 Radiation City (Portland, OR)
10:30-11:00 Sapient (Portland, OR)
11:20-11:50 Tango Alpha Tango (Portland, OR)
12:10-12:40 Natasha Kmeto (Portland, OR)
1:00-1:30 Dual Mode (Portland, OR)

Outside
12:00-12:30 Seacats (Kelso, WA)
1:00-1:30 McDougall (Portland, OR)
2:00-2:30 Water Tower (Portland, OR)
3:00-3:30 Rare Monk (Portland, OR)
4:00-4:30 Quiet Life (Portland, OR)
5:00-5:30 Shook Twins (Portland, OR)
6:00-6:30 The Chicharones (Portland, OR)
7:00-7:30 Rags & Ribbons (Portland, OR)
8:00-8:30 Battleme (Portland, OR)
9:00-9:30 BRAINSTORM (Portland, OR)
10:00-10:30 Sallie Ford & The Sound Outside (Portland, OR)

Grackle Annex (Robert's Yard)
Go Pro Underwater Photo Booth 2-6pm
Poolside Acoustic Stage
1:00-1:30 Quiet Life (Portland, OR)
1:40-2:10 Animal Eyes (Portland, OR)
2:20-2:50 Nick Jaina (Portland, OR)
3:00-3:30 Southerly (Portland, OR)
3:40-4:10 Nathan Trueb (Portland, OR)
4:20-4:50 Water Tower (Portland, OR)
5:00-5:30 Wild Ones (Portland, OR)
5:40-6:10 Hip Hatchet (Portland, OR)

Thursday March 14
Inside:
1:00-1:20 Palms (Tempe)
1:45-2:05 Captain Squeegee (Tempe)
2:30-2:50 Galaxy Express (Korea)
3:15-3:35 Dune Rats (Australia)
4:00-4:20 MaryAnn (Austin)
4:45-5:05 Bugs in the Dark (Brooklyn)
5:30-5:50 The Parish Festival (Austin)
6:15-6:35 Japhy's Descent (Tempe)
7:00-7:20 Patrick's Beard and the Rusty Razors (Austin)

7:45-8:05 Tango in the Attic (Scotland)
8:30-8:50 The Budrows (Alisa Viejo)
9:15-9:35 UNTD SNKS (Austin)
10:00-10:20 Lick Lick (Austin)
10:45-11:05 BiPolar Gentlemen (Austin)
11:30-12:00 Light Screamer (Sweden)
12:25-1:00a Tia Carrera (Austin)

Outside
Japan Preview day show
13:00-13:25 The Mornings (Japan)
13:35-14:00 SuiseiNoboAz (Japan)
14:10-14:35 JOSY (Japan)
14:45-15:10 Chihiro Yamazaki + Route 14 Band (Japan)
15:20-15:45 Jake Stone Garage (Japan)
15:55-16:20 FOUR MINUTES TIL MIDNIGHT (Japan)
16:30-16:55 Teen Runnings (Japan)
17:05-17:30 LITE (Japan)
17:40-18:05 Pirates Canoe (Japan)
18:15-18:40 Charan Po Rantan (Japan)
18:50-19:15 Kao=S (Japan)


TallBoy presents the Austin Facial Hair Fiasco
Beard/Mustache competition
Free Oysters 7-8pm from Island Creek Oysters

7:30-7:35 Intro to judges etc.
7:35-8:20 The Beards (Australia)
8:25-8:35 Partial Beard 1st round
8:35-9:10 Vitamins (Austin)
9:10-9:20 Mustache 1st Round
9:20-9:55 Toy Soldiers (Philadelphia)
9:55-10:10 Full Beard 1st Round
10:10-11:00 Mello Bravo (Boston)
11:00-11-20 All Category Finals


Friday March 15
Shifting Sounds, Exploding in Sound, and
Inflated Records Presents...
Inside Stage:
1:00-1:25 Kal Marks (Boston)
1:45-2:10 Bombat Show Pig (The Netherlands)
2:30-2:55 California X (Amherst, MA)
3:15-3:40 Big Ups (Brooklyn)
4:00-4:25 Roomrunner (Baltimore)
4:45-5:10 Creepoid (Philadelphia
5:30-5:55 Paws (Glasgow, Scotland)
6:15-6:40 Eagulls (Leeds, England)
7:00-7:25 Bleeding Rainbow (Philadelphia)
7:45-8:10 Sleepies (Brooklyn)
8:30-8:55 Capsula (Bilboa, Spain))
9:15-9:40 So Cow (Galway, Ireland)
10:00-10:25 Shark? (Brooklyn)
10:45-11:10 Squarehead (Dublin, Ireland)
11:30-11:55 Party Wizard (Austin)
12:15-12:40 DIE! DIE! DIE! (New Zealand)
1:00-1:25 Dog Bite (Atlanta)

Outside
Father Daughter Records/Gold Robot/Small Plate Presents:
12:15-12:35 GEMS (Washington DC)
12:50-1:10 Mutual Benefit (Boston)
1:25-1:45 Body Parts (Los Angeles)
2:00-2:20 Night Panther (Philadelphia)
2:35-2:55 Monster Rally (Cleveland)
3:10-3:30 Day Joy (Orlando)
3:45-4:05 Roman Ruins (Oakland)
4:20-4:40 Conveyor (Brooklyn)
4:55-5:15 Francisco The Man (Los Angeles)
5:30-6:00 Levek (Gainesville)

Shifting Sounds, Exploding in Sound, and
Inflated Records Presents...
6:30 - 7:00 - Ume (Austin)
7:15-7:45 Spiritual Wives (Austin)
8:00-8:30 The Devil Rides (Austin)
8:45-9:15 The West Windows (Dallas)
9:30-10:00 Gentlemen Rogues (Austin)
10:15-10:45 Magnet School (Austin)
11:00-11:30 Ultimate Fakebook (Manhattan KS)

Saturday March 16
Saturday
Inside
FXFY'all Presents:
12:20-12:50 Future of Air Travel (Austin)
1:10-1:40 The Driftin' Outlaw Band (DFW)
2:00-2:30 The Beards (Australia)
2:45-3:10 Enough (Miami)
3:30-3:55 Cave Bees (Vermont)
4:15-4:45 Corrine Rose (Austin)
5:00-5:30 Christopher Denny (Austin)
5:45-6:15 Dirty Charlie Band (Austin)
6:30-7:00 Sour Bridges (Austin)
7:15-7:45 Dad Jim (Austin)
8:00-8:30 Red Dirt Rebellion (Austin)
8:45-9:05 Animal Train (Austin)
9:30-10:00 Ralph White (Austin)
10:20-10:50 Homer Henderson (Austin)
11:10-11:30 Churchwood (Austin)
11:50-12:15 Hunters (Brooklyn)
12:35-1:05 Zirque Bois d'Arc (Russia)
1:15- 1:45 MC Trachiotomy (New Orleans)

Outside
Peelander Fest 3!!!
12:00-12:20 Residual Kid (Austin)
12:35-12;55 TV Ghost (Lafayette, IN)
1:10-1:30 Anamanaguchi (Brooklyn)
1:45-2:05 Otonana Trio (Tokyo)
2:20-2:40 Big Foot Chester (Austin)
2:55-3:15 The Blind Shake (Minneapolis)
3:30-3:50 Pretty Little Demons (Los Angeles)
4:05-4:25 Cunto! (Austin)
4:40-5:00 MC Lars (Los Angeles)
5:15-5:35 Peelander Z (Planet-P)

FXFY Presents:
6:15-6:45- Shinta (Austin)
7:00-7:30-White Powder (Austin)
7:45-8:15- The Well (Austin)
8:30-9:00- Fuck Work (Austin)
9:15-9:45- Wet Lungs (Austin)
10:00-10:30- Woodgrain (Austin)
10:45-11:15- OMGWTFBBQ (Austin)
11:30-12:00-Migas (Austin)

SXSW - 3/16 Volcom Free Beer Party

SXSW - Teaser!

SXSW unofficially unofficial party. You will need to RSVP by writing your name on a square of toilet paper and dropping it in my mailbox. Thursday, March 14th is going to be fun. The event involves me, America's All Time Favorite Mexican, a certain wine company, and food from a delicious local Italian market. You know, everything Italian brought to you by a sassy Mexican. It makes sense.

More details are coming, just know this: !Todo es gratis!

TEASER.


Follow me on Instagram & Twitter: @missaustintexas