Way to make tits look bad

I love a nice rack. I love women's bodies, men's bodies, I love it all. This girl took a shit on tits. I saw her at a party and she was such a disgusting bitch I had to put her on here. She was so rude to one of my friends I wanted to stick a pin in her tits and watch them melt. I love when average looking girls decide to get drag queen tits then suddenly think they're 10's. I don't have anything against plastic surgery, I have a problem with ordinary, boring, vanilla girls thinking they can be assholes to nice people.

To the young audience out there, love your tits, big or small, but if you decide to go the fake route, do it in the States, not Tijuana like this dumb broad did. And, don't go through the nipple, that freaks me out seeing those weird scars.

Disclaimer Boyfriends

Oh, these types of guys are the worst. Cringe. Disclaimer boyfriends are the guys you have to constantly warn your friends and family prior to hanging out because he has some strange tick about him, or he is one of those people who thinks they are really funny, but aren't, or he is completely devoid of personality but you continue to hang out with him because he has a large penis or simply just out of boredom. I think the worst disclaimer boyfriend is like the dude above (either one). Ugh, he's zany. Zany guys give you that unpleasant twinge down below, the feeling of a dry vagina. These two zanies synced their "funny" dancing skills on the dance floor to the sounds of Usher. Gross.

Hard News - Fast Food Edition

I love that Eddie Murphy movie where he and Arsenio Hall leave their kingdom in Africa to come to America and end up working at that place on Queens Blvd. called McDowell's. That movie gives me the giggles every time I see it. Well, I had the misfortune of going to McDowell's number one competitor this weekend. I tagged along while my brother took my neice and nephew to play on the playground at this popular fast food chain over the holiday. I didn't touch a damn thing while I was there, I was so afraid of getting scabies or some shit. While I was heading to the restroom I got a little nosey. I knew if I looked hard enough I would find something gross/hilarious/terrifying. I opened the closet at the end of the hallway and started moving stuff around and I found Exhibit A (above)! On the bright side, the trap was still in tact. On the down side, that is a big motherfucking trap. That isn't a mouse trap, that's a RAT trap! shudder. I'm scared of getting shot by the Hamburglar or Gremice so I am not saying the name of this fast food restaurant or where the location is. I did tell my niece that the hamburgers are made from rat bodies, and the strawberry shakes are pink because they grind up their pink tails in the ice cream. I think she's anorexic now. She's 5. She'll thank me come swimsuit season.  

Hunk of the Week!

Name: Sean

Occupation: Waiter/ “Musician”

Single:    No way!

Age:  25

What is your dealbreaker?

Cat ladies…really??

What is that smell?

Wait, is that armpit hair?WHAT!?!

I once had a girl insist on me holding her dear pet tarantula...otherwise it wasn’t going to work out…I ran like hell..

What is your dealmaker?

You think I’m way cooler than I am..which is already really cool.

You don’t like lady blabla.. “even though she is a great musician”

The waiter comes by to take my almost finished plate and you say “oh he’s not done with that” and proceed eat what I couldn’t…and you still don’t get fat!

What do you love most about Austin?

That I am not considered a hippy by its standards unlike the small “good ole boy” town from which I hail. There is music everywhere all the time. Whether it’s the sweet, sweet serenade by Johnny UK of South Congress and whatever street corner you are trying to cross or the rock n' roll of Red River constantly fighting the noise ordinance…Its here to stay..so if  you don’t like it PLEASE go away!

Where do you like to hangout? (so Miss Austin fans can stalk you)

 If you’ve got a buy one get one free anything, I’m there.

Anything else we should know about you?  Fetishes? Arrest record? Bastard children?

No little Sean's running around!! Sorry Mom!

Babe of the Week!

Babe: Kelli
Occupation: Shopgirl
Single: Used to be before I met my husband
Age: 33

MA: What is your dealbreaker?
K: Unemployment and flip flops are two sure ways to turn me into a born again virgin.

MA: What is your dealmaker?
K: Funny, always gets me. The first time I stepped up to the counter to order a coffee at the bakery my husband was working at his first words to me were "I like your shirt, I like your pants, I like your shoes." I laughed and my co-worker standing next to me assumed he was gay--I think probably until our wedding. Also being called darlin', but you may need a southern accent to pull that off correctly.

MA: What do you love most about Austin?
K:  I love the wealth of patios and general outdoor entertainment possibilities.

MA: Where do you like to hang out?
K: Home with my husband drinking beers on the patio, which often turns into all-this-beer-makes-us-think-we-can-dance-party in the living room. If I end up out and about you will find me on the patio of a Mexican restaurant drinking a margarita. Which often ends in shenanigans. True story: my friend and I drank a pitcher of margaritas at polvos and proceeded to made jackasses of ourselves when we excitedly approached Wynonna Judd at the table next to us just to let her know that we loved her, Austin loved her and Texas loved her, to which she graciously responded to the two giggling drunks standing in front of her that she loved the love. 

MA: Anything else we should know about you? Fetishes? Arrest record? Bastard children?
K:  I have too many fetishes too list, it would give me a hand cramp writing them all down. Amazingly, I have never been arrested. My worst encounter with the law was an MIP at 19. On that particular subject I can say that after failing a sobriety test it's never a good idea to claim you have only had one beer and then ask if you can pee behind their police car. 

Do's and Don'ts of flops

Being in Texas it gets real fucking hot, I get it. We are approaching the time when minimal clothes are necessary to survive. Flip flops are a tricky thing. Usually, women and gay men get a pass because they all take care of their feet. You know, buffing the dry skin off, trimming the nail, and shaving/waxing any unsightly hair, etc. Now, I have seen some dinosaur feet on women (as seen below) and dudes with yellow toe nails (gag reflex). I beg of you Austin, please just look down at your dogs and ask yourself, "Would a hunk or babe suck on these?" If the answer is no, please, please put on them sneakers. Thanks.

Do. Not bad, he thought about it and he looks like he's ready for the pool. I like.

Don't. Woof. This is a woman. Her flop doesn't even want to be associated with that stump.

DON'T.  Giggles. I can't take it.  

Do. Girly and appropriate.

 Don't. She would've gotten a pass because she's old, but her old feet were so dry and cracked I almost spit my coffee on her.

Don't. I can't get beyond the dirty breakfast time ass crack. I couldn't get a good look at either one of their feet.

Lady killer in an apron

I have a soft spot for super tall, aloof Joey Ramone look-a-likes. I saw this waiter and left him a generous tip just for being him. By generous tip, I mean I left him a note on my bill that said he should wait on tables wearing a motorcycle jacket and 90's circular sunglasses, he would make way more money. Clearly he thinks I'm crazy. But, notice all his female co-workers fawning over him, they get it. You know he has felt up every single one of those ladies in the back cooler. Good for Joey Ramone. Listen up dude, if you follow my tip, I might make you Hunk of the Week.

P.S. I'm not a complete asshole, I did leave him money too. C'mon.

What's the worst thing that can happen on a job interview?

I would say the person who is interviewing you thinks it's a date, that's a pretty bad interview.

While I was living in NYC last year I had a friend hook me up with a possible job opportunity. This dude works for well known company so I was excited I scored an interview with them (notice I blacked out his entire face?! He could take down the Miss Austin empire if I'm not careful). He asks me to meet him at his favorite restaurant because he was having a business dinner and we can chat after. Great.
I sit down, he looks at me and says,
 "Do you know where you are?"
"Uhhh, yes, The Village."
"No, do you know where you are sitting?"
Confusion.
"Look around, do you notice anything about this place?" Shit. I'm thinking, wow, he's already testing me. I explain my take on the aesthetics of the restaurant.
He says, "No, look at all the photos on the wall." There restaurant was covered with photos of celebrities who have been there.
Then he says, "Look at the photo above our booth."
Oh, God, no.
This motherfucker was pointing out a photo of himself because the booth we are sitting at is HIS booth. Gross. He waves the waiter over, orders champagne and strawberries (gross, again), a bottle of vodka (I'm getting raped tonight) and some cigars (crying inside). I immediately try to switch gears to professional questions about the company, the available position, etc. He cuts me off.
"What is your favorite song?" You have got to be kidding me.
"Who is your favorite group?" Stop.
"What is your favorite type of watch?" What does that even mean?!! And, yes he really asked that.
At this point he waves the waiter over and motions to him. The waiter brings over a sharpie.  He takes his framed photo off the wall and hands it to me to sign.
"Everyone I bring here has to sign my photo." I get the drunk giggles. By this time, I have almost polished off the bottle of champagne realizing that a job prospect is a laughing matter at this point. All I have now is good material.
"I really don't feel comfortable signing."
"Oh, come on, it's fun." Me, stoned face. I grab the sharpie, color his eyes in and write my name like a 3rd grader. He is not amused.
He reaches in his pocket for something. I am thinking, what next? Please be good. He pulls out some Carmex and starts slathering it on his lips. Giggles, again. I notice a interesting shimmer on the top of his lip. Oh, it's a herpe. I hadn't noticed it before because it was so dark but the lip gloss made it suddenly more vivid.
After the herpe sighting, I thanked him for the great buzz, took a cigar on my way out and used his driver to get home.

It's good to be employed and back in Texas.

Izzoz Tacos wants to please the taco loving community

My loud mouth got me in trouble the other night, or so I thought. I was at a bar and I start yapping how I am working on a Hard News segment for Miss Austin. Some dude mentions Izzoz Tacos (S. 1st & Monroe St. food trailer) and I blab how gross I think it is how they have a Port-o-Potty and garbage dumpster right next to their food trailer (I'd been once, the smell was so bad that I didn't want to eat anything). Of course the guy I was talking to was the owner of Izzoz and he gave me a look like "you dumb fucking bitch". He asked me if I liked the food. I said I didn't eat because I got grossed out by the swarm of flies and the smell of rotting possum. After that awkward exchange and my embarrassment, I bolted out of there. So about a week later I am at the same bar and who do I see? The owner again. Fuck. He remembers me, I say hello. I have to say this guy is the nicest person. He told me after our conversation he had the Port-o-Potty and dumpster moved to the other side of the parking lot! Then he buys me a beer!!! Shit. I felt awful. On the bright side, I was able to document the before and after for you all to see. I am now a fan of Izzoz, I've eaten there, it's delicious. So you're welcome Austin, I am single-handedly keeping the maggots out of your tacos.

Before

After (and away from the trailer)

What type of ZZ Top fan are you??!

Legs

Sharp Dressed Man

Tush

Anyone who knows Miss Austin knows that she is a lover of the bearded men. I love everything about the Legs video. I think women should only be allowed to wear 80's heels, they are so hot! And what about the girls in sports bras going to the club in the Sharp Dressed Man video?! Amazing. Also, I will give my first born to anyone who can find me that ZZ Top keychain.

I miss music videos.