Rabid Emoticon Texter Exposed!

Wow. Please. Stop. Texting. Me.

Are you serious with all the emoticons? After every single sentence? And did you just refer to going somewhere with me as "social bonding"? Do you think this person even knows that his penis is shrinking with every girly smiley face?

I have this fear when the lights go out he no longer has a human face, just a wide array of exaggerated yellow faces that end up making me cry because I am so terrified as I can't quite decipher which emotion he is trying to convey. 


Stop texting me.


Dealbreaker.

Austin Summer Guide

Welcome to the surface of the sun. I can't believe how hot it has gotten so quickly. Have no fear, I am here to help alleviate the delerium associated with this good ole' Texas heat. Here's some of my advice for these summer months and remember to hydrate with a shot of tequila and a Torchy's fried avocado taco. Have fun. 



THIS...East 6th Street bars, NOT....West 6th Street bars.
Yeesh, I went last weekend to Molotov for a friend's birthday and I was disappointed with the meat selection. All the dudes looked alike! I realize this my personal opinion, but I like my dudes with a sharp tongue and a little dirt on them. Ladies, if you need to get some quick ass, I would hit West 6th St., the ratio is at least 10:1, great odds. Just keep your standards low.

Dudes..THIS...Natural odor, NOT....Cologne.
Yuck. Nothing says, "you can never stay over in my bed" like a mouthful of Drakkar Noir. I prefer the natural state of a man. Granted, I don't want B.O. so potent it makes me nauseous, but I love a little pheromone slipping up my nostril so I know what I'm up against.

THIS...Summer of no bra. NOT....Doubling up on the sports bras.
I am so fucking hot. This 100 degree heat calls for desperate measures. I guess I have to deal with weird stares from the guy at my corner store and my boss not being able to look me in the face, but that shit is worth it. Breathe! See if you can spot me on Town Lake as I am throwing in the towel on doubling up my sports bras. Bring a recorder, that is going to be some free Grade A porn.

THIS....Night swims. NOT....Day swims.
I am in love with midnight swimming. Nothing says summer lovin' like a midnight swim and a cold beer. If you don't have a pool, message me, I have a list of decent pools you could break into around the city.

THIS....Rose wine.  NOT....Bartles & Jaymes Pina Colada.
I am kind of obsessed with Rose and Riesling wines right now. Now, I am no Sommelier but I like to think I know a little about wine. The biggest misconception is that these two varietals are sweet, which is not the case. I am not a fan of many sweet beverages, if any. A drink recipe tip: I love rose and raspberries together. Either drop a few in your glass of wine OR if you're feeling real fancy, follow this recipe:
1 cup of your favorite Rose
10 crushed raspberries
3 tbs lemon juice
2 tbs agave nectar
4 tbs St. Germain elderflower liqueur
Stir and strain in two wine glasses and add a few raspberries for a garnish. THEN, call me so we can have some fun.

THIS....Takoba!.   NOT....Any other Mexican restaurant in town.
My favorite! I love their drinks, I love their food and I love their patio. I am a fan of any Mexican food where it doesn't look like slop on a plate and you don't leave feeling like you ate an elephant. The food here is fresh and tasty (they make homemade tortilla chips, love that), AND, it is in walking distance to East 6th Street bars. Done.

THIS.... Any footwear possible. NOT....The above atrocity.
I really can't stand platform flip flops. They're lazy woman shoes. Nothing says, "I want comfort but it's time to get my Saturday night on" like 4 inch foam flops with rhinestones glued to them. Put on them heels or just stay home.  

THIS....Cake Shake!   NOT....Wendy's Frosty.
Ok, so I'm not being completely honest, I still love a Frosty from Wendy's every now and again, however, I am in love with the Cake Shake at Holy Cacao (1311 South First in the South Austin Trailer Park & Eatery). Excuse me? You are going to grind up pieces of cake with ice cream? Yes, please. Also, I love that they give you fat kid, big straws with your shake so you may suck maximum gulps each try. YES.

New York!

It's about fucking time! I am so happy for all my LGBT friends in the big city and everywhere else. This news made my night last night which is perhaps why I have only brief visions of being on top of a kitchen table in my red boots, and why I am trying to nurse a tequila hangover.

Equality. I am hopeful again.

HUNK OF THE WEEK

Name:  Stan A Rose
Occupation: Yellow Jacket Social Club
Single: No


What is your deal breaker?
Excessive cat keeping, anything high-waisted (with the exception of A-lines), smoking in abundance, weird tans, religious zealotry, excessive make up, uber hipsters, having no idea.


What is your deal maker?
A constitution so paradoxical, it makes for insta-boner, i.e. vegan/hunters, tattooed montessori teachers, etc... Folks that see things for what they are, keep their eye on the ball (even when they strike out), and freckles. Education, readers, finding beauty in the mundane, garter belts, thigh high hosiery, and a general propensity for wagging the middle finger towards established dictum.


Where do you like to hangout?
Yellow Jacket, Liberty, my couch, skate park, alley ways, and mine fields.


I love old music videos, it's a shame they aren't what they used to be. Which old music video would you say speaks to you and why?
The Fix "One thing leads to another", who wouldn't want to be in a psychedelic drain pipe with dobermans?
Huey Lewis and the news "I want a new drug" I watched it the other day, and it's so shitty it's amazing! That suit and the helicopter alone, would make it amazing.


Who do you feel most akin to? Usher? Bruce Springstein? Lyle Lovett? Freddy Fender? Charo? Someone else?
John Wayne; watch "Repo Man", for a detailed explanation.


Anything else we should know about you?
I fucking hate baby corn and bag pipes. Brother to the coyote.

Stan is co-owner of the Yellow Jacket Social Club located at 1704 E. 5th Street.  If you want to check out the hearty man meat above head on over for some great food, good booze and a kickass patio. The YJ is open daily from 11 am - 2 am. Check out their menu here:

http://www.yellowjacketsocialclub.com/

BABE OF THE WEEK

Name: Kristen Klas

Occupation: Paper pusher for The Art Institute

Single?  Nope

Age:  32

What is your deal breaker? 

Guys who constantly have to be the center of attention.  It is sad and pathetic.  I especially hate the guys who have a shtick with their clothing/accessories.  Your corn cob pipe makes you look stupid.

What is your deal maker? 

If you have a good laugh, I will follow you anywhere.

What do you love most about Austin? 

I haven’t been here that long, but I love the seemingly endless possibilities for fun.

Where do you like to hangout? (so Miss Austin fans can stalk you) 

I think it’s left over from my youth, but I love a good house party. Otherwise, give me a great jukebox (at the right volume), cheap drinks, and bartenders who like what they are doing and I will be a happy lady.

I love old music videos, it’s a shame they aren’t what they used to be. Which old music video would you say speaks to you the most and why?  

It has to be ZZ Top’s Legs video.  It’s got everything you need - the hot car, the hot ladies and some great “villains”.  The nerdy girl with big glasses gets a hot makeover, grabs her hero and goes off in the sunset in a dune buggy.  I wanted to be her so bad.  Plus, I had big glasses and some long legs.  The song was meant for me!   

Who do you feel most akin to: Usher? Bruce Springstein? Lyle Lovett? Freddy Fender? Charo? Someone else?  Why?   

I am going with a fictitious character, Sweet Dee from Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia.  She holds her own.

Anything else we should know about you? 

I am a horrible speller. Guess how many times I had to look up the proper spelling in this questionnaire. 

Back Ass Thigh

I feel like I am very honest on Miss Austin, we're all friends here right? Dudes, I am going to let you in on a little lady secret. All women are liars. We all lie through our fucking teeth to get what we want, or to hide secrets we will end up taking to our grave. Trust me, it's better this way, you don't need to know everything I'm doing, you might stab someone or me. Now, the biggest lie of them all is the deception of what a woman's body really looks like. Some broads surprise me by the lengths they are willing to go through to be perceived a certain way. Well, I am guilty as well. Hot tamales are supposed to be curvy and lovely and I'm just trying to keep up with The Lopez's. I think it is only fair for all you to know that my ass isn't really my ass at all. I think I have been doing a pretty good job keeping this up. Not one dude has noticed that my back is my ass is my thigh, it just kind of melts together. I am pretty fucking tricky when I have to get undressed. When the lights go out and I have to climb out of my ass lifter undergarments, shit gets real creative.

So far dudes have been none the wiser to my game and I plan on keeping it that way. You see the key is to create a diversion with the areola's (see previous post) because once I whip out my tit, dudes are frozen. I can pick his wallet, peel off these things, shove them in my purse and make a stout cocktail, no problem. Wait, now that I am thinking about it, maybe I should bust these out in some weird night moves scene. I put on Juice Newton's "Queen of Hearts" and just bend over gingerly to let him see the light. Dudes love the light.


Ladies, you with me? Please tell me I'm right. Dudes, don't think about it too hard, just don't trust vaginas.

Do tits trump everything? I think so.

Titties make the world a better place. Who doesn't love them? I always say, when in doubt whip out a tit. Not only will you lift the spirits of others, but it feels pretty damn good to give that flesh some Vitamin D. And, you can pretty much get whatever you want when your areola makes an appearance. Once, I was feeling so lazy I showed a dude my right breast just to get a PB and J. It was worth every bite.

Dudes, don't insult the tit either, or hurt her feelings, that's a surefire way to have a sad, lonely penis. The worst nickname for breasts I have ever heard was "meat balloons." Sick. I can't even laugh at that.

Cheers to all the ATX titties out there, big and small. It's Saturday night, I might have to accidentally lose my top tonight.

Great rack. I would imagine she could have big gums, little teeth and dudes would never know. No one is looking at her face.

Pobrecita.
However, I must say these look a hell of a lot better than when girls get those horrifying drag queen tits.

Case in point. Yuck.

Ok, I know the veins are a little off-putting, but if I were a dude I would have some fun playing war games with these torpedos. I bet she's fun. Don't change a thing, lady.



Ode to Dad's

Yay for Father's Day!

Thankfully, I don't have daddy issues. I have two great men in my life whom I adore. One being my father, chingao, and the other my older brother (a father of three) who will stab anyone who fucks with me. What I love most about good men like these two is that they take care of the ladies in their life and they aren't lazy. Lazy dudes are the worst. It never fails, whenever I go home to San Antonio my brother ends up washing my car, checking the air pressure and oil while my dad gives me the ever-so-present pep talk about "persistence, hard work, and loyalty, chingao." I love them.

These two clips are for them:

When I was younger, I was dying for my brother to be my best friend. I probably annoyed the shit out of him because I was always in his face (he's five years older than I). This song reminds me of us back then because he introduced me to some great music. I just remember he and I carving Quiet Riot in his desk while listening to "Bang your Head" and my mom losing her shit. 

If you were to mention Freddy Fender around my dad, he will grab your arm and say "C'mon, get down, chingao" and start flapping his elbows dance floor or not. And, you better get down with him too, or there will be hell to pay. I have old memories of my dad at events drinking Chivas on the rocks and smoking Pall Mall's with his buddies, then getting down with my mom on the dance floor while my peanut head just stared at them adoringly. Chingao.

Here's to great men. Hug the great men in your life this weekend. I'm going to play the Texas Tornados on Sunday for my dad just so we can get down again.

It's a sad day for pizza

What a shame. I've had some fun memories at The Parlor. Good friends, good food, and always great music. Tonight they are having their closing party. Come have a beer, jam a slice in your mouth and have some Thursday night fun. Broken Gold, Fleshlights, Ghost Knife and Dead Space are playing. See YOU there.


The Parlor is located at 100 E. North Loop Blvd. C'mon.

Dickdar

I can't teach these things, sorry ladies.

Call it a gift. Call it my calling. Call it whatever you want. I call it the best faculty a lady could possess. It's called my Dickdar. It's like I'm a superhero with a big penis painted on my chest. In any situation, I can envision what a man's penis looks like &/or characteristics of his penis simply by looking at him. I am not saying this keeps me away from the weird and scary man meat out there. Sometimes I might forget about his lumpy, spud dick after a few good jokes and his sweet southern drawl, I'm powerless to those things, but I try to keep it in the forefront at all times. Here's what I mean:


**Disclaimer: Don't think for a second these dudes got any action from this hot tamale.**

Matchy pants. Somehow his penis coordinates with his outfits. He has the cleanest dick out there, no need for a condom.

Dorky dick. Predictable dick. Tries way too hard dick (in a bad way) when it has really no idea what it's doing.

Too sensitive Joe. Small, selfish penis.



"Tx State Royalty". I don't know if I can get through this without pissing myself. Watch your assholes, ladies. This average everything accidentally slips way too often. Drink a 5-Hour Energy before taking this on because you might suddenly acquire bored-to-death induced narcolepsy.



 North Austin dick. Lame. Boring. All head, nothing else. Abnormally large urethra.

Adult contemporary dick. If you put your ear to his dick like a conch, you won't hear the relaxing sounds of the ocean, instead there's a continuous stream of jazz solos with Christian undertones. This dick also spends way too much time in the mirror.