Summer Shower Jams - Let's Fucking Party

Drop the towel, lady.

Guys, I've found a new summertime hobby. It's one that incorporates all of my favorite pastimes: boozin', giggling, chatting, reading, writing, bullshitting, snacking. It keeps me safe and hydrated, and I look pretty good doing it (when, I say I look good, I mean I look ridiculous). Drunk sit-down showers are my summertime jam! I'm not talking about having a nice cold tallboy while lathering up - as fun as that is - no, I'm talking sitting my drunk, stumbling ass in a memaw chair and straight chillin'. Does this mean I'm getting old?

Austin, Texas!

What an electric night in Austin, I hope you all felt it, I hope you are STILL feeling it! I am proud to stand with Texas women and their supporters for what's right. We have some new heroes in our little city, but the people who stayed and yelled and made their voice heard, really warms my heart. YOU did it.

Thank you to Wendy Davis and everyone who stood up for women's health. This is just the beginning, I have a feeling the next time we will be louder and even stronger. Let your voice be heard!  #standwithtexaswomen

I love you, Austin.

102 Free Tattoos!

My pals over at Sailor Jerry are throwing a tattoo party to commemorate the life of Norman "Sailor Jerry" Collins by giving out 102 free tattoos! Recognized as Sailor Jerry Day, June 12th is the date Collins passed away in 1973. If Collins were alive today, he would be turning 102 years old. The lovely folks at Keith Underwood's Austin Tattoo Company will be permanently branding your skin with one of Sailor Jerry's original flash designs - swallow, shark, anchor, cherry, or a nautical star. Your tattoo will be decided by your toss at the dart board below. Bullseye is your choice, dudes.

Are You on the Localeur Tip?

Well, you are now. I just joined the Localeur team and I'm stoked! I will be bringing you the goods, as I see it (wink), for us locals, and for our friends who come visit; gotta love those friends. Localeur is a curated group of people in Austin who give recommendations on what to check out and what to avoid in our lovely city. Austin is the first city to have this little gem of a resource, with many more Localeur sites to come throughout the country. Localeur Houston is starting up next week, so peep that if you need some pointers while in H-town.

Hey, it's Memorial Day, and I just wrote my first piece: 4 Bars Where I Want to Hit on the Bartenders. How could you go throughout your holiday without this golden information? If I get any of you laid, or even a titty flash, hit me up because you owe me a beer.

Check it out, and check out some of the other recommendations. There's some good stuff on there.

The End is Really Fucking Nigh

What are you guys listening to today? I am so stoked on the new Queens of the Stone Age album, I can't stop listening to it. I'm especially digging these animated shorts, they're pretty mesmerizing. I know they are coming to ACL this year, which is cool and all, but I would prefer to see them at a venue like the Mohawk or the Red 7, right? Not next to some Noodler in Teva's who just jammed out to String Cheese something-or-other with his sweaty hoola-huping girlfriend in fairy wings, you know? That is some buzzkill shit. And, put some shoes on, Noodler!

Summer 2013 - Underboob Cleavage or Bust

Is it just me or do you find it incredibly provocative and a little exhilarating when you spot a lady with underboob cleavage? I kind of wish all ladies would chop off their blouse's and T's at the rib cage and just let it bounce out. I'm so over the standard, run-of-the-mill cleavage (can't trust it!). All that predictable flesh being forced in my face. That pushy sternum and her annoying chest bones. No. I want to tilt my head slightly and check out a lady properly; check her out where it matters, where the heat is, where you can see her fertility potential and nurturing abilities. Am I right, dudes? And, how about in swimsuits? I am so into a little slice of woman-flesh peeking out from the bottom of a bikini top. HOT. That's it, I'm saying it and I mean it: The summer of 2013 is all about the underboob cleavage. Get up on it, ladies!

Don't Stand Behind Me

What are you doing Friday evening? Well, you shouldn't stand behind me because my drunk-ass will be launching a hatchet across the patio at the Buzzmill's First Annual Jamboree! Is there anything more terrifying than a bunch of tipsy-turvy knuckleheads tossing a hatchet while jamming a flapjack in their mouth? When I say terrifying, I mean RADICAL and pretty much my ideal Friday night.

I am crushing so hard on the Buzzmill right now. He's a hot, sweaty coffee man by day, and a tall frothy fresh pour of a mug at night. There's a hint of cigarette smoke and cedar around his collar, he's got rough man-hands, and he's there 24 hours a day. You feelin' me?

Come on by tomorrow, we can feed each other beef jerky, and get the growler hiccups! Check the Buzzmill's Facebook page for updates and info on signing up for the contests. The Builders and Butchers are playing at 8:00 pm. See you there!

I've Been Immortalized

Today is one of those days. The weather is perfect, my morning coffee is just right, I'm not hungover, and I just got five drawings in the mail from the lead singer of Valient Thorr, Valient Himself! I commissioned Valient Himself to create some portraits of me for Miss Austin, and his results are pretty spot-on. One of the raddest dudes in metal, in one of the raddest bands in metal, is pushing his art through so many avenues, it's exciting to keep up with. He sells his drawings here, Valient Thorr has a new album coming out in June - Our Own Masters - along with a summer tour, and he mans Valient's Vlogg where he reviews bad/awesome flixxx. Man, I thought I was hustlin'! This dude is my hero.

Check out the goods:

Miss Austin as Venus

You can see more of his drawings here. Dudes, there is an Ultimate Warrior and a Macho Man Randy Savage drawing on his Etsy store page. I am not kidding. 

Thank you, Valient Himself! See you in Austin this summer!

Friday....CHOP!

I have some fun things brewing over here, more to come next week....stay tuned!
Teasers: a metal dude is bringing some action to Miss Austin, and I'm giving my picks for a certain neighborhood in our lovely city. Soon, my pretties, very soon.

It's Friday, and I feel like I'm in charge. I AM IN CHARGE.

Coachella - Are There Even Any Bands Playing?

...the fuck?                                                     (Image courtesy of LAist)

Where's the music? Where are the fans getting nutty in the crowd? Why the hell is the Coachella coverage all about flower headbands, celebrities, and fringed crop tops? And, what the fuck is with all the grown-ups dressed as fairies? Am I alone here, or do you think grown women dressed up like fairies is some cry-for-help shit? These fairies aren't even the magical, fairy dust leaving, snort some glitter, leave a $20 under your pillow kind of fairies, these are some mall fairies living in West Hollywood. Give me music, not fairies! Fucking L.A.

This festival makes me miss the shit out of Fun Fun Fun Fest.


**Update: I just saw photos of dudes starting to wear flower headbands. HAHAHA.