Show Me Your FUN FUN FUN!

I'm hydrating right now, been doing so all week. I've stockpiled my fridge with Pedialyte and melons - melons just sound like a good idea. I've been doing the Huey Lewis "I Want a New Drug" dunking of my face in ice cold water, AND I've been doing 10 push-ups every morning (ok, more like 4, but whatever) to get my bod prepared for the fucking mayhem that is Fun Fun Fun Fest, and I think I'm goddamn ready. This Friday it is ON. Miss Austin, Volcomunity, and Volcom are going to feel each other up so hard this weekend, you have to come by our booth for some inappropriate fun.

Every day at the Fest there is going to be an Instagram contest with Miss Austin and Volcom (@missaustintexas, @volcomentertainment) at the Volcom booth. For Miss Austin, I want you to show me your fucking FUN! I wanna see your boozin', dancin', twerkin', and nipple pinchin'. Hashtag your photos at the Fest with #MissaustinFFF and I will be picking one person each day to win some Miss Austin and Volcom goodies. I want to see you people bring it!

For Volcom, come by the booth and get a limited edition screen printed T-shirt, Instagram your T-shirt and hashtag #VolcomFFF to be automatically entered in a random drawing to win a subscription to the 2013 Volcom Ent. Vinyl Club! One lucky winner will be chosen each day of the festival. RAD! We will be screening these two Scratchy designs:

I will have my Hunk and Babe hat on as well, snapping photos of all the man meat out there, and hot lady stems. Check the blog, Instagram, and Volcomunity for updates and recaps each day.

If you haven't planned out your music loving day yet, and I know there are a ton of bands who are must see's, here's what's up with our Volcom homies:

Friday
2:15-2:55 Torche -Black Stage
3:15 Torche - autograph signing Waterloo booth

Saturday
4:00- 4:40 Riverboat Gamblers -Black Stage

Sunday
3:35- 4:15 Valient Thorr -Black Stage
4:45 Valient Thorr - autograph signing Waterloo booth
6:30 Turbonegro - autograph signing Waterloo booth
8:50-9:50  Turbonegro -Black Stage

Ride your bike, take the bus, walk it, just don't drive. You don't want some pesky ticket or tow job killing your buzz. And, don't go too hard at noon so you're a drunk mess come the X or Run DMC show, seriously. Pace yourself.

See you at the Fest! We'll be crushin' beer cans by the Black Stage, come say HI!

Hunk and Babe of the Week - Couples Edition!

It's that time! It's rare I pick a twosome to represent the Hunk and Babe of the Week, but these two are so irresistible, they got me right where is feels good. Two great people, equally adorable, individually creative, and partners in crime. AND, they just got hitched. She is Autumn Spadaro-Cali, top-bitch photographer. He is Rich Cali, musician/painter. Together, they make a sweet, sweet couple, and help comprise hugely popular Common House (along with Adam Mendez, Conner O'Leary, Will Gaynor, Mike Combs, and Patrick Lillard).  He is also 1/3 of Volcom's own, Broken Gold.

Brown 8's

 

The resemblance is uncanny, right? "Look at the brown 8's on her!" [whistle, whistle] I'm a fan of the complex emoticon, huge fan actually, the more convoluted, the better. This is a self-portrait, and the official Miss Austin emoticon. If you follow me on Twitter, Instagram (both @missaustintexas) then send me a Brown 8 shout-out! I'll probably send you a more complex emoticon in return. If you have my actual digits, then lucky you will get some dirty ass combinations.

Are my eyes as big as my tits, or are my tits the size of my eyes? Who knows! One of these statements is accurate.

Throwback Thursday - When Mexicans Dress Up

 

That's me on the right.

Welcome to my life. This is a photo of my sister and I on Western Day in elementary school, year unknown, sometime in the early 80's. Check out my short/long arms! Are they too short or too long? I can't tell, that starched button-up is deceiving. I'm also going to give a shout-out to my eyelids. Apparently, I had a hard time keeping my eyes open in photos around this age.
"Cheeeeese!"
Lids drop.

I will say that my legs are oddly the same size today as they were in this photo, I still have those boots, and why the hell did my mother hike up my sister's pants like that? Lo siento, Sister.

Currently, I'm trying to find the photo when we dressed up like The Dude and The Sheriff from Rio Bravo, courtesy of my father's love of John Wayne. Save for next time!

That's What's Up

Fall is here, and I have some shit-a-brewin'. I have been busy working on a few upcoming projects, more info to come. I hate to leave you hanging and all, but that is just how it has to be for now, ok? Don't look at me like that. Here are some teasers/hints.

I sit on light sensitive paper. I will show all of you come 2013.

 

 

 

Photo cred: David Yellen

Bring the noise for Fun Fun Fun Fest! I'm coming for you, Hunks. Let's shotgun a beer and take questionable photos.

 

Photo cred: David Yellen

This is not only going to be my Fun Fun Fun Fest outfit for Saturday, but I'll also be trolling for hot Babes just like her for Miss Austin and Volcomunity blogs. FFF photos!

 

 

 

 

 

Volcom will have a strong presence at FFF Fest this year - Turbonegro, Valient Thorr, Riverboat Gamblers, and Torche! We will have a fucking raging party going on at the Volcom tent with lots of giveaways, booze, and contests. Come give me a drunk smooch. More info coming...

 

 

It really wouldn't be the holiday season without my drunk Uncle Tio making an appearance. We'll be seeing each other a few times at upcoming functions (!baila esta cumbia!), maybe he'll ask me to put on a wet T-shirt again!

[fingers crossed]

One more thing, BIG UPS to Keep Austin Generous, and the other sponsors for bringing back the Trail of Lights this year. KAG is also working on a nice twist at the end of the trail to incorporate local non-profits. Love that. And, don't forget to check out the Transmission Entertainment page for what's shaking at the Mohawk and Red 7 this Fall.


See, that's what's up!

Happy Anniversary, Common House!

 

 

Tonight, let' get it on! It's the one year anniversary of Common House (!), and the release party for the 3rd issue of Karate Foot, a zine by Shaun Mefford, Shawn Rylander, and a bunch of other drunk skaters. Come have some booze, make-out in the bathroom, drop your pants, whatever. It's going down from 6-9 pm tonight. See you there!

 

 

One Napkin?

You know, of the mountain of knowledge and high-handed opinions housed in my big head under my big wig, there are a few things I'm certain of. Hunks and Babes are a given, I was appointed an expert on that many moons ago. What else? Who can forget my Dickdar? That's a gift. What else? Well, I believe vegetarians to be bad in bed. Hear me out...

It's true. There are two kinds of vegetarians: Fat Veggies and Neat Veggies, you can't be both. Fat Veggies are skinny-fat people who walk on the treadmill at the slowest possible speed on a steep incline, hanging on the top handle bar for support as to ensure there isn't a whole lot of actual working-out happening. French fries, fried zuchini, and ranch dressing are all staples in this diet. There's a thin layer of peanut oil on their skin, and their breath is like rancid Lipton tea.

Neat Veggies, on the other hand, are killing the environment with all their mini plastic snack bags filled with baby carrots. Don't you feel like Neat Veggies are scared to use more than one napkin? I don't trust any man who only uses one napkin during a meal. You get your face in that dinner plate and go for it. I want to see the same effort in bed. I actually have a napkin dispenser on my night stand that I stole from Fran's.

Think about it, both are a shit show in bed. Who wants some greasy french fry sliding up and down them messing up their sheets? No one. Who wants some moist towelette motherfucker trying to get all nasty in bed with his soft hands? He just chopped his carrots, now he's brushing his teeth with some chalk toothpaste. No, thank you.

I will say that vegans do not apply to this rule. Vegans are just as dirty in bed as meat-eaters. This is because vegans aren't lazy, and most are a bit wacky. It takes a lot of thought and planning to follow a vegan diet. This same effort is applied in bed. The attention to detail is met, there are plenty of swipes coming from the Fran's napkin dispenser, and home dude has a great attitude. I can dig it.

If I said it once, I've said it a thousand times, give me MEAT. If I can't get meat, then give me a wacky vegan.

This is my introduction to Austin Restaurant Week. Let's eat!

PRIDE 2012

I'm here, I'm queer! Austin Pride is here! Bevo is shitting glitter all over the city this weekend and I love it. Let's dance! Let' face it, we're all pretty queer in one way or another. I love my LGBTAPUI friends (that's lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, asexual, polyamorous, unsure, and intersex). I can identify, and I support you. Check out the events page here. Peaches will be DJing, there's a 5K run tomorrow morning, official festival at Fiesta Gardens, and the parade to boot tomorrow evening. So much attitude, and more drag queens you can shake a stick at.

A note to the organizers of Austin Pride - I'm kind of bummed I wasn't crowned Miss Gay Austin. I feel like I was born for that role. How do I get in on that next year?? I have huge tits, lots of hair, and a smart mouth. Doesn't that count for anything? Call me.

See you at the parade!!

Does This Mean No More Steak?

We're trying something new over here on Miss Austin - sports! We'll be posting a weekly what's what in sports, so check it out. This will not be exclusive to UT Football, we will cover everything from jai alai, to cricket, to bowling. I'm not exactly sure what that means, but there will be a dickton of sports talk.

I don't know about you but I am kind of worried at the thought of our beloved Vince Young Steakhouse going under with the news of his impending bankruptcy. Where will I get my meat?! Where will I go on special occasions? My birthday's shot to shit. Apparently, Vince Young allegedly has gone through his $26 million dollar deal with the Tennessee Titans (after taxes, bitches). The punchline in it all is there are reports he spent huge chunks of change at TGI Friday's (hilarious), Cheesecake Factory (crying), and on complete bullshit like booze (yes!) and travel (ok). No judgement, except for the TGI Friday's and Cheesecake Factory. C'mon. If I ever were to spend $5,000 a week at the Cheesecake Factory, I'd better be fat as fuck. I would want people to know I blew millions on chicken fingers and chocolate turtle cheesecake. Fat as FUCK.

I'm not too worried about Vince, he'll bounce back, get a few more millions, impregnate some ladies, bust out a few more illegitimate kids, eat some cheesecake, and relax in his Houston mansion. What I am worried about is The Steakhouse. Please don't take that away from me, or Austin. It's like an institution, a beacon of hope and promise, an homage to one of the great local success stories. Please don't take it from me.

**I was kidding when I said we were going to do a weekly sports segment. There's no fun in that.

The Mexican Holy Trinity is Complete

Don't you just love when you meet a family member for the first time you never knew existed? Is this just Mexican specific? Ok, it probably is, we have a dickton of relatives scattered about. I know you all know about my charming Uncle Tio and his thoughtful ways, well this past weekend I had the pleasure of meeting a new cousin - thrice removed on my father's side - named, and I am not joking, Petho Mahon. This, unfortunately, is not his given name, his real name is Raul Martinez, some neighborhood kids gave him the nickname. Petho is now 90 years old. Apparently, the tale goes Petho used to wash his dishes in the bathtub with him every night. He would just sit and multitask with his washcloth. Don't act like you haven't done shit like this before. It's kind of like brushing your teeth and combing your hair at the same time. Petho was a little odd, aren't we all?  Because of this, the neighborhood kids came up with this juvenile name, Petho Mahon, to tease him which literally means fart shit. It makes no sense, I know. It's Spanish slang, so don't go using this in real time situations when referring to the after effects of the Tamale House.

Legend has it Petho would sit outside on his porch every night before bathing/doing dishes, eating his mango, drinking a Bud while the neighborhood kids would cruise by on their bikes making fart noises, screaming "Petho Mahon, Petho Mahon" obnoxiously over and over like kids do. My father said Petho was such a sweet man, he would just wave his little mango hand to the little shits causing a stir in the streets, never getting upset. When I met Petho this weekend I told my father we had to bring him to Austin so I could complete the Holy Trinity - Me, Uncle Tio, and Petho Mahon. The three of us are going to drink this town dry, all under $5. Here we are:

 

Miss Motherfuckin' Austin

 

Petho Mahon

Uncle Tio

 

Look for us this weekend on Rainey Street, and in November at Fun Fun Fun Fest.