Pues, It's The Frontyardigans

I love my people. What's the theme for another day in Mexican paradise? Fuck it, that's what. Oh, it's hotter than a motherfucker and the kids want to swim in the kiddy pool in their Pampers? Well, inflate that shit on the sidewalk in the front yard. Fuck it. Pues, the Cowboys are playing AND I have to watch the kids in the kiddie pool? Push that BIG screen television outside in the front yard and let's fire up the grill! Fuck it. Abuelita is coming over and she can only nap in her Lazy Boy, pues push that shit out so she can drink a Bud Light and eat a Mexican hot dog (weenie wrapped in a tortilla). Fuck it.

Why do Mexicans put everything in the front yard? Lawn chairs, grill, sofas, televisions, change of clothes, you name it, it's out there. I remember being a little mocha drop going over to my Uncle Tio's, he straight up tossed two cinder blocks in the front yard and a 2x4.
"Pues, make a bench."
I did just that. Eight year old me juggling my Mexican hot dog, struggling to make a bench. I remember my mom got pissed.

I think Austin Monthly Home magazine should do a special Mexican curb appeal edition? Fuck it.

Wet Hot Taco Body Summer

I have a gift. No, I'm not referring to my Dickdar, or my ability to pick a Hunk or Babe from across the room, or even my stupid human trick with tequila (XXX), I am referring to the gift of eyeballing one's body type with what they had for dinner. I know every bite you cram in your big mouth, no joke. I know it all. Since we are approaching swimsuit season, I thought we could have some fun with the Taco Bodies running around. Texans love their Tex-Mex, and God bless you for it. But you have to balance that shit out. If you're gonna have the #1 Combo every time you go out to eat, you're going have to get a turtleneck swimsuit, or those huge industrial strength clamps found at Home Depot to pull your shit back tight and clamp it from behind. This is what I know.

Not too bad. This yellow skirt says three crispy tacos instead of two, with a side of sour cream. Girl, you know sour cream is what killed it. Always stop at sour cream. Sour cream is the difference between a booty bounce and a booty lift. That's sound advice.

"No, I'm not fucking pregnant, I just had the mole combo enchilada dinner." Mole is not for amateurs. You have to have at least 3/4 Mexican in you to tackle mole. This white girl had a death wish. She can't even get up out of fear of what might happen to the poor beach if she does. Look, even her skin is turning a strange color around her belly button. I have no sympathy.

"I love Mexican food, no really, I do."

"Ceviche and a to-go box please". Rule - if you go out to eat with a lady with exposed bones, and all she wants to eat is raw fish, you've made your bed. I can't help you.  

"Yeah, I want three motherfuckin' enchiladas and I look fucking good." Yes, you do. I love it. And, you know what? I give her credit for buying American. There's no way strings made in China could support that massive northern and southern flesh. I also like the hands out lady prance on the beach, that's slimming. Ladies, walk like an exaggerated damsel in distress, you'll instantly look 10 lbs. lighter.

Love, True Love

I think I found a keeper! I am pleased to announce my new partnership with Volcom! I will be guest blogging with them regularly on Volcomunity, sharing my loud mouth sensibility, love for all things Austin, music, art, and of course, bringing the funnies.

Just know, to all the future Hunk's and Babe's in the ATX, your mug will be all over my shit and Volcom's shit, no pressure. Bring the pretty, seriously. And, to all the past Hunk's and Babe's, I still love you, you know this. Your pretty lil face might make a cameo too. I have some other fun ideas in the works to be blasted all over. Please don't refuse my camera if I aim it at you, you'll regret it. 
 
Check out my first post here.


Thanks to the lovely ladies at Volcom for making this coconut's day.

XO

It's a Great Friday on Good Friday

Easter is the most sacred holiday, and I am a firm believer in that bunny. I believe in biting the head off a chocolate hollow bunny and chewing on those beady yellow eyes, I believe in brunch and mimosas, and I certainly believe in petting baby animals while chewing on beady yellow eyes. The Yellow Jacket Social Club is having a fantastic Easter party on Sunday. There will be bingo hosted by Mike Wiebe, pink champagne, a new brunch menu, and a baby petting zoo! I can't handle all that cuteness! I'm so excited, I might squeeze a baby chick too tight and kill it like Lennie.

Be sure to wear your Sunday's best because you're going to have to out-cute the baby animals. Good luck. Also, baby bunny shit will look so much cooler on your pink dress than some raggedy, old Ozzy t-shirt.

Bring your camera, let's make memories. See you there!



Feed Me!

I love this time of year. If you haven't been out to experience Austin Restaurant Week, go! There are only a few more days left. If you aren't familiar, select restaurants throughout Austin participate with a select prix fixe menu prepared specifically for the event. It's an affordable, 3-4 courses, $11 or $16 lunch; $26 or $36 dinner. This is a great opportunity to try those restaurants you've been dying to try, but just haven't made it, or are feeling a bit adventurous with food. Get it. Here are a few of my picks:

LUNCH:
Trace (200 Lavaca St. in the W Hotel) - Mini lamb burgers!
Roll On Sushi Diner (5350 Burnet Rd.) - $11 sushi lunch, 2 apps and a sushi roll.
If you're in the downtown area, I'd hit up 1886 Cafe & Bakery in the Driskill Hotel to get the Hangover Burger. That sounds like a delicious heart attack.

DINNER:
Paggi House (200 Lee Barton Dr.) - This is a must. Braised pork belly with an apple-cider gastrique, fava bean risotto, or tea brined duck breast with a foie gras jus? YES.
Olivia got me at homemade rocky road ice cream.
Foreign & Domestic's papperdelle with fresh truffle butter sounds like love at first sight.
Haddington's has a cauliflower steak that looks chomp-worthy.
Obviously, Uchi and Uchiko will have an amazing menu, your problem will be getting a table. Although, if you don't mind eating like an AARP member, you can probably get a dinner reservation at 5:00 pm.

Move over because I'm elbowing my way to the front of the line. Every line. At the end of the month, it's going down at Auditorium Shores. Tickets are a bit pricier, but worth all the activities, tastings, and demos. I went to the Foxwoods Food and Wine Festival in Connecticut and it was so much fun. Since our little city is on the culinary map now with Paul Qui winning Top Chef, I would expect tons of special guests at this event.

http://www.austinfoodandwinefestival.com/

We all know that Uchiko is THE place right now. Yes, everything is amazing, but one thing I have yet to try is the Uchiko Food + Wine Project. The first Sunday of every month, they pair seven courses with wine for $75. What's great is this menu includes specialty items not seen on their regular dinner menu. Dinner is at 7:00 pm, and if you arrive by 6:45 you receive a complimentary beverage. For the quality and service, this seems like bargain basement prices to me, I love it. Dudes, if you care to impress a lady, this is it. Dome light worthy.


All of this delicious food talk just made my lunch salad look really pathetic. Send me feedback on your food excursions, I live for that shit.