The End is Really Fucking Nigh

What are you guys listening to today? I am so stoked on the new Queens of the Stone Age album, I can't stop listening to it. I'm especially digging these animated shorts, they're pretty mesmerizing. I know they are coming to ACL this year, which is cool and all, but I would prefer to see them at a venue like the Mohawk or the Red 7, right? Not next to some Noodler in Teva's who just jammed out to String Cheese something-or-other with his sweaty hoola-huping girlfriend in fairy wings, you know? That is some buzzkill shit. And, put some shoes on, Noodler!

So, this is my plea to QOTSA and my favorite Austin venues: play a show in Austin where the sound will reverberate off the walls and off my Lone Star tallboy; where I won't get hit in the hip by a nooding Noodler; where I can stumble into a shitty bathroom and still hear your beautiful sounds as I am trying to not contract hepatitis in some stall with a Miss Austin sticker in it. Can we do this, please? Thank you and I love you. I mean it.

Their album comes out on June 4th. Buy it, don't be a jerk, support music you like.

Summer 2013 - Underboob Cleavage or Bust

Is it just me or do you find it incredibly provocative and a little exhilarating when you spot a lady with underboob cleavage? I kind of wish all ladies would chop off their blouse's and T's at the rib cage and just let it bounce out. I'm so over the standard, run-of-the-mill cleavage (can't trust it!). All that predictable flesh being forced in my face. That pushy sternum and her annoying chest bones. No. I want to tilt my head slightly and check out a lady properly; check her out where it matters, where the heat is, where you can see her fertility potential and nurturing abilities. Am I right, dudes? And, how about in swimsuits? I am so into a little slice of woman-flesh peeking out from the bottom of a bikini top. HOT. That's it, I'm saying it and I mean it: The summer of 2013 is all about the underboob cleavage. Get up on it, ladies!

Since I made this declarative statement, I decided to chop off all my T-shirts! Who means what she says?
THIS ONE.

Miss Austin Tip:  Make sure you slather sunscreen on the bottom of your hams. Shit can get weird, if not.

Don't Stand Behind Me

What are you doing Friday evening? Well, you shouldn't stand behind me because my drunk-ass will be launching a hatchet across the patio at the Buzzmill's First Annual Jamboree! Is there anything more terrifying than a bunch of tipsy-turvy knuckleheads tossing a hatchet while jamming a flapjack in their mouth? When I say terrifying, I mean RADICAL and pretty much my ideal Friday night.

I am crushing so hard on the Buzzmill right now. He's a hot, sweaty coffee man by day, and a tall frothy fresh pour of a mug at night. There's a hint of cigarette smoke and cedar around his collar, he's got rough man-hands, and he's there 24 hours a day. You feelin' me?

Come on by tomorrow, we can feed each other beef jerky, and get the growler hiccups! Check the Buzzmill's Facebook page for updates and info on signing up for the contests. The Builders and Butchers are playing at 8:00 pm. See you there!

I've Been Immortalized

Today is one of those days. The weather is perfect, my morning coffee is just right, I'm not hungover, and I just got five drawings in the mail from the lead singer of Valient Thorr, Valient Himself! I commissioned Valient Himself to create some portraits of me for Miss Austin, and his results are pretty spot-on. One of the raddest dudes in metal, in one of the raddest bands in metal, is pushing his art through so many avenues, it's exciting to keep up with. He sells his drawings here, Valient Thorr has a new album coming out in June - Our Own Masters - along with a summer tour, and he mans Valient's Vlogg where he reviews bad/awesome flixxx. Man, I thought I was hustlin'! This dude is my hero.

Check out the goods:

Miss Austin as Venus

You can see more of his drawings here. Dudes, there is an Ultimate Warrior and a Macho Man Randy Savage drawing on his Etsy store page. I am not kidding. 

Thank you, Valient Himself! See you in Austin this summer!

Friday....CHOP!

I have some fun things brewing over here, more to come next week....stay tuned!
Teasers: a metal dude is bringing some action to Miss Austin, and I'm giving my picks for a certain neighborhood in our lovely city. Soon, my pretties, very soon.

It's Friday, and I feel like I'm in charge. I AM IN CHARGE.

Coachella - Are There Even Any Bands Playing?

...the fuck?                                                     (Image courtesy of LAist)

Where's the music? Where are the fans getting nutty in the crowd? Why the hell is the Coachella coverage all about flower headbands, celebrities, and fringed crop tops? And, what the fuck is with all the grown-ups dressed as fairies? Am I alone here, or do you think grown women dressed up like fairies is some cry-for-help shit? These fairies aren't even the magical, fairy dust leaving, snort some glitter, leave a $20 under your pillow kind of fairies, these are some mall fairies living in West Hollywood. Give me music, not fairies! Fucking L.A.

This festival makes me miss the shit out of Fun Fun Fun Fest.


**Update: I just saw photos of dudes starting to wear flower headbands. HAHAHA.

Solid Gold & Busy Being - Dranks and Thangs

Solid Gold and Busy-Being (1601 E. 6th Street) know how to throw a fucking party. This Thursday, April 4th they are having their grand opening party and you should go because, well, I mean, not only does this shop have some bitchin' lady finds (love their jewelry), but a little known Austin homie is playing - Tim Kerr! Holy shit, Tim Kerr is going to be playing with some friends on the corner of E. 5th & Comal, no big deal.

Busy Being, Solid Gold, vodka, and Tim Kerr on a beautiful spring evening with friends, I could shed a real tear. Congrats, ladies!

See you there!!

Austin - Making it the Most Ideal City One Campfire at a Time

Cue a sensual bass line...

This little number goes out to all the women after me. I'm dedicating this with an R. Kelly finger kiss to the sky and a slight sentimental head tilt. Ladies in Austin, San Antonio, Denton, and New York City - all the places I've lived - you're welcome. Why? Because throughout time, I've obeyed the rule, the rule that should be on your mind when you unsnap that brassiere. The rule that commands the respect of all woman and mankind - leave the campfire better than you found it. This is a rule we all need to abide, and I do it with pride. You are getting it good because of me, and I am getting it better because of you. Look at our vaginas high-fiving each other! Man, we are curing global issues here.

This sort of kindness is what makes for ideal living. Can we agree that Austin is the raddest place to live? Yes, we can. Can you imagine if everyone in our little city was a 10 in bed? Holy shit! Now, if you are not participating in the camp fire rule, you need to get the fuck out of Austin. I will not have you. You need to go to Dallas or Midland or some shit where mediocrity and lazy fucking is accepted. Let's all shotgun a Lonestar, and shake on it that we are all going to coach a dude or lady when he or she goes astray, ok? Bad kissers be gone, mousy lays be gone, bad blowies be gone. All GONE.

Now, this isn't just a chest bump to the keepers of the fire, but also the Boy Scouts who are so willing to learn. You get a new fleshlight patch for being part of the team, and passing your new skills along. Way to be! I will say, let's be reminded to leave your ego deep in the woods, don't get offended when someone gives you a tap on the shoulder. No, give them a wink and a eskimo kiss for their thoughtfulness and caring about Austin so much.  Deal? Deal.

Can we pass this message along to all? If I need to take out a page in the Statesman to teach some uptighters, then so be it. Hey, let's even include North Austin. If you live north of 183, you are part of the team too. Let's not let highways divide us. Let's all participate in the camp fire rule even if you're kicking it at Chuy's North.

Camping is fun.