Wet Hot Taco Body Summer

I have a gift. No, I'm not referring to my Dickdar, or my ability to pick a Hunk or Babe from across the room, or even my stupid human trick with tequila (XXX), I am referring to the gift of eyeballing one's body type with what they had for dinner. I know every bite you cram in your big mouth, no joke. I know it all. Since we are approaching swimsuit season, I thought we could have some fun with the Taco Bodies running around. Texans love their Tex-Mex, and God bless you for it. But you have to balance that shit out. If you're gonna have the #1 Combo every time you go out to eat, you're going have to get a turtleneck swimsuit, or those huge industrial strength clamps found at Home Depot to pull your shit back tight and clamp it from behind. This is what I know.

Not too bad. This yellow skirt says three crispy tacos instead of two, with a side of sour cream. Girl, you know sour cream is what killed it. Always stop at sour cream. Sour cream is the difference between a booty bounce and a booty lift. That's sound advice.

"No, I'm not fucking pregnant, I just had the mole combo enchilada dinner." Mole is not for amateurs. You have to have at least 3/4 Mexican in you to tackle mole. This white girl had a death wish. She can't even get up out of fear of what might happen to the poor beach if she does. Look, even her skin is turning a strange color around her belly button. I have no sympathy.

"I love Mexican food, no really, I do."

"Ceviche and a to-go box please". Rule - if you go out to eat with a lady with exposed bones, and all she wants to eat is raw fish, you've made your bed. I can't help you.  

"Yeah, I want three motherfuckin' enchiladas and I look fucking good." Yes, you do. I love it. And, you know what? I give her credit for buying American. There's no way strings made in China could support that massive northern and southern flesh. I also like the hands out lady prance on the beach, that's slimming. Ladies, walk like an exaggerated damsel in distress, you'll instantly look 10 lbs. lighter.