I am boycotting the holidays next year. I'm going to a beach and not looking back. Uncle Tio gave me a Christmas to remember. During our family gift exchange Uncle Uncle presented me with a Ben Sherman box. Ok, usually men's wear, Uncle, but maybe it's some sort of unisex scarf or something. I'm going with it. I open the box and it's a white T-shirt with men's asses screen printed on it. I actually really like it, a bit creeped out by the thought behind it, but ok. Then he takes the cake and says, "You have to put it on."
"Ok"
"Wet."
Froze.
"What was that?"
He passes out.
I'm boycotting the holidays next year.
This lovely gentleman is not actually Uncle Uncle, but he might be the future Mr. Austin.
I was thinking about the holidays and my drunk Uncle Tio today. I never knew why we called him Uncle Uncle growing up, but now I know it's because he is a fucking drunk, inappropriate, hilarious mess. I'm heading to San Antonio this weekend to spend that quality time with my family, Uncle Tio will be there. One of Uncle Tio's fun tricks is that he has alcohol induced narcolepsy. Yes, he has fallen asleep standing up mid-conversation, in the bathroom, at the dinner table, and dressed up as Santa. This only happens when he downs the sauce. I love him. The best is that he diagnosed himself and is now taking medication to cure his disorder. He gulps down some ephedra-type pills with his scotch and he fucking parties. We have a Christmas party every year, and last Christmas my father had to put him in a cab back to his hotel as he was getting a little too friendly with some ladies, then passing out while standing talking to some family friends.
I heard my father say, "Tio, you're not a playboy any more, tone it down, chingao." Oh, shit! A playboy?! Uncle Uncle used to pull some wool back in his day? I guess I can kind of see it. He was a hot piece of man meat before the dependency problem. And, I guess it would be kind of cool to have a some dude pass out and you could just push him out of the car, or just leave him altogether. Easy.
Feliz Navidad, people. From me and Uncle Uncle.
XO
I woke up this morning and realized my Sunday had mirrored Huey Lewis in the "I Want a New Drug" video. I stumbled out of bed, dunked my hungover head in a sink of ice water (refreshing), ran out the door still getting dressed, creepily checked out a piece of man meat on a bike, raised my eyebrows up and down a few times, paired with an awkward wink (I got nothing in return). Throughout my day so far, I've been giving the thumbs up to sales clerks, and walking with choreographed steps in tune with that familiar saxophone beat. I've seen that bicycle dude before, quite a few times now, when I see him again I'm going to sing in his face real close, raise my eyebrows up and down again rapidly, and just go right at him with an open mouth, hoping he catches it. C'mon, dude, just catch it. You'll like it, I promise.
Tonight! I am really looking forward to this. Come over to the 29th Street Ballroom for a great event benefiting Austin Pets Alive. I Wanna Be Your Dog II is going to be jam packed with music, food, a silent auction, a photo booth (with Iggy Santa), and a doggy pageant!
Playing the lovely tunes of Iggy Pop & The Stooges are members of:
Elvis Curtis James & Grape Street
Cause for Applause
The Fleshlights
John Wesley Coleman
Foreign Mothers
Sweat Lodge
The Midwives
Bad Lovers
Dead SpaceAnd more...
Silent auction with some items donated from (just to name a few):
Neu Skin
Moss Designer Consignment
Laced With Romance
Tiff's Treats
Freebirds World Burrito
Stag
Musashino Sushi
Riverboat Gamblers
Neiman Marcus
Transmission Entertainment
And many more...
They will also be raffling off two wristbands for SXSW 2012! Shit, people, come on over. There will be food donated by Frank from 8:00 pm until they run out.
You think you have the hottest bitch in town? Well bring him or her because there will be a dog pageant crowning Mr. and Miss I Wanna Be Your Dog, hosted by Mike Wiebe.
There is so much going on here tonight, but more importantly, ALL benefits will go to Austin Pets Alive and their efforts to make Austin a NO KILL city. Bring it, and bring your pocketbooks.
The Couch crotches: Kyle Robarge, Taylor Wilkins, Jud Johnson. Not pictured: Sara Houser.
Wednesday night, people, get at the Mohawk. The Couch are having their CD release with Zlam Dunk and Little Radar. The dudes and dame of The Couch are debuting "Old and Touchin Blue" and it should be a riot. There's nothing like a good ass-shakin to push the foggy mid-week blues out of sight. You may get tickets from the lovely people at Eye in the Sky Collective (with two free downloads) here: https://eyeinthesky.org/thecouch/support/offers/ticket-download/
And, if you see that cute lil blonde thing with a sassy disposition on stage, give her a smooch for me and tell her Mexican tits misses her.
I'm flattered. I went out with a dude not that long ago, nice guy. At the end of our evening, we were hanging out in my car. I was dropping him off at his place like a gentleman. We're talking, it's pretty dark, all of a sudden he reaches up and flicks on my dome light. Click.
"Can I see your tits?"
Just like that. He turned on the dome light, turned to me with a horny 14 year old boner face. Grin. Big grin. As soon as he clicked it on, it startled me a bit. I instantly flinched and squinted as my pupils had to adjust to the shock of black to light.
I reach up and turn off the light. Click.
"I don't think so."
Now, I love him for his technique and not giving a fuck. Better than that, he wanted to get the best possible view of my rack. I get it, trust me. What got me is I was pissed I didn't do it first. He outwitted me, motherfucker. I'm stealing that move. Dudes, you better be sure your shit is working. Get those bulbs replaced in your car, do whatever needs to be done. If I reach up to click on your dome light to show you Mexico, you don't want to be the one who's missing out because of a shitty car or lazy maintenance upkeep.
What's going on tonight, you ask? Well, Ladies and Gents, head on over to the block party happening at Moss Designer Consignment, 701 & 705 S. Lamar. The ladies who brought us Feathers (my favorite vintage shop in Austin) are killing it at their new shop, Moss, which specializes in recent designer duds. Moss turns one and they are going all out. They're having a sale throughout the evening, drinks, snacks, and Me. Hey, I'll be there. Come say hello, and bring your full pocketbook because you'll find something you want, that's certain.
If a die hard, stalker Miss Austin fan wants to purchase this little lady a Christmas present, there's a badass yellow ZZ Top tee at Feathers I saw yesterday that I WANT. There's also a black fox tail that needs my love. Santa, I hope you're reading this.
I was talking with my friends the other day about the tragedy of Lara Flynn Boyle's face. Remember Twin Peaks and how amazing that show was, and how beautiful she was? Man, what happened to her? I saw her on South Congress not that long ago with her husband and I couldn't stop staring at her lips and cheeks and chest ribs. Ok, that sounds a little crazy but I was standing above her as she was sitting, and I was able to look down her shirt. What?! Yeah, I fucking got a peek. Although there wasn't anything to look at, just starving bones. This is a true story:
Before
After
Next time you see me ask me to do my Lara Flynn Boyle impersonation, shit is right on.
So, I was thinking about treating myself to a Lara Flynn Boyle for Christmas. Huge tits is on the list, obviously. I need them to be so big, I can honk my horn while driving a la Rasputia in Norbit. New nose, new cheeks, new ears, new gums, new everything. Why the fuck not? Oh, I'm also gonna rip my eyebrows off and replace them with a smeared sharpie, fucking Chola n shit. Single file line, gentlemen. No pushing.
Yes, it's December already, I can't believe it either. Are you feeling like you need a little holiday boost? Well, I'm here for you. These songs remind me of the holidays in one capacity or another, I hope you feel the holiday cheer because I'm about to spray you with it.
Does it get any better than this classic? Fuck, I miss music videos so much.
This reminds me of my Christmas last year in New York City. I didn't live in Queens, Brooklyn to be exact, but I had a very Hollis, Queens moment. I was walking in the freezing cold when I stopped to get some gloves from a street vendor. This song was blaring from his stand.
"Say, girl, you cold? You too hot to be cold. You like a hot mocha drop."
"Thanks, I am cold."
"What you need? Scarf, hat, gloves, coat, sweater, ear muffs?'
"Just gloves, please."
We exchange money.
"Say. You know you owe me a kiss?"
"Excuse me?"
"You standing next to my mistletoe."
His mistletoe was scotch-taped to the side panel of his booth.
"Next to? Well, that doesn't count. If you would've had that shit above my head, my tongue would've been in your mouth and we could've made beautiful brown babies."
He laughed and said, "Man, I love me some saucy Eye-talians."
I am Mexi-Dolly, or at least I am in my mind. I love her so. Nothing will get you in the Christmas spirit like Hard Candy Christmas and The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. The above montage is pretty amazing, I feel like Dolly and I have the same closet.
