Hunk and Babe of the Week - Update!

Love birds, Ceci and Zach.

Do you remember these two? She is a Babe, and he is a Hunk, and I brought them together back in November with my Hunk and Babe of the Week piece. Well, now they are now dating! That's right, after my little posting these two met and hit it off! They owe me their first born, and I'm cashin' in! Gimme that baby!

Hi, My Name is Jodie Holland, and I'm an ENFJ

Want to get personal? Let's do it. First of all, Jodie Holland is not my real name but it sounds like a good name, huh? I bet she's a pretty cool lady. Anyway, one of my good lady pals sent me the Myers-Briggs test to take yesterday. Turns out, I'm an ENFJ personality - Extrovert, Intuitive, Feeling, Judging. Myers-Briggs is designed to help individuals identify how they are perceived, and possibly help to understand their decision making process, personally and professionally. I was skeptical as I've taken many of these personality tests before, most are way off. I will say, I read this profile of an ENFJ, and it is spot-on. If you are looking to stalk Holland then you should read this to understand how she operates. If you don't give a shit, I don't blame you, but you should take the test yourself and get weird, possibly depressed, at seeing yourself in a mirror. I'm happy to be a ENFJ, and I've accepted it. The feeling I am having now is to eat some tacos, and my intuition is telling me to get The Democrat at Torchy's. I might get two of them, no judgement, please. Man, this test is crazy. Try it!

SPOILER ALERT:
Ok, so I cheated on the test. I asked my office to answer some of the questions and ENFJ was the result of about, 5 people's personalities. It was also right before lunch at Torchy's, so back off!


On a completely unrelated note, do you remember Showbiz Pizza?

I might have just dated myself.

It's rare that Mexicans love pizza more than Gorditas and manteca (lard), but I remember La Raza in San Antonio loving the shit out of Showbiz; my family was one of them. This was before the morbid obesity problem caused by that annoying rat, Chuck E Cheese, and really, Mexicans just being Mexicans. It's cool, things are looking up. I hear San Antonio is looking to put a ban on flour tortillas and automobiles. That'll help.

My birthday is coming up, friends. Can we make this happen? I need the Rockafire Explosion to sing me a sensual rendition of Happy Birthday while I stuff my pie hole with cheep pizza. It'll be my 25 birthday, after all. Let's do this. I will also need to reenact this special photo moment.

Creepy as fuck.

I need my pal, Lauren, to help decipher this post. If I'm not an ENFJ, then what am I? I would say by the looks of this scattered post, I am a EL SOS:

Extrovert

Loud with

Salsa On my Shirt

This is true.

I'm Not Promoting Violence, But Sometimes It's OK

I'm a nice girl, a real nice girl, but sometimes I need to put you in your place. You sure as hell need to put me in mine. I declare there are two acceptable acts of violence:  tossing gum in someone's hair, and slapping a beer out of person's hand. Both are dick moves, and get the point across adequately. Now, you can't go around doing either willy-nilly, that would make you the ultimate prick. You'll lose your friends that way, and get banned from bars, don't do that. These are only to be utilized as defensive moves when the last line of verbal sparring is squashed. Only then can you challenge, but you better be have a jar of peanut butter, and a change of clothes because things will get ugly.

I am reminded of a lovely encounter where this was practiced.....on me. Take a look at this innocent face:

Sweet haircut.

Cute, huh? That's me, in 1980-something. I was such a sweet little loud-mouthed angel doing as I was told (not really). As some of you know, I grew up in the house that guilt built - the Catholic church. At that time, I didn't know much about the Bible (as a matter of fact, I should probably re-read it. Put it on the spring book list). I was more concerned with jamming crayons up my nose, sniffing sharpies, and hoarding punch and cookies at Sunday school. I needed to get high on every church-loving substance in the place, and I did. I think I drank some of the Holy Water too. Ever done that? Shit is crazy.

One day after Sunday school I am sitting next to a girl from class during mass. She was an asshole.  I might have been a smart aleck as a youth, but I was never an asshole, this I know. We were sitting in the pew, waiting for the service to start when she starts mocking a lady in front of us, as most assholes do. This woman's hair was unkept, teased, and probably a bit dirty with about 35 barrettes and bobby pins fashioning up her 'do. Thinking back, she was way ahead of the hipster curve. She had the librarian look long before Urban Outfitters. This little girl was a 10-year old prick. The church hipster hears Asshole mocking her 'do. Asshole didn't even have a good bit, but she kept on mocking. Before I could slink away, Church Hipster turns around, pulls the Big League Chew from the side of her mouth, slams it on the side of my head, then forcefully moves it around as to ensure maximum damage. I am stunned. Church Hipster bolts. I reach up to feel the massive cyst on the side of my head, my hair intertwined around it like Charlotte's "Humble" Web. I feel the tears welling up. Asshole takes off and leaves me there alone. In that moment, Church Hipster and Asshole changed the course of my look for many sad years to come.

This is a perfect example of the proper use of violence, she just got the wrong person. I ain't mad at her. If you're reading this, Church Hipster, I ain't mad at you, I get it.

When is it acceptable to slap a drink? There are a few regrettable moments I can think of where I should have launched a shitty beer across the room and chuckled the loudest, most obnoxious maniacal laugh you could imagine. There was the night on the Austin Vegas Strip (Rainey St.) when someone charged me for water. I could have slapped a drink then. Also, the time when this tall, drunk bitch tore up a Miss Austin sticker to my face after I gave it to her. I know her ass is reading this. You better always have a change of clothes in your car, because I get a free shot for that dick move. Then there's the time when some middle-aged Pat MaGee told me I looked like Snookie. My ego still hasn't recovered. Better believe he gets a slap. One of my favorites is the time a waiter in NYC sold me the nightly special, conveniently forgetting to disclose an important piece of pricing information. "The burger you are ordering is $40" would've been courteous. I could have slapped the entire tray out of her hand for that nonsense.

Like I said, these are defense tactics are only to be used in certain situations, don't get carried away. Or do, and we will be new best friends.



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Jam That Crayon Up Your Nose

I'm feeling 2013 already. After I shook off my two-day hangover from this past weekend, I woke up with a resolve to make this year the best yet. Some might say that new year's resolutions are a pointless reach kickstarted by a guilt gut, but I think they are a good idea. Why not have a conversation with yourself to make goals for the new year? It's a good starting point to start a new project, or lifestyle change. I'm all for it.

This year I have decided to adopt a few resolutions, and drop some bad ideas. I will be making a few changes here on Miss Austin. Don't worry fans (or, fan) I'm not going anywhere, I have just decided to shift focus a bit. Think of it like I am on stage and I am inviting all my friends up to sing a song with me. Now, I can't sing for shit, but together we will make a anthem of sorts, a bithin' Austin Anthem. This is the new direction of Miss Austin.

I have decided to keep drinking because that brings me a lot of pleasure.

I will actively support more local businesses.

Most of all, I have decided to put more of my art out there. I am not going to hold back, there will be no filter, and I won't be afraid to do so. I have a tendency to second guess my concepts and processes, like many of us do, but I will not let fear dictate my decisions.

While I was contemplating the new year I was reminded of a memory from my youth. As a young loud mouth, I was always knew there was a voice inside me. At the time, I didn't know what it was, I just felt like a weird little kid. Now, I know it to be my creative voice. It made me nervous, anxious, and excited. Well, whenever I felt this urge to express myself, I would jam crayons up my nose. Those little things fit perfectly in my nostril, the circumference was spot-on. This helped me focus, and it somehow comforted my uneasy feeling. It was almost inspiring. I wanted to draw, write, paint, whatever, I just felt this urge to create. I believe this nervous tic, or comforting habit of drawing with crayons up my nose somehow helped me concentrate and hone my ideas to something that made sense. Now, as an adult, I believe this to still make sense. If jamming a crayon up your nose gives you the comfort and confidence to turn those ideas into something bigger, then hit up the store for a 120 count box. Find your inspiration and listen to your gut, she is always right.

I have been testing this out again, with successful results, at least in my mind. Sure, I have kinks to iron out, but the wheels are greased and there is a dickton of wax surrounding the inner wall of my nose. Blowing my nose is a de Kooning in itself. So, my new year's resolution is just that. Be inspired, listen to your gut, and put it out there. Fear is an asshole, don't let assholes tell you what to do. I will be putting more of my art out in 2013, and I hope to see you all there with crayons in your nose, or at least, residual wax around the outer rim.

Jodie Ramone/Miss Austin

Free Week!

Are you recovered from your slutty new year's eve night? Because Free Week starts tonight! Sit on a block of ice today if you have to because the next two weeks rule. Transmission Events is bringing it at the Mohawk, Red 7, Beerland, and Holy Mountain. There are a few other venues participating as well (The Blackheart is one). Check out the listings and get there!