I'm Not Promoting Violence, But Sometimes It's OK

I'm a nice girl, a real nice girl, but sometimes I need to put you in your place. You sure as hell need to put me in mine. I declare there are two acceptable acts of violence:  tossing gum in someone's hair, and slapping a beer out of person's hand. Both are dick moves, and get the point across adequately. Now, you can't go around doing either willy-nilly, that would make you the ultimate prick. You'll lose your friends that way, and get banned from bars, don't do that. These are only to be utilized as defensive moves when the last line of verbal sparring is squashed. Only then can you challenge, but you better be have a jar of peanut butter, and a change of clothes because things will get ugly.

I am reminded of a lovely encounter where this was practiced.....on me. Take a look at this innocent face:

Sweet haircut.

Cute, huh? That's me, in 1980-something. I was such a sweet little loud-mouthed angel doing as I was told (not really). As some of you know, I grew up in the house that guilt built - the Catholic church. At that time, I didn't know much about the Bible (as a matter of fact, I should probably re-read it. Put it on the spring book list). I was more concerned with jamming crayons up my nose, sniffing sharpies, and hoarding punch and cookies at Sunday school. I needed to get high on every church-loving substance in the place, and I did. I think I drank some of the Holy Water too. Ever done that? Shit is crazy.

One day after Sunday school I am sitting next to a girl from class during mass. She was an asshole.  I might have been a smart aleck as a youth, but I was never an asshole, this I know. We were sitting in the pew, waiting for the service to start when she starts mocking a lady in front of us, as most assholes do. This woman's hair was unkept, teased, and probably a bit dirty with about 35 barrettes and bobby pins fashioning up her 'do. Thinking back, she was way ahead of the hipster curve. She had the librarian look long before Urban Outfitters. This little girl was a 10-year old prick. The church hipster hears Asshole mocking her 'do. Asshole didn't even have a good bit, but she kept on mocking. Before I could slink away, Church Hipster turns around, pulls the Big League Chew from the side of her mouth, slams it on the side of my head, then forcefully moves it around as to ensure maximum damage. I am stunned. Church Hipster bolts. I reach up to feel the massive cyst on the side of my head, my hair intertwined around it like Charlotte's "Humble" Web. I feel the tears welling up. Asshole takes off and leaves me there alone. In that moment, Church Hipster and Asshole changed the course of my look for many sad years to come.

This is a perfect example of the proper use of violence, she just got the wrong person. I ain't mad at her. If you're reading this, Church Hipster, I ain't mad at you, I get it.

When is it acceptable to slap a drink? There are a few regrettable moments I can think of where I should have launched a shitty beer across the room and chuckled the loudest, most obnoxious maniacal laugh you could imagine. There was the night on the Austin Vegas Strip (Rainey St.) when someone charged me for water. I could have slapped a drink then. Also, the time when this tall, drunk bitch tore up a Miss Austin sticker to my face after I gave it to her. I know her ass is reading this. You better always have a change of clothes in your car, because I get a free shot for that dick move. Then there's the time when some middle-aged Pat MaGee told me I looked like Snookie. My ego still hasn't recovered. Better believe he gets a slap. One of my favorites is the time a waiter in NYC sold me the nightly special, conveniently forgetting to disclose an important piece of pricing information. "The burger you are ordering is $40" would've been courteous. I could have slapped the entire tray out of her hand for that nonsense.

Like I said, these are defense tactics are only to be used in certain situations, don't get carried away. Or do, and we will be new best friends.



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