Throwing Some Love to Austin Bartenders with Sailor Jerry

Calling all bartenders, bar owners, managers and plain ol' regular drunks: Sailor Jerry is kicking off a search for America's most appreciated bartenders and they're asking YOU to nominate them. I feel it is my duty to support two of my best pals: Sailor Jerry and booze. SO, if you have someone in mind, someone who you think could represent Austin in the most bitchin' way, skip over to the link below and tell them why you love him/her so much. On December 6th - "Bartender Appreciation Day" - two lucky bartenders will be named America's most appreciated, and Sailor Jerry will take over their bars for massive "Sailor Jerry Presents.." concerts in their honor. I can think of a few 'tenders who I would like to nominate, I'm sure you can too. One of these shows needs to be in Austin. Let's make this happen, people.

HUNKS OF THE WEEK

YES! I'm fucking starving over here. I have been on the man meat hunt all summer. Cruising the east side, south side, North Loop, pretty much everywhere except Round Rock (we all know the nonsense up there). During this Hunk vision quest, I came across not one, but TWO Hunks who are doing their thing at the widely popular and delicious, Qui restaurant on E. 6th St. Yes, TWO! Sure, we all love Paul Qui and what he is doing to our tastebuds, but who are the men on the frontline of these culinary-gasms? I want to know. YOU want to know.

BABE OF THE WEEK

Austin, meet Selina. Selina, meet Austin! You all know how I love a sassy lady with an attitude, especially one who could possibly have a tittie falling out at any point in the evening. A lady that exudes confidence and spunk all wrapped in a stylish little bow. Now, that bow might reek of whiskey, late nights, and questionable decisions, but she's a looker nonetheless. I would like to welcome Selina Hinojosa to the Miss Austin Babe Barn. You'll fit in quite well here, Selina. There's nothing but farm animals, Candyland, old PBR cans, sloppy kisses and Johnny Paycheck playing in the background. It's kind of utopia.

Selfie Scale

Selifes. What a funny word. I think this phenomenon of posting photos of oneself is entertaining, a bit eye-rolling wrapped in a whole lot of judgement. I love it, but I also despise it. I like to have fun with social media as much as the next drunk, but I also have the platform to call you vanity plates out so I decided to stamp it, rule it, notarize it and declare it. Done. This is the Selfie Scale.

Summer Shower Jams - Let's Fucking Party

Drop the towel, lady.

Guys, I've found a new summertime hobby. It's one that incorporates all of my favorite pastimes: boozin', giggling, chatting, reading, writing, bullshitting, snacking. It keeps me safe and hydrated, and I look pretty good doing it (when, I say I look good, I mean I look ridiculous). Drunk sit-down showers are my summertime jam! I'm not talking about having a nice cold tallboy while lathering up - as fun as that is - no, I'm talking sitting my drunk, stumbling ass in a memaw chair and straight chillin'. Does this mean I'm getting old?

Austin, Texas!

What an electric night in Austin, I hope you all felt it, I hope you are STILL feeling it! I am proud to stand with Texas women and their supporters for what's right. We have some new heroes in our little city, but the people who stayed and yelled and made their voice heard, really warms my heart. YOU did it.

Thank you to Wendy Davis and everyone who stood up for women's health. This is just the beginning, I have a feeling the next time we will be louder and even stronger. Let your voice be heard!  #standwithtexaswomen

I love you, Austin.

102 Free Tattoos!

My pals over at Sailor Jerry are throwing a tattoo party to commemorate the life of Norman "Sailor Jerry" Collins by giving out 102 free tattoos! Recognized as Sailor Jerry Day, June 12th is the date Collins passed away in 1973. If Collins were alive today, he would be turning 102 years old. The lovely folks at Keith Underwood's Austin Tattoo Company will be permanently branding your skin with one of Sailor Jerry's original flash designs - swallow, shark, anchor, cherry, or a nautical star. Your tattoo will be decided by your toss at the dart board below. Bullseye is your choice, dudes.

Are You on the Localeur Tip?

Well, you are now. I just joined the Localeur team and I'm stoked! I will be bringing you the goods, as I see it (wink), for us locals, and for our friends who come visit; gotta love those friends. Localeur is a curated group of people in Austin who give recommendations on what to check out and what to avoid in our lovely city. Austin is the first city to have this little gem of a resource, with many more Localeur sites to come throughout the country. Localeur Houston is starting up next week, so peep that if you need some pointers while in H-town.

Hey, it's Memorial Day, and I just wrote my first piece: 4 Bars Where I Want to Hit on the Bartenders. How could you go throughout your holiday without this golden information? If I get any of you laid, or even a titty flash, hit me up because you owe me a beer.

Check it out, and check out some of the other recommendations. There's some good stuff on there.

The End is Really Fucking Nigh

What are you guys listening to today? I am so stoked on the new Queens of the Stone Age album, I can't stop listening to it. I'm especially digging these animated shorts, they're pretty mesmerizing. I know they are coming to ACL this year, which is cool and all, but I would prefer to see them at a venue like the Mohawk or the Red 7, right? Not next to some Noodler in Teva's who just jammed out to String Cheese something-or-other with his sweaty hoola-huping girlfriend in fairy wings, you know? That is some buzzkill shit. And, put some shoes on, Noodler!

Summer 2013 - Underboob Cleavage or Bust

Is it just me or do you find it incredibly provocative and a little exhilarating when you spot a lady with underboob cleavage? I kind of wish all ladies would chop off their blouse's and T's at the rib cage and just let it bounce out. I'm so over the standard, run-of-the-mill cleavage (can't trust it!). All that predictable flesh being forced in my face. That pushy sternum and her annoying chest bones. No. I want to tilt my head slightly and check out a lady properly; check her out where it matters, where the heat is, where you can see her fertility potential and nurturing abilities. Am I right, dudes? And, how about in swimsuits? I am so into a little slice of woman-flesh peeking out from the bottom of a bikini top. HOT. That's it, I'm saying it and I mean it: The summer of 2013 is all about the underboob cleavage. Get up on it, ladies!

Don't Stand Behind Me

What are you doing Friday evening? Well, you shouldn't stand behind me because my drunk-ass will be launching a hatchet across the patio at the Buzzmill's First Annual Jamboree! Is there anything more terrifying than a bunch of tipsy-turvy knuckleheads tossing a hatchet while jamming a flapjack in their mouth? When I say terrifying, I mean RADICAL and pretty much my ideal Friday night.

I am crushing so hard on the Buzzmill right now. He's a hot, sweaty coffee man by day, and a tall frothy fresh pour of a mug at night. There's a hint of cigarette smoke and cedar around his collar, he's got rough man-hands, and he's there 24 hours a day. You feelin' me?

Come on by tomorrow, we can feed each other beef jerky, and get the growler hiccups! Check the Buzzmill's Facebook page for updates and info on signing up for the contests. The Builders and Butchers are playing at 8:00 pm. See you there!

I've Been Immortalized

Today is one of those days. The weather is perfect, my morning coffee is just right, I'm not hungover, and I just got five drawings in the mail from the lead singer of Valient Thorr, Valient Himself! I commissioned Valient Himself to create some portraits of me for Miss Austin, and his results are pretty spot-on. One of the raddest dudes in metal, in one of the raddest bands in metal, is pushing his art through so many avenues, it's exciting to keep up with. He sells his drawings here, Valient Thorr has a new album coming out in June - Our Own Masters - along with a summer tour, and he mans Valient's Vlogg where he reviews bad/awesome flixxx. Man, I thought I was hustlin'! This dude is my hero.

Check out the goods:

Miss Austin as Venus

You can see more of his drawings here. Dudes, there is an Ultimate Warrior and a Macho Man Randy Savage drawing on his Etsy store page. I am not kidding. 

Thank you, Valient Himself! See you in Austin this summer!

Friday....CHOP!

I have some fun things brewing over here, more to come next week....stay tuned!
Teasers: a metal dude is bringing some action to Miss Austin, and I'm giving my picks for a certain neighborhood in our lovely city. Soon, my pretties, very soon.

It's Friday, and I feel like I'm in charge. I AM IN CHARGE.

Coachella - Are There Even Any Bands Playing?

...the fuck?                                                     (Image courtesy of LAist)

Where's the music? Where are the fans getting nutty in the crowd? Why the hell is the Coachella coverage all about flower headbands, celebrities, and fringed crop tops? And, what the fuck is with all the grown-ups dressed as fairies? Am I alone here, or do you think grown women dressed up like fairies is some cry-for-help shit? These fairies aren't even the magical, fairy dust leaving, snort some glitter, leave a $20 under your pillow kind of fairies, these are some mall fairies living in West Hollywood. Give me music, not fairies! Fucking L.A.

This festival makes me miss the shit out of Fun Fun Fun Fest.


**Update: I just saw photos of dudes starting to wear flower headbands. HAHAHA.

Solid Gold & Busy Being - Dranks and Thangs

Solid Gold and Busy-Being (1601 E. 6th Street) know how to throw a fucking party. This Thursday, April 4th they are having their grand opening party and you should go because, well, I mean, not only does this shop have some bitchin' lady finds (love their jewelry), but a little known Austin homie is playing - Tim Kerr! Holy shit, Tim Kerr is going to be playing with some friends on the corner of E. 5th & Comal, no big deal.

Busy Being, Solid Gold, vodka, and Tim Kerr on a beautiful spring evening with friends, I could shed a real tear. Congrats, ladies!

See you there!!

Austin - Making it the Most Ideal City One Campfire at a Time

Cue a sensual bass line...

This little number goes out to all the women after me. I'm dedicating this with an R. Kelly finger kiss to the sky and a slight sentimental head tilt. Ladies in Austin, San Antonio, Denton, and New York City - all the places I've lived - you're welcome. Why? Because throughout time, I've obeyed the rule, the rule that should be on your mind when you unsnap that brassiere. The rule that commands the respect of all woman and mankind - leave the campfire better than you found it. This is a rule we all need to abide, and I do it with pride. You are getting it good because of me, and I am getting it better because of you. Look at our vaginas high-fiving each other! Man, we are curing global issues here.

This sort of kindness is what makes for ideal living. Can we agree that Austin is the raddest place to live? Yes, we can. Can you imagine if everyone in our little city was a 10 in bed? Holy shit! Now, if you are not participating in the camp fire rule, you need to get the fuck out of Austin. I will not have you. You need to go to Dallas or Midland or some shit where mediocrity and lazy fucking is accepted. Let's all shotgun a Lonestar, and shake on it that we are all going to coach a dude or lady when he or she goes astray, ok? Bad kissers be gone, mousy lays be gone, bad blowies be gone. All GONE.

Now, this isn't just a chest bump to the keepers of the fire, but also the Boy Scouts who are so willing to learn. You get a new fleshlight patch for being part of the team, and passing your new skills along. Way to be! I will say, let's be reminded to leave your ego deep in the woods, don't get offended when someone gives you a tap on the shoulder. No, give them a wink and a eskimo kiss for their thoughtfulness and caring about Austin so much.  Deal? Deal.

Can we pass this message along to all? If I need to take out a page in the Statesman to teach some uptighters, then so be it. Hey, let's even include North Austin. If you live north of 183, you are part of the team too. Let's not let highways divide us. Let's all participate in the camp fire rule even if you're kicking it at Chuy's North.

Camping is fun.

Equality For All - It's Time

Really, it's past that time.
Equality for all.

Happy St. Patrick's Day, I Guess.

I could write a Happy St. Patrick's Day piece here but I thought, nah, why write something new when I can repost last year's St. Paddy's shame. It's the same shit. You know this is happening right now downtown, and it's a nightmare filled with a bunch of non-Irish assholes hootin-and-hollerin', pissing on the streets, and trying to spread their cold sores. Maybe I'm just feeling SXSW pangs of exhaustion, so I'm a little grumpy, but let's take a walk down memory lane anyway.


March 18, 2012
What a non-Irish shit show. After the SXSW fun at the Jackalope yesterday, I was walking down the dirtiest of Sixth Street (that's all of Sixth, mind you) and came across too many fucking morons to count all celebrating St. Patrick's Day. I loathe St. Patrick's kooky wear. People pull together the most eye bleeding ensemble, then troll downtown littering our pristine streets. The funny thing I noticed is that my people (La Raza) aren't dressed up with green feather boas, and wacky green socks. Nope. This is a gringo specific activity. Even when it's Cinco de Mayo, or Mexican Independence Day, we keep our shit in a margarita glass. Sure, we get a little rowdy, but at least you won't trip on a curb when you're neck is being whipped back because of some dude in a green thong screaming, "Kiss me, I'm Irish!" No, you're not. You're Polish.

I told this guy he couldn't use the bus as part of his St. Patrick's ensemble, that's cheating. He then tried to put on his plastic hat over his sunglasses, numerous times. Also, his vodka shirt gave away his non-Irish blood.

I would love to jump in on their conversation.

Wow. 1995 non-Irish. "I'm fucking so hard tonight."

(not sure what that means, so many interpretations)

Mom and Dad non-Irish, or UT undergrad non-Irish? Could go either way.

Elf non-Irish? Think he played on the patio of Wendy's on 6th and I35.

These two non-Irish just hauled ass from Barton Creek Mall. I think they both wanted to punch me in the face for taking their photo.

Ms. Merchandise non-Irish. Way to step it up, lady.

What the fuck is going on here? What are these things? This isn't even ok for non-Irish strippers.

Ugh. This non-Irish couple just made sick. I think it was that dudes pants and flops.

Now, this motherfucker is Irish!

I can't make this shit up. This was one of those hold-my-camera-up-and-hope-I-get-a-shot moments, and boy, did I. There are too many non-Irish things happening in this shot of a lifetime. From my Jewish New York cousin in the thong with his nasty, dirty ass crack, to the gay/straight dude palming his junk, to the white MC smoking a blunt, and the wigger on the right who said, "This is so muthafuckin' tight and dope, yo."
And, finally I got him! The only Irish dude I found on Sixth Street yesterday was the guy at the bottom who looks like he was being held against his will. I tried to free him, but it was like our fingers couldn't grasp one another. I think he started crying. I kind of did too.

SXSW - Volcom Free Beer Party!

SXSW - Nylon Mag and Volcom!

I heading down to the W for Nylon Magazine's party with my lovely Volcom Girls. It's going down on the Terrace at The W. RSVP at terraceatthew.com. Come say hello, and bring me a water. Seriously.

SXSW - Austin Facial Hair Fiasco!

Today! Fun! Come join me and some hairy men (and women) for the Austin Facial Hair Fiasco at The Grackle. Free Brooklyn Beer, free oysters! I'll be one of the judges getting all up in that hair. I want to nestle the shit out of some man hair tonight. 

Schedule of events:
7:30-7:35 Intro to judges etc.
7:35-8:20 The Beards
8:20-8:35 Partial Beard 1st round
8:35-9:10 Vitamins 
9:10-9:20 Mustache 1st Round
9:20-9:55 Toy Soldiers
9:55-10:10 Full Beard 1st Round
10:10-11:00 Mello Bravo
11:00-11-20 All Category Finals


Do 512 here. See you there!

SXSW - Sailor Jerry: Booze, Bands, Booze, and Free Tattoos!

Sailor Jerry has taken over the Gypsy Lounge (1504 E 6th Street) for SXSW starting..now! All weekend there will be a ton of bands (shocking), booze (yes!), and FREE TATTOOS. What?! Free tattoos will be offered up daily (first come, first served) by resident American Traditional expert Downtown Terry Brown. But there's a catch - you have to throw a dart at a board covered in different Norman Collins flash designs in order to determine which piece will get inked on your body. The dart board is below:

Hey, make a memory with a pal, get an anchor on your cheek or eyelid or some shit. Also, the Sailor Jerry peeps will be accepting entries for a very special tattoo giveaway for a FREE session with Oliver Peck of Ink Master. On Friday, one lucky person will be chosen and the tattoo will be done live at the venue on Saturday, March 16th. As always, there will be plenty of Sailor Jerry cocktails floating around. Check out the line-ups below (Spits!). 

Follow me on Instagram and Twitter: @missaustintexas

SXSW - Austin Facial Hair Fiasco

This Thursday after you come get all memaw drunk at the Riunite Wine Tour, stumble over to The Grackle for the Austin Facial Hair Fiasco! These dudes from Boston are going to take over the Grackle Rock party for the evening with a beard and mustache competition and some good old fashioned rock and roll. Party starts at 7:30 pm, I'll be one of the judges feeling up the dudes, so come on down! This is a free party, no need to RSVP.


NOT-SO-PRO TIP:  If you get tired of all the delicious food trailers around, or the free pizza at the Riunite Wine Tour, there's a Church's Chicken right across the street from The Grackle.

SXSW - Riverboat Gamblers/Thee Oh Sees

Tonight! Free beer and BBQ with the Riverboat Gamblers and Thee Oh Sees! Shut your mouth! Rooftop party! FREE! 

Exclamation points!!!!

You have to RSVP here to get in. 

SXSW - Today!

Don't let this little rain put you off, we're still going to be bringing the pain today at the Hotel Vegas for the Suicide Girls SXSW party! It all starts at 7:00 pm. Get there early, there's sure to be a line. The first 100 people get a free 1 year membership to Suicide Girls!

Some lucky dude or dame will also get a sweet gift basket filled with goodies from Miss Austin, Suicide Girls, and Hotel Vegas (including 2 VIP passes to all SXSW events at the Hotel Vegas!). I will be randomly selecting one person who is a new subscriber to Miss Austin. Look for me to sign up!

Keep checking back on the blog and Instagram throughout the evening as I will be posting photos and updates of the event.

Do 512 here, you gotta RSVP to this one, folks.


Follow me on Instagram and Twitter: @missaustintexas

SXSW - Riunite Reunion Tour

This rules so hard. I am teaming up with Riunite wine (yes, that Riunite) for a SXSW party on Thursday, March 14 on the corner of 6th & Brushy streets, just east of downtown. Team Riunite (a bunch of memaws get fucking buckwild) will have an RV set up with an outdoor lounge for all you SXSWers to come cheers the day and night away. I will be there from 3:00-5:00 pm giving away a special Miss Austin cocktail, Mexi-Tits. Yes, you have to say that to get it.

Mexi-Tits
Trebbiano/Moscato
Titos Vodka - Pear infusion
St. Germaine
Fresh squeezed lemon juice, bitters, mint leaves

They are also giving away free Roppolo's Pizza and blow. Kidding! No blow, just pizza. Come say hi, let's chill and get weird drunk off of Mexi-Tits!

Do 512 here.

Follow me on Instagram and Twitter: @missaustintexas

SXSW: Suicide Girls +Miss Austin + Sailor Jerry + Hotel Vegas = Mucho Exclamation Points !!!!!

Oh shit! I've got the inside track on some hot babies who are going to be at the Suicide Girls SXSW party this weekend, and it's going to be nuts! I'm just going to throw some teasers your way of these sassy ladies. Let's sychronize our watches to titty-thirty and I'll see you there!

Charmaine

Periguin

Alissa

The first 100 people in line will get a FREE 1 year membership to Suicide Girls.

There will be a live casting for hopefuls with the lady herself, Missy Suicide. 

I will be picking one lucky person to receive a bitchin' gift basket filled with goodies from us all - Miss Austin, Suicide Girls, Hotel Vegas, and Sailor Jerry. 

Interactive Suicide Girls photo booth (wonder what that means?!) 


Performances by:

    BOBBY JEALOUSY    KAY LEOTARD
    RUBY FRAY
    SEXPLOITS
    AMNESIA BABIES    dj MAHEALANI
    dj CHANTAL    + SPECIAL GUESTS

RSVP here on Do512.

Follow me on Instagram and Twitter: @missaustintexas