March 24, 2014

Mixommelier of the Week - ME

I'm blowing the whistle on some alcohol fuckery, and I'm blowing it loud. Yes, I like to booze. Yes, I am drunk a lot, and, yes, I do know the value of a cocktail. Nothing makes me clench my buttcheeks harder or clutch my pocketbook tighter than a overpriced beverage. The mixology jig is up.


With new bars and restaurants caressing the underbelly of every new condo in Austin virtually every other week, we are on the precipice of the next I-Stand-With-Wendy type march - all in the name of fair cocktail prices and trend-killing. I think I just started a new campaign: BOOZERS UNITE. Who can throw together a logo?

Fact: I hate Gin. Gin gives me killer, barf hangovers.
Fact: Gin is so 'in' - so says multiple Beverage Directors.
**insert eyeroll**

I was at a certain seafood restaurant on S. Congress* (food is A+). sitting at the bar when I went to talk to the bartender regarding the drink menu.
"May I get this drink but with vodka instead of gin?"
"Oooh, sssshhhuuu, you should get it with gin. Gin really is a developed flavor and when combined with the apricot it really......" (I fall off)
"Right. I trust you think gin works best with fruit liqueur and lemon (sarcasm insertion), but I really can't drink gin; it makes me ill. May I get it with vodka? I'll pay extra if I need to."
"Mmmm, ssshhww, well ok, we do have some other vodka drinks....." (I fall off, again)
I am vodka offended. What is your problem with Dripping Springs, dude? My hand is firmly planted on my hip.
"May I see your wine list?"
"Oh, no, no, no, I'll get you what you want. I just don't want folks to get turned off by gin."
Hi, I'm 35. I've tried gin before, dipshit. Now, I'm really thirsty.

I understand part of a dining experience is getting the bigger picture as it is meant to be experienced by the Chef, however, when I'm noshing on raw oysters and bread at the bar, chances are I can choose my own dinner accompaniment.

Bonus eyeroll: Reisling. Good luck trying to get a glass of Vino Vherde when Joe Mixology is behind the bar. It's all about Rrrrreisling!

Is that Mike Judge making my cocktail? Is the Shroud of Turin my cocktail napkin? Is that frozen Beluga caviar as ice cubes? The answer to these questions is no, so QUIT WITH THE ALCOHOL FUCKERY.

Fact: Some drinks deserve to be $10 - $12. No mixed drink in Austin, TX should be more than that. Unless there's a fun mushroom cap as a garnish (wink), or a mini-goth hand that reaches out of my drink to rub the giant ice cube on my nipple, can we double digits. Also, quit sliding in Moscow Mules as $10 and then some - it's a shot of vodka and beer!

Just because you sprinkle some cucumber dust and a banana peel to some Tito's Vodka does not equal a $12 cocktail. People talk about not wanting Austin to become LA or New York. Well, this is getting pretty close to it. Now, I'm not saying you can't charge for what you're getting. If I'm getting the fish bowl at the Jackalope, then that's a whole different conversation. I understand bars needing to make a profit, but come on. We all know when you're getting a really badass $10 drink, and when you're getting pitiful Pimm's Cup.

Bonus jokes: Frozen margaritas that are more than $8. HAHAHA

What do you think? Are cocktail prices starting to hurt your feelings? Let's paste sad faces on cocktail napkins all over town to show solidarity.

*Out of respect for this certain restaurant, I won't print their name in it's entirety: _erla's

Follow me: @missaustintexas

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