June 2, 2014


Let me start by saying that I love me some stylish ladies and dudes. I am in to, and shop at quite a few vintage shops and boutiques around town (shout-out to Prototype, Feathers and Headdress). I have also bought and worn quite a few impractical and/or hideous pieces. I get it, it's all relative.

Because I am in the what-the-hell-is-with-your-get-up club, I've awarded myself a hall pass to comment on the current City Witch trend. If you are not in a current city witch hotspot, let me try to describe: part high-waisted hipster pant, part 1995 Austin hippie, dash of sophomore year at college, hint of nouveau-goth, sprinkle of urban dwelling stench, and topped off with the ever-present big floppy hat. She also only speaks the confusing, and decoder ring-needed language of Emoticon English. Is that an accurate visual?

Photo: Tumblr.com

I will say there is about a 2% of ladies that can pull this off where it looks effortless and kind of makes me want to cruise around in their Car-To-Go, drink out of their cauldron and Instagram semi-sensual, aloof photos of each other. Witch hat off to you, hot ladies. 

After some drunk discussions with local and cross-country pals, I was able to compile a regional witch map. Who knew this urban witch had reached a critical mass? Do you think these are accurate?  If I didn’t hit your city, let me know! Let’s add them into the mix.

Photo: curious-sensibility.tumblr.com
AUSTIN – I love my city and I love my witches. The Austin city witch has a hint of Navajo style to her. She’s typically braless, doesn’t wear too much make-up – just a simple black eye-liner, has a either a mystical earth-wind symbol tattoo, or a flock of baby hummingbirds tattoo. The ATX witch also grapples with minor health hurdles that keep her from her day-drinking and vintage-only shopping agenda: minor aluminum poisoning. Despite her free-love, all-organic, only-farmers-market groceries, bitch has a bar of Secret in her homemade fringe bag. We all know how goddamn hot it gets in Texas, but for some reason the ATX witch has to wear poison deodorant to get through the summer days.

NYC – Haha, the NYC witch makes no fucking sense. The NYC witch isn’t even Brooklyn specific anymore, they’ve surpassed the rodent population. Now they’re covering all the boroughs (I need photo evidence of a Staten Island witch. Giggles). The NYC witch loves her crop tops but is completely impractical with her attire. I once saw a witch in semi-exposed lace panties, rayon shorteralls with a belt, a fucking velvet cape, and dutch clog-creeper hybrid shoes with ankle socks. This, topped off with the ever-present and mandatory oversized witch hat. I need a drink. 
*Additional NYC witch detail: Instagram contrast tool has a glitch; shit is extreme in all photos. 

LOS ANGELES – Well, the population of city witches in LA is sparse, mainly due to Santa Ana winds. Those winds gusts will kill a city witch buzz and drain her wallet in a snap! Having to replace her staple black wide-brimmed pointy hat isn’t cheap. The LA witch also adds a bit of SoCal flare with a flower accent piece that also doubles as a flower headband when she has to hit up a music festival on the fly. She is also really bitchy and has brittle bone syndrome because she’s fucking starving like every other female in LA. Oh, yeah, she’s also an actress with blahblahblahblah.

DENVER – There are no city witches in Denver. Not one. In fact, there are only a total of 13 females in the Denver metropolitan area. 

ST. LOUIS – Bless their hearts, the St. Lou witches are so confused. They only really come out to realize their full potential about 3 months out of the year. The rest of the year, they swap their witch hat and dangly jewelry for a Cardinals baseball cap. 

CHICAGO - This quintessential Midwestern city witch is one of my favorites. It gets so goddamn cold up there with inclement weather, the wide-brimmed hat actually makes sense. The Chicago witch also likes to cook, she might be a fire hazard in the kitchen with her fringe and tassels over multiple open-flames, but this witch will fatten you up! Yes, there might be a hint of a FUPA, but it’s kind of cute. Besides, she just masks that with layering. Throw on an extra black lace kimono or a long dreamcatcher necklace and gimme seconds!

Photo: Cheshircatfan.tumblr.com

Photo: HuffPo

Photo: Jaglever.com

This week's fashun moment has really inspired me to hit up JC Penney's.

Follow me @missaustintexas


  1. BREAKING NEWS. City witches now have been spotted in Denver as well. Although very rare (I suspect the cold winter months are too much for their malnourished bodies to endure) I suspect more sightings as the summer progresses.

    1. Solid work, Mendez. I hope your hand makes it up a witchy skirt this summer.

  2. about 4 years late on your trend report

    1. Four years, really? Good thing humor transcends time. Happy 2010 to you, Stoner.