Season's Change

Adios, 100 degree weather (I hope). October is approaching, cool weather on it's heels, and I am thrilled to not sweat through my shirt at 9 o'clock in the evening. As the weather starts to change and we swap out some of our summer duds for our fall clothing, I beg you to leave the following items in that dark box in the attic. Better yet, burn that shit. Don't donate this to the Salvation Army, or your crazy homeless man on the corner panhandling, burn it. I don't want to deny Crazy Joe on the corner of his usual dollar bill and titty flash just because he's wearing your old Uggs. Don't bring these trends back. Don't. Do. It.

Well, let's start at the highest female fashion crime: Uggs. Ladies, WHAT THE FUCK? I don't have to talk to you, I don't need to know your name or what you do for a living, it's all written all over your hideous animal hoof shoe. Ugg girls are a very distinct species, a species of unoriginality and yapping voices.

HAHAHA...wow fancy metallic Uggs, how vogue!

Highest Ugg crime. This honestly hurts mis ojos. These have to be the absolute strangest footwear I have ever seen. Ever.

Is it weird that uncircumcised boots freak me out more than uncircumcised penises? My attraction to these boots are a case by case basis, like uncircumcised penises.

Crushed velvet anything. The last time I wore crushed velvet, I got my ass groped at the 7th grade dance by a boy named Chris. That was the first time my virgin ass felt an awkward touch (there have been many more since). I liked it. On second thought, I want these pants.

Who is wearing this? Stop trying so hard, asshole. (Double wammy- crushed velvet turban).

 

Blue jeans are a critical item in one's wardrobe. A bad pair of jeans can throw you in to Lonelyville before you know it. Old folks, don't give up on your look because you're old and your body looks as if it's melting. If you have a saggy ass, buy saggy ass 501's that fit you properly. Don't buy your jeans at Kohl's. That's golden advice.

I don't want to just point out old people for giving up on their physical appearance, young dickheads are complicating jeans to no end. What the fuck is with all the embellishments? Rhinestones, graphics, forced tears are all no-no's. My favorite are the jeans that are pre-distressed in places where one wouldn't actually distress their jeans from normal wear and tear, like on your calf muscle, makes no sense. Some Vietnamese lady is fucking with the youth of the America with one simple sewing machine, I can hear her diabolical laugh now.

Unless you work at the Home Depot in the spray paint aisle, then this is a firm NO. Also, you shouldn't wear such a wide leg if you're 4'0", it screams tiny dick.

No.

"I'll take a Michelob Ultra."

This shape is only meant for large white ladies with freckles and offensive FUPA's.

"Austin is def not LA. Obvi."

Have fun with your fall fashion, but please Austin, don't break out the mittens and heavy scarves when it's only 60 degrees out. Patience. You'll be able to wear it all soon enough.

Someone's Getting Pregnant This Weekend

The booze is a-callin'. If you are undecided on which way to turn this weekend, look no further, I'm here for you. Everything I am recommending will involve a cocktail (a necessity, let's be honest) and/or delicious food. What else could you possibly need to wind down on the weekend? Well, of course, there are a ton of other things we wish we could drown in. Personally, I have a tub filled with Plan B contraceptive, tequila and M&M's. If you see me at one of these spots, buy me a beer, I'm thirsty.

Haddington's is a great place to start for dinner, their menu makes my stomach growl. I've been there for happy hour, cocktail hour and every hour. Haddington's offers something I am dying to try, perhaps for a group dinner with some good ole' friends:  A whole animal roast! You may call and reserve a space for the Chef to prepare a five course meal of an entire pig, lamb or goat (prices vary).  This is a must try at Haddington's. They also have a great drink menu if you just want to pop in for a cocktail. Also, the valet guy is a doll, tip him generously. 



Courtesy of Eater Austin

Bar Illegal. Is there a more fitting place for a drunk Mexicana to unwind? Bar Illegal is the new installment on Rainey Street (it sits in Clive Bar's backyard) and will only serve handcrafted, small-batched Illegal Mezcal. Holy fuck! I foresee some drunk Spanglish ramblings in my future. The cozy 20 seat bar is said to give off the feeling of a traditional Mexican cantina. This might be true, but I remember when I was 18 going to Matamoros and getting sloppy in a Mexican cantina at a $12 all-you-can-drink hole in the wall. I have no recollection of what the place looked like, I vomited all night and had to be carried across the border. Guess I need to make sure I'm with a strapping young man just in case I need to be carried across Cesar Chavez.

Where else are you going to end up? The Yellow Jacket Social Club is one of my favorites. I know I have mentioned them before, but this really is a diamond on East 5th St. Their patio is badass, the bartenders are sweet as pie, and most importantly, they serve food until 1:30 am! Now, this isn't the usual boring, fried bar food, their shit is pretty good. You know I can't get enough meat, order the Charcuterie plate and a pint and you're set. They also have a delicious piloncillo cheese (Yellow Jacket Social Cheese), I am a fan of most anything mixed with piloncillo. Yes, please.

Please don't get pregnant this weekend, that sounds really expensive either way you handle it. If anyone out there is in to the whole animal roast, get at me, I want in! Oh, and watch your Mezcal intake if you're a Gringo, that shit will kill you. 

Happy Friday!

Hurts My Eyes

Dude has got some balls trolling around town in this get-up and those locks. This fellow doesn't live in Austin (shocking), I spoke to him briefly and he told me he was in town for "The Austin Limits Festival." Bless him. He is sporting an authentic Western wear button up, Western belt, snug girl jeans and Teva's. He's ready for the Foster the People show.

You know it's bad when the local, dirty hippies don't want to be associated with your ass. I saw him sit next to this girl on the bench, she looked over at him, then got up and moved over to a separate bench. How does one disgust bong water? 

P.S. I got a good whiff of him, he smelled like Irish Spring soap.

This makes me miss 1993 and hate fucking all at once.

$511

I recently parked on the street above at Eva St. & Gibson in South Austin. At the time, I didn't pay much attention to my position as it relates to the walkway, now I do. Apparently, I was semi-blocking the handicap ramp and was ticketed for it. Naturally, when one walks out to their car and sees a parking ticket, eye rolling ensues, nasty thoughts go out to the Meter Maid, and it's usually forgotten. Well, not this time. The parking ticket I received was the Mother of all parking tickets: $511. Yes, $511! After I picked the ticket off of my windshield, I gripped my chest, winced in pain, and dirtied my moomoo from collapsing on the curb. You have got to be kidding me.

I am not taking this lying down. Last week, I marched down to the Courthouse and tried to contest the ticket. Pretty much the gentleman says, "Good luck, lady. These rarely get thrown out unless you have proof you didn't park there." I wonder if he saw the dancing knife blades in my eyeballs? He was a little man. I left defeated.

This week, I decided I had to try again. The thought of giving that much money for a parking ticket, really has brought out the crazy Mexican lady in me. Yesterday, I went down to the Courthouse and spoke to a lovely lady in window #14. She said, "Girl, I can reduce this for you. Don't worry about a thing". She reduced it to half the amount and then told me, "You know, I'll give you a little piece of information. Don't pay for parking tickets."
"Excuse me?"
"..but only up to three. After three tickets, you're on their radar".
"Oh, shit."
Then she said, "except handicap tickets, you're kind of fucked."
I half smile, "Thanks".

Moral of the story is don't pay for parking tickets, and if you block a handicap ramp, be sure you go to window #14.

Welcome, ACL

It's that time. I've decided instead of cramming my jugs into that crowd this year, I am going to make some money, bitch needs to make some money. I will be bartending at one of the local South Congress bars so come find me. For many of you, enjoy ACL, get shit-faced, and see some decent music. 

Tonight, you're kind of screwed. Seeing Kanye West or Coldplay? Those are the options? Yuck. It's alright, I have a feeling there will be a ton of badass after parties and shows, you might have to blow some keyboardist to find out, but whatever gets you the info is key, I suppose. If you're out there this afternoon, I would go see Big Boi, that's a hilarious motherfucker. Fingers crossed he has some big asses up on stage with him shakin' it.

Saturday, I guess everyone really paid to see Stevie Wonder, right? That's cool. I like it. Other than that, Saturday to me seems like a bore (Cee Lo? My Morning Jacket? No, thank you). Unless, of course, you just want to eat some mushrooms, sweat your balls off and impregnate a hoola hooping hippie. That sounds like something I'd watch (and document).

Sunday of all the days, is the day to get it. Must see Mariachi El Bronx, I'm obsessed. They play at 12:30 pm, so get your ass out there. There are a couple other notables, like The Walkmen and Social Distortion  throughout the day. With the evenings cooling off, ending the night with Arcade Fire sounds like a nice Sunday.

There are going to be a ton of people coming to our little city this weekend, I say welcome! This is great for Austin. Clean up after yourselves, don't be an asshole, spend a lot of money, and have fun.

Bienvenidos!

12th & Chicon

I for one think this lady deserves an applause and a curtsy. She has taken the question, "Do you have any diseases?" and replied with, "What do you fucking think?" Letting dudes know from the get-go (or your friendly neighbor at HEB, as seen above) to enter at their own risk, is thoughtful and communicative. I hate yapping girls almost as much as I hate zany dudes, and this broad had eliminated the yapping and cut straight to the chase. "Yeah, you can fuck me, but your penis will look like an inflamed, three-legged creature spawned from 12th & Chicon tomorrow. You in to it?"

I thanked her for the head's up, then moved my produce aside as her partner kept hocking up a lung while reading his Life & Style Magazine. He's a dick. Not because he's reading tabloids, but because he's hiding his 12th & Chicon with those long shorts. Also, you are only allowed to wear those disgusting house slippers to the grocery store when you're at Stage 4 12th & Chicon, no sooner. Dick.

"InTaeMix"

My fucking people. You know, I try so hard to raise La Raza with my witty banter and dick jokes, then this degenerate decides to spray paint his Corolla, windows included, with some unintelligible pseudonym. Thanks, Tae. Thanks for weighing us down.

I'm thinking Tae is a Mexi-Asian, Tae Mata Rioja Rodriguez, to be exact. Poor Tae had Mexi-moobs at age 7, his delicate Korean blood couldn't take Dad's insistence on Mom making traditional comida, manteca (LARD) included. If you look closely, Tae's front driver seat is pushed all the way to the back, El Gordo needs leg room so his legs don't chafe when he's switching gears.

Thanks, Tae. Fucking disgrace.

Happy Anniversary, Mohawk!

The Mohawk announced today that it is celebrating their 5th Anniversary, September 29 - October 2, with four nights of music, food and the Champagne of Beers! Tickets will be available through Front Gate tickets  (http://mohawk.frontgatetickets.com) for each individual event, and discounted 4-day passes will be available for Mohawk fans and regulars. The preliminary schedule is as follows:

OUTSIDE STAGE SCHEDULE

Thursday, September 29th

LES SAVY FAV
TBA
+Johnny Hottub

Friday, September 30th

GRUPO FANTASMA
TBA

Saturday, October 1st

LUCERO
TBA

Sunday, September 29th

LOCALS ONLY (FREE)
TBA


Les Savy Fav!! Yes! Crazy Mexican lady front row and center.

Kiss the Animals

Donate! The lovely people at Austin Pets Alive are taking donations and volunteers for all the displaced animals from the wild fires in Bastrop and surrounding areas. You can stop by the their headquarters at: 2807 Manchaca Road to drop off dog bowls, food, toys, towels, or your time. Those cute little things always need some love and a long walk. If you are able to foster an animal, please go here:

http://www.austinpetsalive.org/get-involved/foster/

You may also donate online:

http://www.austinpetsalive.org/donate/


I'll be kissing those little faces this weekend, hope to see you all there.

Lola - Miss Austin companion and baddest bitch in town

Babe of the Week!

I hit the jackpot with this week's Babe. Not only is she cute as a button, but she's sassy and plays drums in a great band. She's my kind of gal. Erica is one of those really cool broads who, surprisingly, is single! Her last boyfriend must be kicking himself for letting her go. Gals like her don't stay single for long, that's for sure. Here's Erica:

Name: Erica Barton

Occupation: Full-time Event Planner/ Part-time Rocker

Single:  Yep

Age:  Thirty-Fun!

What is your dealbreaker?

Ignorance, jerks, junkies, meekers (meek people), neon colored clothing, deep v neck t-shirts, people who don’t like animals.

What is your dealmaker?

Kindness, intelligence, funnies, mustaches, MAN-ing up, assertiveness, you can even be a little bossy.....

What do you love most about Austin?

The beauty of the Hill Country, the swimming holes, the food, Alamo Drafthouse, the ability to see an awesome local rock show and/or an awesome big show like Loretta Lynn or the Stooges most nights of the week.

Where do you like to hangout? (so Miss Austin fans can stalk you)

In my above ground pool, at the grocery store, Home Depot, anywhere outdoors that I can go with my pups.  Seeing shows at the Scoot Inn, Beerland, the Mohawk, and fer drinkin’ (and some good eatin’) the Yellow Jacket!

I love old music videos, it’s a shame they aren’t what they used to be. Which old music video would you say speaks to you the most and why?

I love old country videos. I identify with Loretta, Dolly, and Tammy on just about everything.

Who do you feel most akin to: Bruce Springstein? Lyle Lovett? Freddy Fender? Charo? John Wayne?  Someone else? Why? 

Charro because she likes to shake that booty and she’s the only one without a penis.

Anything else we should know about you?  Fetishes? Arrest record? Bastard children?

My record is clean and I have no bastard children.  Fetishes…did I mention earlier it's okay if you’re a little bossy?  



Hunk of the Week!

I've said this before, I'm a sucker for strong hands and quality man hair. Our Hunk, Drew, takes pride in his man hair and I applaud him for it. Ladies, if you care to stalk Drew or throw your panties at him, you can usually find him at Clive Bar, that's where I found him. Check it:

Name: Drew Mersinger     

Occupation: Designer / Barkeeper

Single:    Yes      

Age: 28

What is your dealbreaker?

I'm pretty open to most things, even the occasional flatulence is ok in my book. But there are two main things I just can't deal with: Not being able to look me in the eyes, and, the inability to hold a decent conversation. If you talk to me at least give me the decency to look me straight in the eyes. And, if I have to hear another sentence on who won last night's round on American Idol again, I will fucking shoot myself.  

What is your dealmaker?

Its actually pretty simple ladies. If you look me in the eyes and for a brief moment I see the sweet curling of your lips, I’m done, I’m yours, you don’t need to say anything else because, in my mind, I'm jumping for joy.

What do you love most about Austin?

The great summer weather! No, it’s the people who make this city great.  I interact with so many people every night and I still find and learn something new.  To give you an example, I was just relaxing at the bar and who walks in but Dennis Quaid. He can actually tell a great story or two.  I’m always happy to see Austinites attitude towards things.

Where do you like to hangout?

Clive bar… one of my favorite spots in Austin for a drink and to just hang out.

I love old music videos, it’s a shame they aren’t what they used to be. Which old music video would you say speaks to you the most and why?

There are so many old music videos that are truly legen- wait for it- DARY, but the one that will always be on the top of my list would have the be Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen.  It is actually one of those things in life you really can't explain why, but I will still just rock out to the video and even sometimes rock out with white spandex on.

Who do you feel most akin to: Bruce Springstein? Lyle Lovett? Freddy Fender? Charo? John Wayne? Someone else? Why? 

Out of all the people you listed I am going to have to go with John Wayne.  Not just because I’m a movie buff and John Wayne fanatic, but mainly because the man had and still has a great presence about him.  A presence that I hope to achieve myself one day and I know that's going to be damn near impossible, but HEY a girl can dream.

Anything else we should know about you?  Fetishes? Arrest record? Bastard children?

I consider myself a nice guy.  Well, according to the world nice guys finish last and I have to say that is absolutely correct.  Since I’m not going to change, it's up to you world to get off your fat ass and put a little effort into changing.

However You Got Here, I'm Glad You're Here

Blogger is a little gem. There is a feature on here that lets me track how people get to my page by what keywords they search. This feature brings me a ton of joy and laughter on a daily basis. Thank you Miss Austin fans for being as weird and sick in the head as I am. Together, we make the world a better place. Here are some recent keyword searches for your pleasure:


People's noses after coke.   (Ah, "Do people still do cocaine?" is a oldie but goodie)
Rotten baby teeth pictures.   
I found toilet paper in my cocaine.  
Tits and everything.
Broken bra.
Ice in vagina.   (We should hang out)
Teeth rotted by coke.
Chingao.
Dude with fucked up teeth.
Mexican tits.   (Fuck yeah)
Hunk and Babe.
Bartles & Jaymes.
Bra doesn't fit.
Miss Austin ass.   (Fuck yeah, again)



So badass! You know what else warms my heart? The fact that my loud mouth is global. Today alone, I have had hits in:

United Kingdom
South Korea
Canada
India
Argentina
Germany
Malaysia
Sweden
Latvia
Japan


Although, where are my Mexicans? Surely someone in Mexico has a computer. Chingao.

Thanks for all the love, it just makes me want to keep yapping my big mouth.