Season's Change

Adios, 100 degree weather (I hope). October is approaching, cool weather on it's heels, and I am thrilled to not sweat through my shirt at 9 o'clock in the evening. As the weather starts to change and we swap out some of our summer duds for our fall clothing, I beg you to leave the following items in that dark box in the attic. Better yet, burn that shit. Don't donate this to the Salvation Army, or your crazy homeless man on the corner panhandling, burn it. I don't want to deny Crazy Joe on the corner of his usual dollar bill and titty flash just because he's wearing your old Uggs. Don't bring these trends back. Don't. Do. It.

Well, let's start at the highest female fashion crime: Uggs. Ladies, WHAT THE FUCK? I don't have to talk to you, I don't need to know your name or what you do for a living, it's all written all over your hideous animal hoof shoe. Ugg girls are a very distinct species, a species of unoriginality and yapping voices.

HAHAHA...wow fancy metallic Uggs, how vogue!

Highest Ugg crime. This honestly hurts mis ojos. These have to be the absolute strangest footwear I have ever seen. Ever.

Is it weird that uncircumcised boots freak me out more than uncircumcised penises? My attraction to these boots are a case by case basis, like uncircumcised penises.

Crushed velvet anything. The last time I wore crushed velvet, I got my ass groped at the 7th grade dance by a boy named Chris. That was the first time my virgin ass felt an awkward touch (there have been many more since). I liked it. On second thought, I want these pants.

Who is wearing this? Stop trying so hard, asshole. (Double wammy- crushed velvet turban).

 

Blue jeans are a critical item in one's wardrobe. A bad pair of jeans can throw you in to Lonelyville before you know it. Old folks, don't give up on your look because you're old and your body looks as if it's melting. If you have a saggy ass, buy saggy ass 501's that fit you properly. Don't buy your jeans at Kohl's. That's golden advice.

I don't want to just point out old people for giving up on their physical appearance, young dickheads are complicating jeans to no end. What the fuck is with all the embellishments? Rhinestones, graphics, forced tears are all no-no's. My favorite are the jeans that are pre-distressed in places where one wouldn't actually distress their jeans from normal wear and tear, like on your calf muscle, makes no sense. Some Vietnamese lady is fucking with the youth of the America with one simple sewing machine, I can hear her diabolical laugh now.

Unless you work at the Home Depot in the spray paint aisle, then this is a firm NO. Also, you shouldn't wear such a wide leg if you're 4'0", it screams tiny dick.

No.

"I'll take a Michelob Ultra."

This shape is only meant for large white ladies with freckles and offensive FUPA's.

"Austin is def not LA. Obvi."

Have fun with your fall fashion, but please Austin, don't break out the mittens and heavy scarves when it's only 60 degrees out. Patience. You'll be able to wear it all soon enough.