What I Learned From Friday Night

Dudes with earrings make me go soft. The worst offense: ear gauges. From the looks of it, he is obviously shit in bed. I envision him trying to be really dirty but it comes off real pansy-like. His authoritative voice telling me to do shit sounds more like he is ordering a skinny girl margarita with two straws for us to share. Nope. Not into it. Also, you know this dick is too concerned with planning his outfits for the weekend than fixing cars or building shit. Dudes, that's what we want, men who can fix shit. Not his and hers accessory drawers.

Secondly, I am in love with Justine's. The French 75 makes me shimmy and shake and wink at every dude in the bar. Sadly, my wink ends up looking more like a lemon seed is trapped in the corner of my eye, but hey, I try.




French 75: Gin, Champagne and Lemon (I substitute the Gin for Vodka. Yes!)


If you head to Justine's, give the bartenders a smooch for me, I love those dudes. I frequent Justine's quite a bit, you can probably find me on the patio with one of my sluts during the week, come by and say hi. I'll give you the lemon wink too.


Let's see what Saturday's got.


Justine's in located at:  4710 East 5th Street 78702.  http://justines1937.com/

Don't Hate Me

I'm sorry, I haven't been avoiding you. I have some projects in the works to be up soon. It doesn' t help that I have a drinking problem. I can't quit the sauce, and have a massive hangover at the moment. I love all of you, send me Halloween candy, I need it. Oh, and a bottle of tequila.

Coochie, coochie.

XO
M.A.

Yo Soy Lesbiana?

Who knew Kelly Kapowski hipster look-a-likes were in to hot tamales? It's a beautiful Friday, I'm getting my morning coffee on my way to work when I'm behind this lovely lady in her cute little floral number. She keeps turning around to look at me, I smile politely. She does that so many times, I start to feel really self-conscious like I forgot to put on my pants (I have this ongoing fear that I leave home without my pants). We both order our drinks, wait patiently for the "Order-up" yelp. Both of our drinks come up at the same time, Kelly and I are standing next to each other fixing up our shit when this broad brushes her arm up against my tit while reaching for her Sugar in the Raw. She smiles at me coyly, then I smile back at her. Oh shit! I'm a lesbian! I didn't object and I smiled back. Fuck, this weekend might be interesting.

Happy Friday!

BUI YAH KAH

Does anyone go to Barton Creek Mall? Why would you, right? That place is filled with nothing but shit stores and people walking around who look like they haven't walked anywhere in years. Is it just me, or do you get stuck behind a family of six with their mega-stroller in slow motion, who all insist on walking side by side and not yielding to other patrons on the walkway? That shit makes me so violent.

I do love the creeps who work the kiosks selling phony ponies, perfume, and skin products. Fuck, I felt so bad for one dude for having such a shit job. I was walking past, he offered a "sensual scent", I made a very unsensual face back to him, then he murmured something under his breath about me. I thought I heard him say I was a cocksucker, I could be wrong. Either way, I kind of fell in love with him at that moment.

Then, I came across this gem of a store: BUI YAH KAH. No shit! I almost pissed myself when I read that, then immediately tackled the fashions.

I was in BUI YAH KAH snapping photos and looking at the clothes. For a second, I honestly thought one of those Mexi-Chola-Asians was going to knife me. It was worth every minute.

Ok, the thing about this get-up isn't the obvious hideous nature of it, the funny thing about this is there is no way a gal that small is wearing a shirt like that. You know a bitch pushing 250 is squeezing her lonja in some skinny jeans and looking at you like, "What?!" All you see is a large shadow from her massive belly button underneath her white tank top. I love when you can see the shape of large belly buttons, makes me hungry.

The saving grace of my trip to BUI YAH KAH was that some teenager who was with his mom (I think, they could've been husband and wife, who knows) kept walking around pulling down the clothes to check out the racks on the mannequins. Good boy. I tried to corner him to ask him to be a Hunk of the Week to no avail.

BUI YAH KAH

Red Flags

Recently, I've been meeting quite the bunch of dudes who have provided great entertainment and nighttime fun for this little lady. Being single is hilarious. I'm not trying to be an asshole, I just want to guide dudes in the right direction. Well, lately I have had some doozies. These are some don'ts to hitting on girls or trying to impress girls to get in their pants:

I met this one dude who was very excited about some photos and wanted to show me some of his work. Great, I'm into it. I love shit like that. I gave him my email address and he emails me all of his images sideways. Oh shit, I got the giggles for hours. You mean to tell me with all the fucking technology we are living with today, you can't be bothered to rotate a photo 90 degrees? Two things, either you're too lazy to be bothered (No), or you don't know how to (Fail). C'mon, dude.

How many times can you say to me that you are in law school? I get it, you are really proud, as you should be. You're dedicating a dick ton of time and money to school but fuck, stop saying that. It's not making my panties drop to the floor, in fact, there is now a padlock around my waist and you do not have the combo.

Along those same lines, I met a dude who wanted to let me know his family has a lot of money. This fucker honestly said, "I'm rich." Gross. And, he said it more that once just in a different manner, "Well, my family is really wealthy." My blatant "not interested" facial expression was classic.

Lastly, this guy's an idiot, a lonely idiot, in fact. This dude was so obsessed with my ass or just asses in general, I suppose, that he would not stop talking about ass fucking and ass licking. Now, I'm no prude, as you all know, I can get into it, but Jesus your approach is all wrong. How can you blurt out a comment about ass fucking when it's 7 o'clock and I barely know you? My clothes are on, we're in public, and I'm sober. Bad, bad timing. No ass for you.


Dudes, please take this advice to heart, especially if you are aiming to get laid. The aforementioned scenarios are true stories with a sad, lonely ending. There was no unwrapping of a hot tamale husk, such a tragedy.

NO.

You have got to be fucking kidding me trying to get on my shit with that open sore on your mouth. Why would you ask out a chic while putting your herp simplex on display? Have some respect. Your ass needs to be quarantined in Buda or some shit. Take a long week off from life and interacting with the people because you are offending everyone, including me, that says a lot.

This is a big NO.

DEALBREAKER

This has to be one of the few things that can instantly induce a forceful gag reflex. Long, yellowish natural fingernails give me that stomach churn that can only be remedied with a shot of tequila, a blind fold and strong nail clippers. Let me clarify, long acrylic nails are just as hideous, but for some reason don't seem as unsanitary as above, they're just a red flag for poor taste.

Oh, fuck. Now, I know we can't always afford to go to the nail salon to get our feet scrubbed and shaped (although, I'm a firm believer in budgeting that $40 a month to get your shit right), but what the fuck? And, you can't even abort your love of the flop in favor of a covered option, like a sneaker? I have an idea, how about you not let everyone in town know you're are a trash can by parading around with your disease stumps. Just take the nail polish off and put a soap bar to these things. Yuck.

Dealbreaker!

Profile of a Thief

Never trust long cleavage. Any time I see a woman throwing this flesh in my face, I'm instantly suspicious. I hold on to my bag a little tighter, make sure I have my phone in my pocket, and check my fingers and wrists for all my jewels. The double whammy with this broad is she tries to distract you with her religious emblems. She thinks that piece she got at her local Fiesta market will cancel out the deception that lies in those chafing meat balloons. I'm on to you and my guard is up.

My mother called me in tears the other day because some asshole stole her wallet and ran up her credit cards. She was able to see the video footage of the incident. I asked her what the lady looked like, she made a motion like she was grabbing fat on her sides and said, "Ugh, es mucha lonja y chichi's es largo". (Lonja is slang for love handles, or muffin top). Oh shit, that gave me the giggles for days. She was so disgusted by that woman's long cleavage, she cursed something else in Spanish under her breath and zipped her purse forcefully.

Watch out for Long Cleavage and Lonja while you're out and about around town, those bitches can't be trusted, they'll take everything you've got.

(Just me, or does Lonja seem like a lovely name if not for the dreadful meaning?)

Tequila Is My Binky

Tequila makes my girdle want to shimmy and shake, especially on a Friday morning. She's a sassy lady with a sharp tongue who warms my rack with that familiar demon feeling I love so much. Have a nice glass on the rocks, don't fuck it up with lime or salt, just sip that shit and enjoy when your top comes off. Happy Friday!

Here are some of my favorites:

 

Espolon Silver is like water, and I'm just trying to stay hydrated on the daily. If I could somehow have this come out of my pipes so I could brush my teeth with it, shower with it, use it to make coffee, and put it in my dog's water bowl, my life would be complete. I'm working on that.

Mmmmm, Partida. Why does Partida make me want to put on my Mother's bra and dance around like a drunk abuelita? Partida Anejo is my go-to Anejo, it's aged in American oak one-pass Jack Daniels barrels which give it that color and intense flavor. Muy delicioso!

Casa Noble! The Silver is alright, great for margaritas, however, the Reposado and Anejo are where it's at. Sip it, don't be an idiot and shoot it, please. We will all slap you for being an idiot.

Other favorites of mine are Don Julio 1942 (fucking amazing), El Tesoro and Cazadores Reposado. If you aren't into sipping tequila, more in to margaritas, stick with the good shit. Don't make me want to vomit with that Jose Cuervo Gold mess, you'll be in for a world of pain the next day, that's for sure. Also, that's how abortions happen. I'm just sayin'.

Am I Turning You On?

I realize each person has their own thing, we are all freaks to some degree, but there are certain things a significant other can do that are not a turn on. Licking your own tit is one of those things. Dudes, quit asking for this shit. It's so awkward, funny yes, but awkward. The last thing I want to do when I'm naked with a dude is try to contort my body in the most sexually unappealing way. Yes, there is nothing hotter than that facial expression when one's neck is so strained you hear a slight grunt. The awkward extension of the tongue just to gently touch the eraser head. No. The only time this is acceptable is when a flapjack titty is involved. Flapjack's are so hideous and have given up on fucking that they'll do anything for a soft touch. Flapjack's are easy and flexible.

I am not a Flapjack.

Happy 10th Celeste's Best!

Yum. You all know I love to gnaw on a good steak every now and again, especially one that is floating in a pool of medium rare blood. (This is a good segway to vegan desserts....) There is one lovely lady in our city that has been making delicious vegan treats for 10 years and her shit is really good. Even as a non-vegan, I crave her desserts, that's pretty impressive. I am in love with her banana nut bread and peanut butter cups. If you haven't tried them, you should. Seriously. Not only can you purchase her goods in local coffeeshops and cafes, but Celeste's Best is launching a new vegan ready-to-bake cookie dough to be sold at local and regional grocery stores. Yes!

You can purchase Celeste's Best desserts at:

Hey Cupcake!

Cherrywood Coffeehouse

Domincan Joe's

Fair Bean Coffee

Monkey Nest Coffee

Monkey Wrench Bookstore

Spider House Cafe

Thunderbird Coffee

Or, visit her website:  http://www.celestes-best.com/

Happy Anniversary, Celeste! (Send me some shit)

I'm Pretty.

The only reason that statement is true is because I finally found a gal who knows what she's doing with her shears. The lovely Victoria Elbi at Hearts & Robots Salon knows her shit. She pretty much chopped my head off and upgraded it with a new and improved Mexican mane. Bless her for having the patience to tame it and do exactly as I requested. She is my new favorite lady, you need to check her out. Seriously.

Women's cuts start at $35, men's start at $25. The kicker is that if you ride your bike to the salon, or if you are a student, women's are $25, men's $20! I love that she is fucking amazing at what she does and isn't charging an arm and a leg. H & R also has local art on display for sale and prides themselves on recycling. All their furniture is recycled and they are in the process of finding a partner to recycle their left over hair.

Well, since Victoria is the shit and I am recommending her to you all, she has agreed to take an additional $5 of haircuts if you mention ME, and $10 off all other services over $50! Get it, people. When you see her, tell her hello and give her a big smooch for me.

Check out Hearts & Robots here: http://www.heartsandrobots.org/
512.828.7434
1401 Chestnut Ave.  Austin, TX  78702