Test Tube Baby

Last night I made the worst choice on the planet. I went downtown to Dirty 6th Street for a brief moment to meet a friend. Good Lord, that stretch of 6th Street should be burned to the ground, it is so obnoxious and filled with trash dumps masked as human beings. When I got out of my car, I went to pay for my parking at the station. As I am finishing my transaction, I hear a squeaky voice coming towards me. She taps me on the shoulder and asks, "Is that an ATM?" Pause. I am staring at her in awe. I look at the parking meter, then look back at her. Now I'm confused. I say, "No, this is a parking meter, not an ATM." I point to the big "P" on the side of the metal box. She smiles at me and says, "Oh! Are you sure?" I am so fascinated with her, I can't even speak, I just nod. She shrugs her shoulders and turns to walk off. Her sky high glitter heel gets stuck in the crack on the sidewalk, she stumbles and squeals as she walks off.

I love her. I need to see her again. I love that every metal box she sees she assumes is an ATM. I bet she gets real confused at the gym with all the lockers, or at the airport with all the metal boxes there. She just walks around trying to swipe her card in various slots. I want to hang out with her just so I can put her in a test tube to study. I would love to treat Test Tube Baby to a nice Holiday, I bet we'd be great travel buddies.

This girl might be the real Miss Austin. That bitch.

Paper Dudes

This past weekend I was in San Antonio visiting my nieces, Molly and Milla, ages 5 and 3, respectively. They are the sweetest little ladies on the planet with an eagerness to listen to every word that comes out of my big mouth. I am slowly molding each of them to become a mini Miss Austin so they can take over the empire after I inevitably get stabbed by a crazed fan. Hanging with these two is kind of stressful as I constantly find myself sweating trying not to swear, and searching for alternative, kid appropriate response to their inquiries.

They have one game they love to play with me, it's a classic, it's paper dolls. They dress their men and women and play house, pretty normal. They asked me to join in and dress mine. Molly hands me two of her dolls, Brad and Jake. "Tell us about Brad," she says. I say, "Well, I am going to be honest with you girls. Brad is not someone you want standing next to you. When you grow up, stay far away from the Brad's, ok?" They look at me terrified. I say, "Stick with the Jake's. Only Jake's. Just trust your Tia, ok?" They nod.

Here is what I told them:


JAKE



1. Meat Eaters Only Don't trust the others.
2. Loenard Cohen Voice of a man angel.
3. Andy Rooney Voice of reason.
4. Vik Muniz One of my favorite artists, you need a creative man.
5. Kurt Vonnegut You need a smart and creative man.
6. Mariachi's Pues, don't forget where you came from.
7. Bill Hicks Funny. He has to be funny.
8. Andrew WK Sometimes we have to get violent. He needs to look hot and sexy with a bloody face like Andrew WK.
9. Tits He must cherish and be loyal to a nice rack.
10. Handyman Men with tools is a Yes. If he doesn't have a tool box, red flag!
11. Hung like a you know what.
12., 13., and 14. Right Brainers Again, very sexy.
15. Vans Deal maker.
16. Lonestar Hiccup.
17. Shotgun Knows how to use it.
18. Tequila. Don Julio 1942, specifically. Good taste.
19. Tom Selleck Chest hair, yum.
20. Hot Tamales Has to love them.



BRAD




1. Vegan Shudder at the thought.
2. Stretch Hummer Why?
3. John Mayer HAHAHAHA
4. McDonald's He isn't shitting at my place.
5. I Heart Dallas He tells really bad jokes and is the only person laughing.
6. Drag Queen Tits He loves them and is constantly making pearl necklace jokes.
7. Black Eyed Peas Firm no. Hurts my brain. He lifts weights to this at the gym to get hype!
8. LOL Just stop.
9. Car Stereo Equipment What a massive waste of money to invest in your Mazda.
10. Man Jewelry This is especially funny when his fingers and neck turn green.
11. Inch Worm Dick This is unfortunate but get creative with that thing. Try other stuff, I suppose. This is a case by case basis.
12. Bud Light Chelada Fucking gross. Sounds like chum in a can.
13. Teva's HAHAHA. I just pissed myself.
14. Weird Toe Shoes HAHAHA. Still pissing.
15. Shorts-Pants This is a math problem I can't solve.
16. Shaving Body Hair Blasphemy. I hate you for it.
17. Critter Teeth You can't have his filthy mouth down below. Can you imagine what the outcome would be?
18. Keeping Up With the who the fuck cares? Pssst, you're a dude. Turn off E! Entertainment Television because I can't get hard knowing this is how you spend your time.
19. Shcool This is the most important, stay the fuck away from Shcool. Shcool dudes will rot your brain. You're better than that.


I hope I didn't scare them. I'm waiting for the "what the fuck is wrong with you" phone call from my brother any minute now.

FFF!!!

I am getting really excited for November, not only because I am dying for a cool breeze, but Fun Fun Fun Fest is happening Nov. 4-6 at Auditorium Shores. Let me just say, I am waaaay more excited for FFF Fest than Austin City Limits, for reasons like this:

  

and this:

I'm still pissed that Exene got to get all nasty with that hunk, Viggo Mortensen, and I haven't. I'll trip and fall on his face at some point in my life.


Most of all, I am so excited for this:

I hope that shit is going to be so loud, we blow the owl of the Frost Bank Tower. Tickets go on sale Monday, as well as, the announcement for the official line-up. This shit can't/won't/shouldn't be missed.

Shit, or Get Off the Pot!

Does it get more straightforward than that? This term can be applied to so many situations and make so much sense it will kind of blow your mind. Tonight, after the sun has set and all the Austinites are getting home from their day, take a look outside your window, you will see a wave of light bulbs going off across the city as they read this shit. Our little city will be like a beacon from outer space.



When I'm waiting in line to order my coffee: Shit, or get off the pot!
I only have a certain amount of time to get to work. If you can't decide on a latte, soy, two Splenda, cinnamon, blah blah blah vs. a chai tea latte, soy, two Splenda, cinnamon, blah blah blah, step aside. I want a fucking black coffee and I am getting violent listening to your high maintenance ordering.
SOGOTP!



Shut your lonely trap:  Shit, or get off the pot!
"I can't meet anyone in this city, I'm so lonely." Ladies, stand up straight, use those shoulders, put yourself out there. Don't be the meek gal in the corner giving off the "I hate fucking vibe." If your eyes say I hate fucking, chances are you hate fucking so you will be ignored. We all love fucking, now you're left out. I don't even want to talk to you.
Dudes, quit with the bitching that every cool girl has a boyfriend shit. I have an idea, quit being lazy and venture out past the two seedy bars you frequent and ask a girl out on a proper date already.
SOGOTP!



Stringing girls/guys along: Shit, or get off the pot!
Don't be a dick. If you have an overwhelming urge to partake in dubious activities, thus putting your partner at risk of acquiring bumps on their pretty lady/man parts without them being any wiser to your activities, you need to cut the cord. That's shitty. Be single or don't be.
SOGOTP!



Settling, in your job or otherwise: Shit, or get off the pot!
Never settle. Settling in any situation, regardless if you acknowledge it or not, will eventually burst in flames before your eyes. You hate your job? Get that fancy resume together and go get 'em. You don't know how the hell you ended up with such a manly woman as a girlfriend? Pull the plug. If you are going to settle, then you need to stop your bitching and get off the pot because I can't listen to it anymore.
SOGOTP!



You've been in college for how long? Shit, or get off the pot!
You started college at age 18. You are now 29. Jesus, get a fucking tutor for Comp 1, already. What exactly have you been doing for 11 years? I am speaking specifically to the undergraduate community on this one. At this point, I suppose you can't quit, that would be kind of dumb, but I would say if you've been in an undergraduate program for this long, 1) Quit fucking changing your major 2) Take more than 6 hours a semester, and 3) Think of a good story when asked why you have been in school for that long and have nothing to show for it because we are all thinking something is majorly wrong with you.
SOGOTP!

Shitty Tipper Exposed!!

How the hell are you going to go out on a Saturday night, spend $66.00 and tip the bartender $4.00? People like you, Sarah H., should not be allowed in bars or restaurants. I was at the Yellow Jacket Social Club last night and saw this gem. I hope to God the bartenders remember what this bitch looked like so she can forever get a short pour on her Skinny Girl Margarita and overcharged when it's time to tab out.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Critter Tooth Fucktard

You know what's really fucked up? When hot tamales get insulted by critter teeth motherfuckers in broad daylight.

I was minding my own business with some friends when this guy came up to me and starts chatting. I can chat with anyone, even dudes who look as if they have been brushing their teeth with a steel wool toothbrush and Mr. Pibb toothpaste, I'm not an asshole, that's fine. This guy wasn't even homeless, if that's what you're thinking, I saw him drive off in a Hyundai.

He asks me what I do, just like that, "What do you do?" I hate that question. I find it to be such a lazy, I'm not really interested in you, I am just asking this vague question to appease you bullshit. So I give him my generic response, "I work a day job ____, and I also write." Old Critter just starts laughing at me and murmurs, "Typical." When I heard that shit, I was all over his ass. I put my drink down, squared up to him directly, and said, "Yeah, I guess it is pretty typical to work for a living, brush my teeth properly every day, put a smile on my face and be kind to people. Perhaps, to be atypical I must walk up to strangers, frighten them with the middle finger I gave to hygiene at age 14 and hope to God someone will mistake my social inadequacy as charm." Oh, fuck. Old Critter is about to knock my teeth out, I just know it. I gotta get out of here. He tried to retaliate with some "Bitch" bullshit (who's typical now?) and lame insults. I kind of giggled and as I was leaving said, "Good luck getting some broad to sit on your face with those critter teeth, Old Critter."

I hope Old Critter doesn't know where I live.

Awesome!

Add this to the dealbreaker list:
Dudes who say "Awesome!" in the creepy, Godly way.

Saying "Awesome" in a normal jubilant, fun context is something relatable and it makes sense. "Last night was so fucking awesome, I lost my chones!" Or "I stumbled upon a Thin Lizzy cover band last night and they dedicated "Dancing in the Moonlight" to Miss Austin, that was fucking awwwwwesome!"

However, the weird church guys who use awesome in a judgemental, "He's watching you" tone make my skin crawl. "So, you protest women's rights too? Great! This is an awesome cause we're doing. Afterwards, we'll end up atop that awesome hill for trust exercises." Or "Wow, his message was awesome! Did you hear the story about not being tempted into tasting the sap?" (I've always tasted the sap, my friend).



Dealbreaker!

Girls in California need a friend

I have been in Los Angeles since Thursday and have had a great time sucking in the weather and scenery. Goddamn, the only cool thing LA has is the weather. I have been staying at The Standard, which overall is a good hotel, a bit pretentious lobby, but makes up for it with mirrors in the shower, lots of mirrors. I like.

So, I have been out to a few bars and I have met, not one, but two gals who have tried to get me to move here because "It's really hard to find cool, honest people out here, especially girlfriends."  These girls don't want to fuck me, their dudes might, but they just want a girl to hang out with. It's kind of sad and has really made me miss my fun lady friends in Austin and appreciate the abundance of interesting and cool people we have in our lil' state.

Sure, LA has this great weather but I wouldn't trade all the rad shit in Austin for it. I'll keep sweating in 100 degrees, playing in the swimming holes, and eating, because you know no one fucking eats out here. AND, I heard some crazy statistic like 1 in 4 people have herpes in LA. I don't know what the statistic is in Austin, but I have a feeling you're more likely to fall in love with a taco truck than get a open sore on your shy parts.

I'll be home tomorrow, Texas. Miss you and love you.

Well, Hello California

Miss Austin has grabbed her hat box and flask and headed out west. The weather is beautiful here in Los Angeles but the people are still shit. I'll report back with tales of overpriced cocktails and over-manicured men and women shortly.

Happy 2nd Liberty!

One of my favorite places to grab a bar stool and jam copious amounts of liquor down my throat is two year's old! The Liberty (1618 1/2 E. 6th St.) is having their second anniversary party tonight. Come and get it!

There will be a limited amount of BBQ from Live Oak BBQ, as well as, beer and liquor promotions throughout the night. Ben Blackout will be DJing until 10pm.

I know it's a school night, but you don't want to miss out.


See you there!

I Lay Before You

I kind of embarrassed myself this weekend. Shocker. Saturday night I was out and about with some friends on S. Congress and I stumbled upon a nice, young guitar player named Trent Turner. At first I wasn't too phased by his skills, yes, he was good, but his forte was the Blues and I'm not really into the Blues. Anyway, we grab drinks and sit to chill under some trees. The night is cooling off and we're having a good time. Trent Turner has a loyal following as we were surrounded by a large group of people enjoying the show. I was having fun as it provided good background music to our banter. Let's face it, I'm a fan of any loud music that drowns out my shrill of a voice so fellow patrons can't eavesdrop into my conversation.

After a few margaritas I look up and notice Trent Turner start to play the guitar with his tongue in the most sexually overt manner. You know when you were a kid watching Tom & Jerry and Tom would see some hot, sexy harlot, his heart would start pounding out of his chest and his eyeballs popped out with hearts as his pupils? Well, that was me when I saw this (speed up to 1:55 mark):

Will you marry me?

Oh shit, now I'm fucking into this show. I get so mesmerized by this, it seems my margaritas are going down in one teeny sip (never good) and I start staring at him like I am about to eat his shit for dinner. As the sun sets and my balls get bigger, I decide to make a statement to Mr. Turner. Towards the end of his set, I decide to get up, go to the front of the stage and just lay down right in front of him during his tonguing rendition of The Rolling Stones, "Miss You". Just lay down. Real subtle.

What makes this scene funnier is there are people dancing around me, kicking up dirt, having a great time. No one cares about the crazy lady on the ground hoping to secretly slip the guitar out of Mr. Turner's hands and replace it with a sizzling, hot tamale lady. That didn't happen.

All that did end up happening was I had to go home and change my clothes because I was covered in dirt and cigarette butts.

If someone has a photo of a lady who looks like she passed out in front of a stage, face up, gripping a margarita, please send it to me, I need a record of this.

Why so Serious?

I've been out and about lately, enjoying this pleasant 100 degree weather and have been getting some entertaining feedback regarding Miss Austin.  Most people I meet are enjoying the shit I spew (thank you), some people think I am a bit "too honest" (what's wrong with that?), and some people have a sense of fucking humor and get it (thanks, again).

On the other hand, I have gotten some feedback that is less favorable, which completely makes my day. I've heard, you're "mean" (HA), "too bold" (HA) and my personal favorite, "really horny" (HAHA).  First of all, this makes me grin from ear to ear as I thought from the beginning Miss Austin will be a hit when I have people who hate me, and when I get sued. Yes! I am well on my way to losing everything I fucking own because of some dick joke. Thank you.

For the people I have offended (HA), I have an idea, take a fucking joke. Do I really have to say this? If you want PG shit, you're not going to find it here for good reason. We're all adults here, quit being a moron.

XX
Miss A.

A New Lady Store is Always Good News

I love a fancy lady. I particularly love when a fancy lady opens up a fun new store. The effortlessly gorgeous and fun Emily Antonetti-Elford has opened up a shop on S. Lamar called Filin. She has new and vintage gems for your pleasure. Ladies, check it out.

That sweet as pie Emily gave me a Lonestar while I was browsing, she knows what she's doing. Filin is located next to Aviary, 2110 South Lamar suite E 78704. They are having their Grand Opening next Friday, July 15 · 7:00pm - 10:00pm. There will be Dos XX and Tito's to quench that shopping thirst. Get it.

The Hangover Bible

For the past two weekends I have been careless with my drinking routine. It feels like I haven't had a hangover in years, now all of a sudden I'm down for the count. I think my dog thought I was dead yesterday morning because I woke up to her licking my face while still in my swimsuit from the previous night swim. Mess. Just a mess.

Yesterday I spent the greater half of the day concocting my own hangover remedies, some are pretty impressive and some are gag-worthy (which might be good to yack the demon out of you). I recommend feeling out a few to find your mate.

PediaTits
This combination of Pedialyte and Titos vodka is the perfect match.
12 oz. glass of Orange flavor Pedialyte on ice
2 oz. shot of Titos vodka
Garnish with a orange slice.

The Bubbly Russian
2 Alka Seltzer tablets (3-4 if you are on death's door)
2 oz. vodka of choice
1 oz. Kahlua
splash of cream
Serve over ice and garnish with a chocolate straw.

Pep-O-Jerry
I have cringe worthy memories of being ill as a child and having to take a gulp of Pepto. Just smelling it makes me want to hurl. The Pep-O-Jerry isn't for the weak at heart, but it'll make you bounce back in no time.
3 cap fulls of Pepto
2 shots of Sailor Jerry Rum
Serve in a lowball glass with gumballs instead of ice.

Snowchilada

This might have to be a staple every weekend morning.

Finely grind up 2 Advil, 2 Tylenol, 2 Excedrin

Frosty mug with a spicy celery salt rim

12 oz beer of choice

10 dashes of Tabasco sauce

3 tbs bloody mary mix

Combine all and garnish with 4 rings of pickled jalapenos.

Emetrol Wine Spritzer
2 tbs Emetrol
5 oz. Yellow Tail Cabernet (cheaper the better, don't get all fancy on me when you're just gonna regurgitate it in you toilet).
3 oz Topo Chico
Server over ice and garnish with a Maraschino Cherry

These all seem like concoctions that would get you feeling back to tip-top shape by mid-afternoon. If you're put off by these drinks, I get it, perhaps try these options:


Order a chorizo and egg taco from Torchy's with chips and queso. Don't share that shit. This is an order for one. Dip that taco in the queso then toss those chips aside. Get your face in there and just drink it like you drank your shit the night before. That'll teach you.

Ok, time to get personal. Take that time in the shower or first thing waking up and have a good wank session. If you want to speed up the recovery, dudes, chug a Gatorade right before gettin' at it. Ladies, just pour a glass on your vagina, why not? That seems logical. The combination of the two is a surefire cure.

Lastly, put on them tennies and hit the trail. I know it's fucking hot out but that will work to your advantage, expediting your hurl. Please be sure to grab one of those doggie poop bags to clean up your vomit (because you will vomit there), let's keep our lakes and rivers clean.


You're welcome.