Paper Dudes

This past weekend I was in San Antonio visiting my nieces, Molly and Milla, ages 5 and 3, respectively. They are the sweetest little ladies on the planet with an eagerness to listen to every word that comes out of my big mouth. I am slowly molding each of them to become a mini Miss Austin so they can take over the empire after I inevitably get stabbed by a crazed fan. Hanging with these two is kind of stressful as I constantly find myself sweating trying not to swear, and searching for alternative, kid appropriate response to their inquiries.

They have one game they love to play with me, it's a classic, it's paper dolls. They dress their men and women and play house, pretty normal. They asked me to join in and dress mine. Molly hands me two of her dolls, Brad and Jake. "Tell us about Brad," she says. I say, "Well, I am going to be honest with you girls. Brad is not someone you want standing next to you. When you grow up, stay far away from the Brad's, ok?" They look at me terrified. I say, "Stick with the Jake's. Only Jake's. Just trust your Tia, ok?" They nod.

Here is what I told them:


JAKE



1. Meat Eaters Only Don't trust the others.
2. Loenard Cohen Voice of a man angel.
3. Andy Rooney Voice of reason.
4. Vik Muniz One of my favorite artists, you need a creative man.
5. Kurt Vonnegut You need a smart and creative man.
6. Mariachi's Pues, don't forget where you came from.
7. Bill Hicks Funny. He has to be funny.
8. Andrew WK Sometimes we have to get violent. He needs to look hot and sexy with a bloody face like Andrew WK.
9. Tits He must cherish and be loyal to a nice rack.
10. Handyman Men with tools is a Yes. If he doesn't have a tool box, red flag!
11. Hung like a you know what.
12., 13., and 14. Right Brainers Again, very sexy.
15. Vans Deal maker.
16. Lonestar Hiccup.
17. Shotgun Knows how to use it.
18. Tequila. Don Julio 1942, specifically. Good taste.
19. Tom Selleck Chest hair, yum.
20. Hot Tamales Has to love them.



BRAD




1. Vegan Shudder at the thought.
2. Stretch Hummer Why?
3. John Mayer HAHAHAHA
4. McDonald's He isn't shitting at my place.
5. I Heart Dallas He tells really bad jokes and is the only person laughing.
6. Drag Queen Tits He loves them and is constantly making pearl necklace jokes.
7. Black Eyed Peas Firm no. Hurts my brain. He lifts weights to this at the gym to get hype!
8. LOL Just stop.
9. Car Stereo Equipment What a massive waste of money to invest in your Mazda.
10. Man Jewelry This is especially funny when his fingers and neck turn green.
11. Inch Worm Dick This is unfortunate but get creative with that thing. Try other stuff, I suppose. This is a case by case basis.
12. Bud Light Chelada Fucking gross. Sounds like chum in a can.
13. Teva's HAHAHA. I just pissed myself.
14. Weird Toe Shoes HAHAHA. Still pissing.
15. Shorts-Pants This is a math problem I can't solve.
16. Shaving Body Hair Blasphemy. I hate you for it.
17. Critter Teeth You can't have his filthy mouth down below. Can you imagine what the outcome would be?
18. Keeping Up With the who the fuck cares? Pssst, you're a dude. Turn off E! Entertainment Television because I can't get hard knowing this is how you spend your time.
19. Shcool This is the most important, stay the fuck away from Shcool. Shcool dudes will rot your brain. You're better than that.


I hope I didn't scare them. I'm waiting for the "what the fuck is wrong with you" phone call from my brother any minute now.