The Hangover Bible

For the past two weekends I have been careless with my drinking routine. It feels like I haven't had a hangover in years, now all of a sudden I'm down for the count. I think my dog thought I was dead yesterday morning because I woke up to her licking my face while still in my swimsuit from the previous night swim. Mess. Just a mess.

Yesterday I spent the greater half of the day concocting my own hangover remedies, some are pretty impressive and some are gag-worthy (which might be good to yack the demon out of you). I recommend feeling out a few to find your mate.

PediaTits
This combination of Pedialyte and Titos vodka is the perfect match.
12 oz. glass of Orange flavor Pedialyte on ice
2 oz. shot of Titos vodka
Garnish with a orange slice.

The Bubbly Russian
2 Alka Seltzer tablets (3-4 if you are on death's door)
2 oz. vodka of choice
1 oz. Kahlua
splash of cream
Serve over ice and garnish with a chocolate straw.

Pep-O-Jerry
I have cringe worthy memories of being ill as a child and having to take a gulp of Pepto. Just smelling it makes me want to hurl. The Pep-O-Jerry isn't for the weak at heart, but it'll make you bounce back in no time.
3 cap fulls of Pepto
2 shots of Sailor Jerry Rum
Serve in a lowball glass with gumballs instead of ice.

Snowchilada

This might have to be a staple every weekend morning.

Finely grind up 2 Advil, 2 Tylenol, 2 Excedrin

Frosty mug with a spicy celery salt rim

12 oz beer of choice

10 dashes of Tabasco sauce

3 tbs bloody mary mix

Combine all and garnish with 4 rings of pickled jalapenos.

Emetrol Wine Spritzer
2 tbs Emetrol
5 oz. Yellow Tail Cabernet (cheaper the better, don't get all fancy on me when you're just gonna regurgitate it in you toilet).
3 oz Topo Chico
Server over ice and garnish with a Maraschino Cherry

These all seem like concoctions that would get you feeling back to tip-top shape by mid-afternoon. If you're put off by these drinks, I get it, perhaps try these options:


Order a chorizo and egg taco from Torchy's with chips and queso. Don't share that shit. This is an order for one. Dip that taco in the queso then toss those chips aside. Get your face in there and just drink it like you drank your shit the night before. That'll teach you.

Ok, time to get personal. Take that time in the shower or first thing waking up and have a good wank session. If you want to speed up the recovery, dudes, chug a Gatorade right before gettin' at it. Ladies, just pour a glass on your vagina, why not? That seems logical. The combination of the two is a surefire cure.

Lastly, put on them tennies and hit the trail. I know it's fucking hot out but that will work to your advantage, expediting your hurl. Please be sure to grab one of those doggie poop bags to clean up your vomit (because you will vomit there), let's keep our lakes and rivers clean.


You're welcome.