Austin - Making it the Most Ideal City One Campfire at a Time

Cue a sensual bass line...

This little number goes out to all the women after me. I'm dedicating this with an R. Kelly finger kiss to the sky and a slight sentimental head tilt. Ladies in Austin, San Antonio, Denton, and New York City - all the places I've lived - you're welcome. Why? Because throughout time, I've obeyed the rule, the rule that should be on your mind when you unsnap that brassiere. The rule that commands the respect of all woman and mankind - leave the campfire better than you found it. This is a rule we all need to abide, and I do it with pride. You are getting it good because of me, and I am getting it better because of you. Look at our vaginas high-fiving each other! Man, we are curing global issues here.

This sort of kindness is what makes for ideal living. Can we agree that Austin is the raddest place to live? Yes, we can. Can you imagine if everyone in our little city was a 10 in bed? Holy shit! Now, if you are not participating in the camp fire rule, you need to get the fuck out of Austin. I will not have you. You need to go to Dallas or Midland or some shit where mediocrity and lazy fucking is accepted. Let's all shotgun a Lonestar, and shake on it that we are all going to coach a dude or lady when he or she goes astray, ok? Bad kissers be gone, mousy lays be gone, bad blowies be gone. All GONE.

Now, this isn't just a chest bump to the keepers of the fire, but also the Boy Scouts who are so willing to learn. You get a new fleshlight patch for being part of the team, and passing your new skills along. Way to be! I will say, let's be reminded to leave your ego deep in the woods, don't get offended when someone gives you a tap on the shoulder. No, give them a wink and a eskimo kiss for their thoughtfulness and caring about Austin so much.  Deal? Deal.

Can we pass this message along to all? If I need to take out a page in the Statesman to teach some uptighters, then so be it. Hey, let's even include North Austin. If you live north of 183, you are part of the team too. Let's not let highways divide us. Let's all participate in the camp fire rule even if you're kicking it at Chuy's North.

Camping is fun.