Happy St. Patrick's Day, I Guess.

I could write a Happy St. Patrick's Day piece here but I thought, nah, why write something new when I can repost last year's St. Paddy's shame. It's the same shit. You know this is happening right now downtown, and it's a nightmare filled with a bunch of non-Irish assholes hootin-and-hollerin', pissing on the streets, and trying to spread their cold sores. Maybe I'm just feeling SXSW pangs of exhaustion, so I'm a little grumpy, but let's take a walk down memory lane anyway.


March 18, 2012
What a non-Irish shit show. After the SXSW fun at the Jackalope yesterday, I was walking down the dirtiest of Sixth Street (that's all of Sixth, mind you) and came across too many fucking morons to count all celebrating St. Patrick's Day. I loathe St. Patrick's kooky wear. People pull together the most eye bleeding ensemble, then troll downtown littering our pristine streets. The funny thing I noticed is that my people (La Raza) aren't dressed up with green feather boas, and wacky green socks. Nope. This is a gringo specific activity. Even when it's Cinco de Mayo, or Mexican Independence Day, we keep our shit in a margarita glass. Sure, we get a little rowdy, but at least you won't trip on a curb when you're neck is being whipped back because of some dude in a green thong screaming, "Kiss me, I'm Irish!" No, you're not. You're Polish.

I told this guy he couldn't use the bus as part of his St. Patrick's ensemble, that's cheating. He then tried to put on his plastic hat over his sunglasses, numerous times. Also, his vodka shirt gave away his non-Irish blood.

I would love to jump in on their conversation.

Wow. 1995 non-Irish. "I'm fucking so hard tonight."

(not sure what that means, so many interpretations)

Mom and Dad non-Irish, or UT undergrad non-Irish? Could go either way.

Elf non-Irish? Think he played on the patio of Wendy's on 6th and I35.

These two non-Irish just hauled ass from Barton Creek Mall. I think they both wanted to punch me in the face for taking their photo.

Ms. Merchandise non-Irish. Way to step it up, lady.

What the fuck is going on here? What are these things? This isn't even ok for non-Irish strippers.

Ugh. This non-Irish couple just made sick. I think it was that dudes pants and flops.

Now, this motherfucker is Irish!

I can't make this shit up. This was one of those hold-my-camera-up-and-hope-I-get-a-shot moments, and boy, did I. There are too many non-Irish things happening in this shot of a lifetime. From my Jewish New York cousin in the thong with his nasty, dirty ass crack, to the gay/straight dude palming his junk, to the white MC smoking a blunt, and the wigger on the right who said, "This is so muthafuckin' tight and dope, yo."
And, finally I got him! The only Irish dude I found on Sixth Street yesterday was the guy at the bottom who looks like he was being held against his will. I tried to free him, but it was like our fingers couldn't grasp one another. I think he started crying. I kind of did too.