My First Communion

This shit.

"Hi, I'm here to get my daughter's photo taken for her First Communion."

"....."

"Do you have any other veils she could try on? I'm not sure this one is staying on her head."

"Ma'am, this is Sears, we don't have veils for children."

I remember this photo experience so vividly. Welcome to My Catholic Life in San Antonio, Texas. In this episode, mom douses little tomboy in holy water, feathers her unfortunate hair, dresses her up in a starched, lacey, borderline inappropriate number, and drags her ass to Sears to make some holy memories.

I put this dress on and instantly felt like the lace was going to burn off my skin. It was itchy, uncomfortable, and everything I hated about girly clothes, which is why the lovely collar is stretched out. I was pulling on it relentlessly and grunting throughout the entire Sears experience. And, thanks to my mother jabbing those odd veil prongs on the side of my head to make my virginal veil stay put, I have had to deal with a lifelong issue of Big Head.

I will give my mother credit for trying her best. She put that nice pearl cross around my neck, perfectly placed my holy first communion pin on my lace bib, and added a dab chapstick to my lips to bring the whole look together. Don't I look sweet? Maybe a little twisted? I look at that face, and it makes me laugh. Mainly, because I know what I was thinking then and what I think now are pretty much the same, save for a few more expletives then. I'm much more demure now. 

I kind of miss that show, it was a short lived series, with a ton of hijinks. You know, I think there is a follow up coming out, Fallen Catholic in Austin, TX, but it's only being shown on Cinemax, so call your local cable provider. Or, call me, I know a dude that can hook up your cable for $50 flat - one time fee. No joke.