One Napkin?

You know, of the mountain of knowledge and high-handed opinions housed in my big head under my big wig, there are a few things I'm certain of. Hunks and Babes are a given, I was appointed an expert on that many moons ago. What else? Who can forget my Dickdar? That's a gift. What else? Well, I believe vegetarians to be bad in bed. Hear me out...

It's true. There are two kinds of vegetarians: Fat Veggies and Neat Veggies, you can't be both. Fat Veggies are skinny-fat people who walk on the treadmill at the slowest possible speed on a steep incline, hanging on the top handle bar for support as to ensure there isn't a whole lot of actual working-out happening. French fries, fried zuchini, and ranch dressing are all staples in this diet. There's a thin layer of peanut oil on their skin, and their breath is like rancid Lipton tea.

Neat Veggies, on the other hand, are killing the environment with all their mini plastic snack bags filled with baby carrots. Don't you feel like Neat Veggies are scared to use more than one napkin? I don't trust any man who only uses one napkin during a meal. You get your face in that dinner plate and go for it. I want to see the same effort in bed. I actually have a napkin dispenser on my night stand that I stole from Fran's.

Think about it, both are a shit show in bed. Who wants some greasy french fry sliding up and down them messing up their sheets? No one. Who wants some moist towelette motherfucker trying to get all nasty in bed with his soft hands? He just chopped his carrots, now he's brushing his teeth with some chalk toothpaste. No, thank you.

I will say that vegans do not apply to this rule. Vegans are just as dirty in bed as meat-eaters. This is because vegans aren't lazy, and most are a bit wacky. It takes a lot of thought and planning to follow a vegan diet. This same effort is applied in bed. The attention to detail is met, there are plenty of swipes coming from the Fran's napkin dispenser, and home dude has a great attitude. I can dig it.

If I said it once, I've said it a thousand times, give me MEAT. If I can't get meat, then give me a wacky vegan.

This is my introduction to Austin Restaurant Week. Let's eat!