New York City is Such a Temptress

I have been out of the loop for a hot minute. I took a little time in New York City, came back with a few lessons, lessons that are only experienced in the bowels of the city where no one gives a shit about a mouthy brown girl. Where brown girls are Italian or Puerto Rican, definitely not Mexican. There are about 5 Mexicans in New York City and they all live in Bushwick making churros in their basement apartments to sell on the platforms (mmmmmm, churros). Those 5 don't have tits, they don't have a loud mouth, and they certainly don't have the gift of disguising a flask, a pack of smokes, money, an ID, Metro Card, and an umbrella in their bra like this dame can. Beat that shit.


This is what I know about NYC:

1. When you have a rat run across your feet, not once, but twice in one day, shit's looking up! I had a dirty vermin do that as I was entering and exiting the subway in one day, I immediately bought a lottery ticket. I didn't win. I thought for sure that was a sign of good fortune. We'll see if that pans out.

2. When you purchase food at 3:00 am from a coffee shop/pizzeria/seafood house/fried chicken/ice cream parlor, shit's about to get real shitty.

3. Being fleeced into thinking you are purchasing an affordable meal, then getting your bill and realizing that cunt waitress sold you on some shit without letting you know you would now pay $30 for a fucking hamburger. Asshole. Everyone's trying to fuck you.

4. Yuengling is the BEST beer. Done.

5. The style of super tight mini dresses with sky high heels is so boring and overdone. Saving grace: watching broads bite it left and right on the cobblestone streets. The squeals alone are priceless.

6. Queens is nothing like the Queens in "Coming to America". It's actually quite pleasant. Sadly, there is no McDowell's.

7. Polish New Yorkers are the worst dressers on the planet, but the nicest drunks. They have pretty good beer too (Tyskie!).

8. I will stab someone for an "everything" bagel. Just as I would stab someone for a chorizo and egg taco.

9. Saying "Y'all" in New York City will get you a dick ton of free shit. Pair that with a wink and "Thaaank Yoooou" southern drawl, and it's the cheapest vacation on the planet.

10. Ordering "Texas-Style Queso" in New York City is such a disgrace, it will make you violent. Ball park cheese mixed with sour cream was enough for me to get the hell out of there.



Austin, I love you.