Duchiko Dreams

"Happy Birthday, Mom! I want to take you out to one of my favorite places to celebrate."

"Aye, Mija, that's sweet, I'd love to. That Duchiko place?"

"Yes, Duchiko."

Plans are set. I'm drooling. Reservation is made. Guess who steps in and thwarts my thoughtful dinner plans? He's baaaack..... Uncle Tio. For those of you who don't remember, or who don't know my Uncle Uncle, please allow me the honor of introducing my alcohol induced narcoleptic, Uncle Tio himself:

Much to my chagrin, my father, being the sweet man he is, extends the invitation to Uncle Uncle, who then invites his girlfriend (Pura Basura, as my father lovingly calls her), and 5 other family members (fucking Mexicans, just say it). I am not taking Pura Basura and Uncle Uncle to Duchiko, no way. Mortifying. So I suggest other options. Silence.

Uncle Tio, "What about Los Lobster Fest?"

Oh, dear God. I know where this is going. 

My father, "Lobster sounds good, chingao."

No. 

Thirty minutes later I am at the Red Lobster in San Marcos. I had to drive to meet them halfway as they all live in San Antonio. 

"Happy Birthday, Mom." I say in the most down-and-out, sad, someone ran over my dog tone possible. 

Ok, yes those cheese biscuits are fucking amazing. That is until you look over at the table next to you and you see a real life version of "My 600 lb. Life". That shit will make you crush up laxatives in your iced tea on the spot (not that I did that). My father orders.

"A iced tea, por favor, con lemon."

The waitress, bless her, goes to get our drinks. 

She puts down his tea and a side of limes. 

"Oh, no no, lemon por favor."

As his accent is thick, she thinks he is saying limon, which she translates to lime. I get it, that's correct. 

She nods and brings back more limes. 

"Pues, she no hear, chingao?"

I kind of let this go on too long perhaps because that shit is funny. I step in to save that poor waitress. 

We eat. Uncle Uncle has a LobsterRita, then passes out with his little lobster fork in hand. Pura Basura finishes his meal. Mom has a birthday dessert that will give you diabetes instantly with a birthday candle in it. We pay and leave. 

You know, overall Lobster Fest isn't really a fest. It should be referred to as Drawn Butter Fest actually, shit is rich. I missed out on Duchiko last week, bet your sweet ass I'll be there this weekend. I have Duchiko dreams.