I have spent a fair amount of time in each city, wondering around, eating shit, talking shit, and shootin' the shit. All of this shit pretty much makes me an expert. Yep, I know the in's and out's. This is my take on why Austin is so rad, LA will leave you with bumps, and New York wanting you to sedate yourself.
Los Angeles
Pros
Beaches, palm trees, weather. Obviously.
Cons
Actors, traffic, actors, SoCal style, herpes, the general population, actors.
Oh hey, look at those pretty palm trees! Yes, LA has the beaches and not all of the views of pretty palm trees are flanked with billboards of the next ABC series starring Mayim Bialik or some shit, but this is what most of LA looks like, and it's filthy. I do enjoy the weather, ah yes the weather. It's perpetually 75 degrees, which is nice, but man you have to pay for that piper. If I lived in LA, I would be celibate. Isn't the ratio of women with herpes 1 in 5, generally? So, I would guess 5 out of 5 people in LA have the bumps. Yep, there is a 100% chance you will have to swallow Valtrex on the daily. This is just what I've heard.
The biggest con is everyone is a goddamn actor. The problem I have with actors is they're all liars. Everyone is trying to out lie the other. I've seen and heard some ruthless and crazy shit. A common statement in LA is, "Wow, she is just a genuine person." Wow! Shocking! There are genuine people in Los Angeles? I think not. That person is lying. LA is a pretty palm tree covered in smog, drag queen tits, and methamphetamine lipstick.
New York City
Pros
Food, culture, shopping, Brooklyn, the Subway, the Crazies.
Cons
Cost of living, New Jersey, the Subway, Cancer, Exhaustion, the Crazies.
I can't bash too hard on NYC, I had a great love affair with her, but man, she can chew people up and spit them out without thinking twice. This didn't happen to me, I conquered that bitch. By conquered, I mean I was able to find a job, support myself, and get drunk. What does NYC have that no one can touch? All the culture, of course. Food you never knew existed, languages you have never heard, and art at every corner. So many creatives in NYC. For those qualities, I tip my abuelita visor.
What is it about NYC that will knock you on your ass? Well, there is the fact that a 6 pack of beer in Manhattan can cost almost $20, rent for the square footage is laughable, and every thing is so fucking exhausting. Just walking behind a flock of people every where you go is exhausting. Forget personal space. You find yourself just searching for a quiet tree, just one quiet tree to sit under. Also, I am convinced the filthy streets of NYC will give you cancer. There is so much vomit, piss, puss, feces floating around everywhere, it's hard to escape. Somehow it just gets washed away with a hose that ends up in the water system. Shit, I've filled up my reusable cup hundreds of times with cancer water. Dammit!
P.S. I love Brooklyn.
Austin
Pros
Abundance of patios, Greenbelt, swimmin' holes, art, small businesses, music, close proximity to the Hill Country, alcohol involved with every activity, Town Lake, cost of living, the people. Ok, let's just say everything.
Cons
North Austin.
Ah, my beloved Austin with her sweet, sweet tits. I think we are all in agreement how pretty and sexy she is, right? Austin is the diamond in Texas amidst the cubic zirconias. What makes Austin what it is, you ask? Above all the patios filled with good times and clinking glasses, SXSW, and night swimmin', has to be the people. Yes, all of you. Sure, there are some bad apples here and there, but don't you feel like Austin is a little utopia? I do. I feel like you all have my back, as I have yours. Let's keep it that way, huh?
Besos to all of you.
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