Mom Knows Best, Dad Knows Chingao

Chingao (ChEEn-GOW):  Fucked up. Fucked. Damn it.  Used as an exclamation of suprise, lament, or as a basic gap filler.

Some of the best advice and one-liners I have had the pleasure of hearing, have come solely from my parents. Throughout my life, my parents cultural differences with The Gringo's have made me laugh with their take on everything from realtionships to grocery shopping. First off, my dad is hands down the funniest person I know (obviously where I get my funnies). Picture a cute, manly Mexican man with a thick mustache and equally thick accent. The pronunciation of certain English words that have a "CH" he pronounces with a "SH." For example, church is pronounced shurch, Chuck Norris is Shuck Norris, and so on. He is great because he is the type of person who says what's on his mind without a filter. I love that. The kicker is as soon as I say what's on my mind, he shushes me and tells me to "Watsh your mouth, you're a lady, chingao." He likes to use the word "chingao" as a punctuation on each and every sentence. I am 33 years old and that shit never gets old, I giggle every time.

"Dad, would you like some lemons with your iced tea?"
"Pues, how old are you? Jou know I always use the lemons, chingao."

"Dad, who is in that movie, Rio Bravo, you like so much?"
"C'mon. If jou don't know John Wayne by now, jou aren't my daughter, chingao."

"I love you, Dad."
"Yeah, yeah. I love you too, chingao."

Really, it's the cutest thing. He knows how to mix honest, loving emotion with inoffensive vulgarity in the most humorous way. My mom is not that far off from my dad. She refers to me as "Tight Skirt Fern." Guess she's not much of a fan of my mini skirts. Her advice is more practical as she is always concerned with me looking like a lady. She always told me, "Real ladies wear panty whistles, always, even when it's 100 degrees" (I love that term panty whistles) and "Your panty whistles control everything, mija, use them."

"Tight Skirt Fern, I don't want jou chasing boys. They're supposed to chase jou. Remember that." 
Great advice.

"When you're out past 2:00 am jou look like la streetwalker. What are you doing after 2:00 am anyway?" 
No comment.

"Be chure you learn how to cook well. Men are estupido in the kitchen. And make shure jou cook in your panty whistles too, jou're a lady."

She also gave me a tutorial on making homemade tortillas because "If you don't make them, he'll get them from somewhere else."
Woah, heavy.

Then she'll turn into a hardass and say something like, "If he lies to you, make him sleep outside" and then she makes a motion like she's using her rolling pin to smash his huevos.


This past year she put a rolling pin in my stocking for Christmas. She's serious. Then my dad nodded at me and said matter-of-factly, "She's right, chingao."