The New New Testament

Who doesn't love sex? We all do. It's natural, it's beautiful, it's fun and most of all, it's necessary. Most of the time we all have pleasant experiences. Although, sometimes there are the occasional "what the fuck are you doing" moments, which inevitably ends up as dinner conversation with everyone laughing about it, and you. I hate to sound so harsh, but it's true. Well, I think we (when I say we, I mean you. I know what the fuck I'm doing) might need some help in what to do and, most importantly, what not to do in the sack. I know women are complicated, but this is pretty damn easy. Men, take notes if need be, write it on your hand, whatever you need to do. Follow these rules and you might get that chick to come back to your smelly, unkept pad. Or, ladies, he might call your needy-ass for round two, you never know.

This is the book according to Miss Austin:

Do's
Come correct, for pete's sake. Take charge. Do it. What are you afraid of? I'm already naked, chances are I'll do it (This applies to so many situations other than just sex. I just blew my own mind).

Girth matters, always a Do.

Laying in bed naked, listening to records, drinking wine and sharing a cigarette.

Telling your lady she looks hot then messing everything up with a quickie.

Impromptu sex of ANY kind.

Dudes, making your bed and/or making my bed.

Chest hair. Mmmmmmm, man hair is sexy.

Going down on a woman, yes, yes and yes.

Shower fun.

If you have a small penis, think of something. Don't pretend you and I don't recognize the obvious. Put it in my ass or something. I am dying to feel something.

Do know your ladies size. Don't buy her something sexy if it's waaay to big or too small and ask her to put it on. Now she has to jam her breasts in a 3 sizes too small sexy outfit? Not sexy. Know that she's a DD not a B. (This has never happened to me)

The right mixture of a sweet southern drawl and a dirty motherfucker.



Don'ts
Massaging breasts too medically or like stress balls. Ouch, that hurts, and my reaction is to slap the shit out of you.

Saying aloud everything you are doing to me as you are doing it.

Jack rabbit humping.

Saying you are not into going down on girls but love blow jobs.  

Giggling after you come.

Bumps of any kind. Anywhere.

Using fruit or vegetables as sex toys then trying to get me to eat them.

Telling me you think you love me the first time we get naked.

Nicknames of my body parts or your body parts in babytalk. Babytalk of any kind!

Men shaving body hair of any kind. Makes me cry. Your sex appeal is now on the bathroom floor.

Saying, "You just got so much cooler" when I take my bra off.

You telling me we would make beautiful babies.

Telling me you don't wash your sheets after I've spent hours rolling around naked in them.

Weird/scary sex faces. Look in a mirror and see if you get spooked, would ya?

Trying to break that Wall of Jericho when I say no, no, no. No asshole means no asshole.

Dudes, if you need to go to that place in order to last more than 2 minutes, go there, just be discreet about it. I once had a dude tell me to be quiet because he was on the baseball field. He just muttered, "baseball, baseball, baseball" over and over again. You can only imagine my wide-eyed face of not-turned-on at that moment.

In conjunction with the above statement, don't just be concerned with YOU getting off. Not cool.

Ladies, don't lay there like a paralyzed mute, but don't be too loud like some I'm-so-good-in-the-sack-can't-you-tell-by-my-monotonous-grunts chick. Know when to put a sock in it.

Forgetting to take out your tampon then playing Dr. for real when he has to help rescue you from Toxic Shock Syndrome.

Jamming your tongue in my ear like a mean, forceful Q-tip.

Don't use a black light (see "Game Time" post).

Don't compare yourself to a celebrity or ask me what celebrity you look like.

Hit, punch, slap, kick. Nothing. You're scaring me.

Moobs. Those are never going away, my friend.

Having Garth Brooks sneak up on your iPod mid romp.

Having feet that smell like a dead animal, or slicing my stems up with your razor-like toenails. Trim those things.

Having Hulk sheets.





This is a work in progress before it gets published. Please comment on Do's and Don'ts that you have experienced. I want to laugh.